Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[nhmom]

Two thoughts that came to my mind....

How cool to have an 85 yr old MIL who is willing to "go all out" with a full spread of Japanese food.

And...

How great it is to have a 15 yr old son who insists on doing a birthday dinner that includes his family AND friends.

Sounds like you've managed the misunderstanding quite well. Sorry you had to go through so much trouble though, but I'm sure everyone appreciated your efforts.

[bustingout]

I have to say too that despite the misunderstanding, it is pretty cool that MIL made all of that food. :-)

And you handled it so well Ad. Just going with the situation at hand and enjoying the moment. Fantastic.

Happy bday to your S15. I am glad you all had such a great time :-)

[keep_going]

Hi Ad,

I am glad that your S ended up with the celebration he wanted, despite all the miscommunications and glitches and yes, it was a nice gesture from your MIL to cook for you guys.

Kudos to you for being so flexible and patient with the whole situation. I can totally relate since I went thru the challenges of dealing with older relatives first with my grandparents and now with my parents and MIL.

It does take a lot of patience and effort on our part to accomplish even seemingly simple tasks (like organizing and pulling off a meal get-together - lol...) I try to remind myself that they are aging and that I am not dealing with the same parents I had 5 or even 2 years ago. Their dementia, Alzheimers, hearing loss, energy loss and a host of other physical ailments make the relationship tough and their behavior different than what I was used to.

Even with my MIL, who is in great health and leads a busy life, I have to deal with more subtle things, like fears (perhaps of her own frailty or death), and her growing worrisome habits. I find that things that didn't bother her now make her fearful or worrisome.

So I try to lower my expectations and realize that if I want to have a meaningful R with them, I will be the one doing most of the work. Then I approach it as a reverse role. When I was a baby / kid, they put in most of the effort and work to have things work for me and our R and now it's my turn to give back to them. So I basically approach them almost like little kids.

Yes, it's a huge test of patience and compassion, but that is something I personally need to work on on a consistent basis anyways, so I see it as practice and an opportunity to make myself better.

Ad, I have not been posting much lately, but I have been reading. You are doing so great given all your challenges and you certainly have your hands full. Your strength continues to inspire me.

((((((Ad)))))))

[adinva]

Thanks! I'm just near the end of my rope and not coping very well in the moment as I expect myself to, and you're right, she's a pretty cool grandma. My kids like her better than they like my mom, and she's a heck of a lot harder to get them together with.

My dad got norovirus and was really feeling awful, and he's on 24/7 with my mom not doing so well, so I went over and brought him chicken soup and ginger ale, and took my mom down the hall for lunch to give him a break. We came back and he was snoozing in his chair, very cute, but my mom had trouble getting back; she's very weak.

Then I got home and fixed a chicken dinner to rousing applause from the teenagers (are they drunk? have the munchies? just being rambunctious?) who said it was like Thanksgiving dinner, and then had to beg and plead and offer favors to get S15 a sleepover so I could take S12 in for his sleep study. H said he'd drive S15 to school, but I don't think he's ready to be on his own overnight and I was very relieved when the other (single) mom agreed to take him. The sleep study was really interesting, quite an adventure. I got some funny pictures with S12 all hooked up to about 50 different electrodes and wires. Neither of us slept very well.

Today I checked in on my parents again and they both seemed better. I never checked on whether H remembered to go eat at his mom's last night. I have a feeling he forgot, but I'm not responsible for him or her.

I really really need to recharge somehow. I'm pulled in so many directions I feel I'm going to break into pieces. This weekend I'm taking S12 skiing with the boy scouts but even that feels like an imposition at the moment, and I haven't even returned the call from my friend who lives near the ski resort. I just want to hide under a rock.

H said he'd pay the 2/5 power bill, and now he's telling me he's not going to and I need to pay it. I haven't sat down to figure out yet if I'm burning savings or getting by. I think I'm burning savings.

Calgon, take me away.......

[cat04]

Seriously, not picking on you...

I am tired simply reading about your last few days.

So something has to give, something has to go...

The obvious place to start IMO...

H and MIL. Let it go, AD. H is a grown up who needs to either go to his mom's or not, and you don't need to check up on him.

MIL... I know you want the kids to have a R with their GM, and they want that as well. They aren't little. Next time, let them make the contact with her. Hand them the phone and let them call. If you need to get involved re: scheduling or transportation, then do so. Otherwise, let them do it. Or let your H do it on his own.

Reality of most divorces is that the inlaw family relationship ends or at least fades.

Give yourself a break. Find YOUR priorities. Before you breakdown.

[adinva]

My sister left her family about 10 or 12 years ago, when the youngest was in kindergarten and the oldest starting high school, and that's the first and almost only example I have in my life of divorced-with-kids. I watched how my parents did what was sometimes very difficult and they persevered to communicate with her XH and have a relationship with their grandkids.

They flew out and stayed in his house with them, they called, IM'd, sent cards and letters and gifts, and bent over backwards to make sure those kids knew their extended family was still their extended family.

I thought that was nice, and I hoped my kids might benefit from that if I could avoid being a barrier, maybe be a facilitator.

I'm trying to learn how to take a more appropriate role. I'm trying to unlearn years of trying to get along and really be an outstanding daughter in law with a MIL who was on the surface sweet as pie and under the surface quite difficult. I don't know why it was important for me to be outstanding, I don't know why it still is, I don't know why it's hard to let go of behaviors that were hard to learn in the first place.

But the example my parents set is what I was wishing for for my kids, and I guess I can't make that happen or even really facilitate it.

[cat04]

I understand what you are saying.

I am being lazy, so there won't be quotes, but the first post of this thread you commented on your Inlaws lack of connection, lack of reaching out over the course of your marriage. That is their pattern of behavior. Sad as it may be.

In your last post, you talked about your parents and how THEY reached out to their XSIL. How THEY maintained the relationship with their grandchildren. That is their pattern of behavior. And it is admirable and wonderful. Just a little unusual.

Unfortuntately, because you are dealing with a difficult at best MIL, facilitating the type of R your parents wanted with their grandkids, is going to kill you.

You don't have to be a barrier though. And that takes no energy. You pass along messages, you make sure the kids have the phone numbers and addresses, you encourage them and the R (unless you feel they are being damaged by the R), you say NOTHING negative, you listen, listen, listen to your kids...

And if they ask you to drive them somewhere to meet grandma, you do it.

Now if YOU want a R with your inlaws, that is up to you to make the effort. Just don't use the kids as the excuse and be prepared for them to not respond.

Now, to relieve some pressure, can anyone else take S12 to the boyscout thing this weekend?

You are doing too much and you are going to end up sick or worse. You need to SLOW DOWN. Even if it is just for a day or two. You haven't stopped since you went to Florida.

[labug]

But the example my parents set is what I was wishing for for my kids, and I guess I can't make that happen or even really facilitate it.

You had great role models for grand-parenting in a D situation. Tuck it away for the time when you might need to use it.

It's been a hard lesson for me to learn that people give only what they have to give, even when I might have thought I needed more. I now realize that I have many different people in my life who give in very different ways.

If I want to keep them in my life, I must accept them just as they are, not who I wish they would be.

It's difficult for those of us who have overfunctioned for years to be come to terms with that, but it's much healthier.

[adinva]

Thanks Cat, your advice is right on, but I'll have to wait till after the long weekend. I only would have a choice of driving a vanful of scouts to the mountain and then hanging out with the grown ups and skiing for three days...or staying home and wrangling the teenagers because S15 isn't going on the ski trip. Neither choice is relaxing but one offers skiing and adult company, so I'm sticking with it. After I get back I might just take a day off work and go on a hike. I really do need to get away from every single person in the world for a little break.

[2thepoint]

If I want to keep them in my life, I must accept them just as they are, not who I wish they would be.

It's difficult for those of us who have overfunctioned for years to be come to terms with that, but it's much healthier.

Very good observation and advice. My W would drop friends because she could not accept them for who they were. And then one day, she got dumped herself very publicly and in a very cruel way by a close friend and it literally destroyed her.