I think it's time for me to really start detaching. Previously I was trying to be super husband and show her all my changes but her attitude wasn't changing and the D is still going as planned. I see that I was letting my expectations get control which was affecting my attitude (i.e. thoughts like why isn't she seeing and appreciating this new me?). I'm going to continue to work on my changes but be truthful to myself and know that I'm now doing it for me and my future and not doing it to save M or so W starts to like me again (which I think was my underlying goal the last couple months if I admitted it or not). If R happens great but if not that's fine too. I've also decided that I'm done feeling bad or taking all the blame for M issues and I won't beat myself up over it any longer. It was a joint effort to get to where we are if she wants to admit it or not. I've admitted it, asked for forgiveness (from her and God), and I'm changing what I need to change and that's all I can do.
AS posted what Peanut said about detaching and this is my current mindset with regards to becoming detached:
Quote:
Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Journaling since last post: My anger towards W over how she told kids about D seems to have lessened greatly and I'm able to be in same room with her. I'm still shocked/ disappointed in how it went down and how W handled it but no longer dwelling on it. I still don't really have any feelings towards W one way or the other but I have been friendly (think acquaintance type). I've helped with the website, invited her to things kids and I are doing, and even been funny the last couple nights. Kids and I are having a great time which is pretty normal, we hang out/ play from the time I get home until they go to bed and I'm loving it. D7 has been pretty stable since NYE only asking the occasional question but no more tears or attitude changes. Surprisingly S4 has asked me twice this week if we were still getting a D and he has become really whiny and a little rebellious when W is home. When she's not there he acts normal. No idea if it's D or just a 4 year old testing some boundaries but I'm watching it closely.
For whatever reason I've been in a really good mood the last 2 days. My workouts are back on track and I'm feeling good again. Even work has been fun and little things haven't been bothering me. I've really been living in the moment in all aspects. I guess another goal is to keep this going as long as possible. Have plans for something the next 3 weekends and starting to go out to lunch with friends again so GALing is in process.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I am on mod so I am not sure if you will see this within the next few days, but hang in there. It sounds like you are beginning to find out what "you" want. I am still stuck in limbo so I am envious!
Me: 40 H: 44 M:3 years T: 4 years Me: S9, D7 H: SS8; Twins: SD1=10 and SD2=10 Both married before.
Spartan, I'm so glad to see your progress. You have the right attitude about your current sitch. What is the status of the D process? Is your W orchestrating everything?
What is the status of the D process? Is your W orchestrating everything?
We've had our first early intervention conference and our mediation was planned the same time as our vaca so it's been delayed. I told W she had to reschedule and nothing yet. Besides filing she hasn't done anything that I know of besides talk with me once about custody. About a month ago she said we could start getting the house ready and dividing up stuff to get it ready for sale. I told her just let me know when you're ready and she hasn't brought it up or done anything. I'm acting as if I'm fine with D but I'm not doing anything to accelerate it or help it move forward. I told my lawyer to do what he had to do but do it as slowly as possible. I think he sent her the initial interrogatory this week. He knows I want as much time as possible but I also don't want to be stupid about it (need to protect myself and kids so letting him do his job).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Journaling: Had a good weekend. Saturday the weather here in Michigan was a crazy 59 degrees so got a nice outside run in. D7 rode her bike to "pace me", we ended up going 1 min/ mile faster then I was expecting but I made it . We all then went to church and out to dinner and had a good time. Church sermon was basically about how life mimics training for a marathon (no matter how hard things seem and feel don't give up fighting because the accomplishment is worth it). Kind of ironic since W and I are running a half together (and I'm running full later in year) and I was thinking about throwing in towel on M a couple weeks ago. Sunday we spent most day together as family doing stuff around house then went to basketball game which was fun. Both kids got really into the emotions of a college game, D7 wants to sit in Izzone for next game (student section).
Wife and I got the site for charity far enough along to publish and she seemed really happy about it. Thanked me several different times and heard her telling people on phone about it. It felt good to do something to make her happy but didn't change any expectations from me which is progress, in past a simple thank you would have me thinking we were making a turn... W and I did have a few more small talks this weekend but still treating it as acquaintance level. Thinking about last several days the nice thing was nothing she did/ didn't do or said affected my mood one way or the other.
Overall I'm about 85/15 good to down times this last week or so. I'm still having times where I randomly start thinking about things and get a little down but thankfully they don't last long and I haven't done anything stupid when in that frame of mind.
Struggle that has recently come up that I'm actually surprised took this long is the lack of any physical contact (ML). It's a need not being met and no positive outlook with W in near future. I have no desire to look else where yet. Hopefully can find things to distract me but this may get tough to deal with as time goes by.
Got letter from lawyer on Friday that next mediation date with court in D process is set for 3/12. W still hasn't starting getting house ready for sale and we haven't discussed anything with regards to assets. I'm forcing her to lead this stuff.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Struggle that has recently come up that I'm actually surprised took this long is the lack of any physical contact (ML). It's a need not being met and no positive outlook with W in near future. I have no desire to look else where yet. Hopefully can find things to distract me but this may get tough to deal with as time goes by.
Is your PLL "PT"? Mine is, and going without it for months and months just became unbearable. W has been content to live her separate life, our interactions are limited to dealing with the kids. I have no idea if she's dating, but there's been a "hoverer" that probably is OM. In any event, I started dating. I'm not trying to keep it a secret from W, but I'm not offering up info on it either. It was right after I started dating that W signed us up for RetroV, but I don't know if there's a connection there. And she has yet to tell me why she signed us up, and I'm not asking. I don't know if she's finally ready to try or what, I figure it'll come out when we're there (it's this weekend).
Regarding the dating, I've been going out with women that are MUCH younger than me, I can't say there's been a serious connection with any of them but dang, it sure has been fun! And it has rebuilt my self-esteem and confidence like nothing else since BD. Not that I recommend it for you or anyone else here, it's a personal decision and in my case was one I didn't follow through on until I became convinced our M was well beyond hope.
Threadjack....Wow, AS, I am not there yet-what was the thought process behind beginning to date?
Spartan...am running half in May...first one...hate running lmao!! Funny thing is H said he was running ten in same race with GF...I said fine, just as long as you are not at same hotel thank you!! :P
I am in same place as you, have no desire to look elsewhere, but who knows what can blindside you
I do the same thing. I don't mention D, don't facilitate or start any discussions of anything pertaining to mediation etc. I contacted my lawyer to have papers ready at an instant if ever necessary, but trust H, whether for good or bad, it's a 180 for me and very hard. He has never doe me wrong, so I should at least, in my sitch, give him the benfit he deserves.
H is also PT, and lack of ML in our marriage drove him to this point of leaving. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess, mine are AoS and WoA. I didn't get that either so it was not a huge surprise that it fizzled out. Funnily though, now separated, we give the LLs. Well, me not his since he has GF, but he knows I would. I try to touch him whenever possible, friendly, or hugs etc. It's the limit of what I can do
AS - I can see how dating would build my confidence back up. For whatever reason though my head is nowhere near that point (even for the fun fling to just fill that need). When married I always thought if something ever happened I'd hit the ground running and have a great time but the thought of it just doesn't feel right to me. Guess I'm not detached yet...
Inside Out - Be careful, you might just start to enjoy running. At least that's what I hear, I'm not there yet but signed up for 5 races this year .
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I am with you Spartan. I love and need affection. I thought I would hit the ground running also but I just have not had those feelings yet. That is probably a good thing if I still want this marriage to work out.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
What I'm about to write is not affecting me one way or the other but are things I've noticed since NYE that have intrigued me. Just wanted to get your opinions (guessing most will be to not think about it and keep working on myself and doing what I'm doing). Throwing it out here because I've stopped trying to figure W out because I'm usually wrong anyway (but I am curious and a little confused )). Maybe just normal distance/ pursuit dynamic?
Since NYE my W has been kind of 'lurking' around where I am. Not really initiating talks out of ordinary but just being in same room/ area of house.
She's gone out of her way to thank me for things, especially all the work on charity and website. First time in a long time that I don't feel taken for granted. So weird because I'm now acting, and feeling, more detached from her than I ever have; even though I'm not fully detached by a long stretch.
She is doing everything with kids and me again. She even went bowling with us??? They just called while I was typing this and planned a family weekend retreat for this weekend (skiing and indoor water park hotel).
She's talking to people on phone without going to other floor of house. Other night I swear she must have forgot I was reading in next room because I heard her tell her friend that she just hopes God can take away her shame and guilt for her past and how she's treated me and others. She said she just wants to be healthy and be able to be truthful with everyone. I so wanted to go in and say you can start now with me but I didn't. I just snuck upstairs and pretended like I was up there the whole time. I'm afraid her pride and fear of something may never let her take the chance with me and I'm not even sure how I'd react now if she did.
And the oddest one is she is hardly getting ready anymore. For couple months after filing she would get all dialed up every time she left the house. She bought new clothes (nothing crazy, just new) and looked really good. Since she got back on NYE she hardly gets ready at all and wears sweats and sweatshirts a lot (even to work and out doing errands). Heck, today kids had a half day and wanted to meet me for lunch and she was in some beat up sweats and looked like she just got out of bed with no makeup. Made me wonder what in the world happened.
Even though she isn't showing anything maybe telling the kids was harder on her than I thought and she just didn't know how to emotionally deal with it. Or likely I'm reading into and trying to rationalize things that don't mean anything.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
)). Maybe just normal distance/ pursuit dynamic?