W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[SM34]

hi everyone. This is thread #5 for me, and time to make a radical shift. I have been harboring a lot of anger and although I seem to function ok in day to day life, I seem to come here and vent the same points over and over. Not constructive.

So, as my thread title suggests, it is time to really try to move past what my W is doing and focus on myself, and my darling daughter who is 3 years old last week.

Lets get started.

Here is my old thread incase anyone wants to go back and read it:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2316363&page=1

[SM34]

25, if you have followed to my new thread and I just want to clarify one important point before we move on to me.

My W did not say that it is worth the risk to try out OM. Well not in those exact words anyway.

She actually said:
"There is this guy and he seems wonderful. And there is you who is wondeful to me. But if I don't try this guy I will never be able to be happy in this marriage because I will always worry about what if. But if I try it and it doesn't work out, then think of how wonderful our marriage could be?"

After their first proper encounter with the comfort of knowing that I know now and it is not "cheating" in her mind, this is when it turned to a PA. That is when she went to see him then messaged me that she will not be coming home tonight and that she will see me in the morning.

I called her immediately and she was angry and screaming and shouting completely out of character. She said it is over and if I want to pack up all her stuff and put outside for her then do it"

I talked her into coming home that night. She came home and sat on the couch and said ok I am here now. She was somewhat calm but the severity of the situation was evident on her face.

I told her that we should try to go to counselling and try to fix our marriage and that we owed it to each other, and most of all to our D3 who will not have a chance at a normal life unless we try.

She said "OM makes me feel incredible. I want 6 months to try it out but I can't ask you for that because you deserve better than that. You are a wonderful person. So I think we should separate. OM makes me feel so good and I don;t know how I can give that up. I would have to fall in love with you all over again and I don't know how to do that. Then she busrt into uncontrollable crying.

I made a silly remark that she has to be open to falling in love with me again, and then I will do the rest. Maybe it is not so silling because after all that is what we are all trying to do here right?

It seems typical of affair type stuff. She knows what is the right thing to do which is why she hasn't told her family yet. She has a huge family of about 9 aunts and uncles, 18 with their spouses, and something like 20 cousins. None of them know yet, and I suspect they wont know until she confirms it in her mind that this is what she wants.Her father also does not know. Her mother knows but only because I called her for help that first night and she helped convince my W to come home and not stay the night.

She has not mentioned divorce again since that day on the phone during her anger fit.

She continues to be very nice to me, cooking, cleaning, asking me how my day went, asking me if I slept well etc..

She has not touched me, but I see baby steps. The first few weeks she was mainting a foot radius around her all the time. Lately i can come near here and she does not move away like I have a contagious disease.

We both went dark on each other for the first few weeks, but then I noticed she began to pursue. She pidked up the texting, first to tell me something about D3 as an excuse, but then how is your day, and what would you like for dinner questions.

25 I have one UPDATE from today that I would like you to comment on since we are suspecting she wants to keep me as a back up plan.

I left for work and then after I got in my car I realized I had forgotten my VITAMINS that I need to take to help with sex drive.

I went back into the house and she was standing right where the vitamins are. I said "I forgot my vitamins that I need for today".

As she moved away to give me room, she said "How are those working out for you?". And she seemed genuinely interested.

Now this is the second time she has mentioned my vitamins. The first time she asked me if I was remembering to take them. Is this looking back? or too early?

Also, what should be my response to this? I was caught off guard and said "Yes they seem to work great. I have much more energy and I am more alert". But I didn't mention that along with the anti depressant (wellbutrin which is NSSRI not SSRI so it actually helps with Sex Drive) I am feeling much more horny now.

This might be too much information but I have spontaneous erections now, especially when I first wake up which is something that hasn't happened in years! She used to love it when I don't even wake her up but just attack her in her sleep first thing in the morning ready to go crazy! Then l would shower and get dressed and leave for work. She would text me later saying "Wow that was a wonderful way to start the day".

The last few years i have not had that urge in the morning. It seems to be coming back now. But how can I tell her?

This issue i think is harder to deal with than some of the other issues I have seen on this board. Most people have a spouse who left because they were angry, or inconsiderate, or never spent time with them, or is a drunk, or something that can easily be displayed once fixed.

In our marriage I can say we had none of the above. We are best friends, did EVERYTHING together, travelled, had fun, told each other secrets that no one else knew, We always considered each others feelings and opinions. We are great parents and we share in that responsibility.

We shared in waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers and feed our new born, I changed poopy diapers, i burped her, i bathed her, and I took care of the baby and the house while my W recouped from the birth. i was also in the birthing room, holding one leg! So I take part 100% in my wifes and dauighter's life and I know that was very attractive for my W.

I dropped the ball on the sex part. She said when it was the other way around when we were younger, I atleast took care of you.

I was willing to "take care of her" anytime she wanted, but when I didn't follow up with actual sex she would pout and make me feel bad...not like what I did years ago.

So the dilemna from the start of my sitch.....

HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE SEE THAT YOU HAVE FIXED OR ARE FIXING YOUR SEX DRIVE ISSUE WHEN YOU CANT PRACTICE WITH THEM.

Does she need to see me bang lots of women? =)

OK so now thats out of the way. Seriously. Time to work on me. So next post is what 25yearsmlc asked me to write about.

[SM34]

GALing has been VERY hard for me. I have to work and also some days I have to look after D3 in the evening while W goes to see OM.

I literarely have NO friends. AT ALL. My best friend for 13 years was my business partner who got on drugs and started the decline in my life. I often think everything that is happening to me was caused by him, or more accurately the fact that I allowed his drama to change me and allowed it for so many years. Now my business is not covering my expenses, my wife is leavnig me because of me being less sexual (because of the financial stress).

So I have been out to play pool and have a couple drinks with a couple of my employees. They are 10 years younger than me but they like me and always want me to hang with them. I have a good time with them because they are young and full of energy, and they have some VERY hot girls in their group. Too young for me but good practice for self esteem etc..

I need to find a GAL that stays true to who I am. I am not a stay out late type of person, and don't really enjoy drinking that much. And the last time I did that, I am sure my W thought it was forced and also fake.

I have always wanted to volunteer for something. Just not sure what.

Have wanted to get involved with the small business association and meet more professionals instead of meeting partying drunks.

But now here it the problem, which probably also affects my sex drive greatly, and this is where my W would be able to see the most change. ENERGY LEVEL!

I am quite a low energy person, and really so is my wife. I think it is the life style we slowly aged together into. We don't get enough exercise, and so sleep is not as satisfying etc. plus I was not keeping up with vitamins.

W sleeps in and then seems to be tired most of the day. I have a similar issue but I push throught it to wake up early to be with D3 a couple hours before work. But by 7pm bed time for D3 we are both done and ready to crash on a couch each and just watch TV. Big part of the decline in the "fun" aspect in our lives.

if she saw me with more energy and getting things done, it would seem very attractive to her also. And i would be fulfilling something I needed to fix for many years now that is hindering my ability to enjoy life.

So suggestions on energy level? Work out? Protein shakes? What do you all do for that?

[Marriageblues]

How would she react if you got a girl on the side, since she has a guy on the side? Since she wants to experiment with another guy, maybe you should do the same. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. That would be a good way to test out your renewed sex drive, and would certainly demonstrate that you're GAL. I'm not saying this as a way of "getting even" or getting revenge. You have physical needs that aren't being met. As long as you're open and honest with her, it's not "cheating", by her own standards.

[Brit45]

A friend of mine pointed me to your thread saying you'd found mime. I haven't posted here in awhile. Part of my healing and detaching meant being away from people in those early stages of denial and willing to do anything to get you back to status quo.

I thought a lot about what I was going to say to you and it all comes down to what people have already said to you....there is no formula to make her wake up or come back to you. There is no short fix and to be honest I think if she did dump him and you'd still be hurting. What she has,done and is doing to you is causing you pain and you will have to heal from that. Because right now all you're doing is trying to keep whatever you can from her and bend over backwards and a part of you won't he okay with that. We teach people how to treat us...what are you showing her and the universe you are willing to accept?

I was in a sexless marriage and that hurts a lot and takes a lot of rebuilding in self esteem. My ex didn't change he found another woman to pick.out his clothes etc. And I look back.and have to say with a great deal of brutal honesty that part of my wanting to work.it out was ego, abandonment and rejection issues and control. And I thank my lucky stars he never came back.

He was quite happy to tell me I looked nice when I was on my way out to meet guys and I sucked it up and helped him arrange his apartment when he moved out. I didn't respect him when he was willing to live with me and sleep on the sofa,while I did what I like. Of course she isn't looking for a job you pay the bills and babysit and all she has to do is,not mention his name. In fact you've said that if/when it doesn't work out you'll be there. That's not the real world and if you were my brother I'd be shaking you and say you deserve better.

We can't tell you that she will wake up or come back.or of she does it will work out. But a year from now you will still be you and your daughter will still be your daughter. DB changed my life because a year later my relationship with myself and my son became the focus. if you look.at my threads I have list of thongs my therapist gave me about self esteem and zig has some great stuff on goal setting...instead of focusing on what will show her this or that and what she will notice why not make a goal of something you want to do? For me going somewhere alone was huge, then it was trips away with my son, then I lost over 50 pounds and ran a 10 mile race. She is concentrating on her happiness and you are concentrating on her happiness so who.is looking out for you?

Ps the clothing thing? Some department stores have personal shoppers that you don't have to pay. They are just hoping you buy. usr be honest and say its been awhile and you need a feel for what looks good on your frame then you can hit up tj max

[Brit45]

Obviously I meant things if your ic gives you thongs you may not be getting the help you need

[AnotherStander]

I told her that we should try to go to counselling and try to fix our marriage and that we owed it to each other, and most of all to our D3 who will not have a chance at a normal life unless we try.

You'll see it said here often not to push for MC. It never helps. I mean that literally. I have yet to hear a single positive story about MC when one spouse had a foot out the door. It usually hurts matters because it's pressure, and we all know NOT to put any kind of pressure on the WAS.

I made a silly remark that she has to be open to falling in love with me again, and then I will do the rest.

You should be validating her emotions, not agreeing, disagreeing, reasoning or trying to fix her or her problems. Also there's not really anything you can say to change things. Quit talking and start doing. Show her actions, and make them consistent actions.

Maybe it is not so silling because after all that is what we are all trying to do here right?

DB'ing is all about working on ourselves while giving our WAS time and space. We hope to draw our WAS back by becoming the spouse only a fool would leave.

She knows what is the right thing to do which is why she hasn't told her family yet. She has a huge family of about 9 aunts and uncles, 18 with their spouses, and something like 20 cousins. None of them know yet, and I suspect they wont know until she confirms it in her mind that this is what she wants.Her father also does not know. Her mother knows but only because I called her for help that first night and she helped convince my W to come home and not stay the night.

And none of this matters one bit to you, because you are NOT going to tell them, or discuss it with them at all. Right? Because if you do, it will backfire on you badly.

She has not touched me, but I see baby steps. The first few weeks she was mainting a foot radius around her all the time. Lately i can come near here and she does not move away like I have a contagious disease.

Not sure that's a baby step. Try not to read too much into things. I did, and it gave me hope at a time when there was none. And that led to disappointment. Besides, you should not be going near her. Give her space, that means physically as well as mentally.

Also, what should be my response to this? I was caught off guard and said "Yes they seem to work great. I have much more energy and I am more alert". But I didn't mention that along with the anti depressant (wellbutrin which is NSSRI not SSRI so it actually helps with Sex Drive) I am feeling much more horny now.

Your response was fine. I wouldn't add anything to it. Don't get into sexual talks unless she brings it up.

In our marriage I can say we had none of the above. We are best friends, did EVERYTHING together, travelled, had fun, told each other secrets that no one else knew, We always considered each others feelings and opinions. We are great parents and we share in that responsibility.

We shared in waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers and feed our new born, I changed poopy diapers, i burped her, i bathed her, and I took care of the baby and the house while my W recouped from the birth. i was also in the birthing room, holding one leg! So I take part 100% in my wifes and dauighter's life and I know that was very attractive for my W.

I probably have a similar quote to this somewhere in my first thread. The difference in my sitch is W and I always had a great sex life, right up until she left. But there were issues that were my fault. It took me a while to acknowledge them, that's for sure. But I did, and I did 180's on my faults. And now W is talking about "us" again. So don't fall into my trap, don't brainwash yourself into thinking everything was perfect except (in your case) the sex part. I doubt it was just that. Also regarding the sharing of feelings, before RetroV I would have told you my W and I did share our feelings. Now that I've been to RetroV I realize we only did so superficially. They equated emotions to the layers of an onion, you have to peel away layers and layers of emotions to get to the core. And wow, it is so true. I don't think anyone can know how true it is until experiencing RetroV.

[SM34]

Brit. Thank you for the insight. Yes I had read your thread because it sounded similar to my sitch. I know I could be affecting the respect factor between us but I have read up on what many other men did to win back their wives and it seems to follow a certain formula.

Make the necessary changes.

Let her see the changes and take note of them.

Apply pressure for her to carry out what she said she would. Ie get a job and move out.

Pull back on the friendship and let her try to get all her needs met by OM. Right now he provides some and I provide the rest. When he has to provide all if them it will most likely not work out because their relationship is not built on sustainable love.

I am going to try hard to focus on me and my daughter because that is all I can do at this point. Work hard to look good and smell good etc..

In all fairness we are all here to save our marriages and that is the main goal. I try not to forget that.

Thank you for taking time to post here. Please check back with me from time to time to offer tips from a woman's perspective.

[AnotherStander]

GALing has been VERY hard for me. I have to work and also some days I have to look after D3 in the evening while W goes to see OM.

GAL= go to the park and fly a kite. Go for ice cream. Walk the dog. Take an old friend out to lunch. Play a board game. Ride a bike. Pick up a new hobby. Paint. Dance. Lift weights. Run. Write a journal. Go for a manicure. Get your hair styled differently. Change your wardrobe. Get some new cologne. Go skydiving. Fly an R/C plane. Shoot rockets. Make your own list of GAL activities. Have your kid? Fine, take her along on your GAL activities. Take pictures of the two of you enjoying yourselves and post them on Facebook or text them to your W. Every single time I hear someone say "I don't have time to GAL" it just tells me they don't have a clue what GAL means.

I need to find a GAL that stays true to who I am. I am not a stay out late type of person, and don't really enjoy drinking that much

Why in the world do so many people think GAL means go out drinking and partying? That is about the LAST thing it means!

I have always wanted to volunteer for something. Just not sure what.

http://www.volunteermatch.org/

I am quite a low energy person, and really so is my wife. I think it is the life style we slowly aged together into. We don't get enough exercise, and so sleep is not as satisfying etc. plus I was not keeping up with vitamins.

Then start. Before you say "That's easy for you to say" rest assured, I've lived it. Before BD I was lazy, low energy, and spent evenings vegging. After BD I lost 10 pounds of fat and spent the next 7 months piling on 20 pounds of muscle. What's the key? Quit talking and start doing. That's the key principal of DB'ing no matter whether it's your body's health or your marriage's health!

if she saw me with more energy and getting things done, it would seem very attractive to her also.

Don't do it for her. Do it for you. My W told me over the weekend that my GAL activities impressed her because I showed her I was going to live life whether she was part of it or not, and she really respected that.

[SM34]

AnotherStander yes you are absolutely right! GAL can be anything you enjoy doing. I guess I meant more like things to do to meet people. I need to have friends, some to call me.

I saw you posting a lot of good suggestions to people. Do you know of anyone else in my sitch where these is an OM but W doesn't bring up divorce or moving out anymore?

There was no OM in your sitch right?