Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[Crazyville]

I don't know, I think maybe it's a good thing that they witnessed you lose your sh%t. At least S15. It's hard to interpret his actions/intentions from your description, but it sounds like his insertion of "humor" was totally inappropriate for the moment. They need to have some recognition of how much you've got going on, or they're going to except overfunctioning and calm from everyone they meet. You responded like a "normal human being." How dare you?! Not! Better they learn it from home than from the world, I say. Plus, you're setting one heck of an unreasonable expectation from their future W's. I can just hear one of their arguments: "When my mom and dad were M'd, my mom did everything and never got mad, but it still wasn't good enough because my dad still left, so step it up! And, stop being so b@tchy!" I suspected he'll have splinters in his behind from the door hitting him in the butt so hard and fast.

[nhmom]

Don't be ashamed for losing it. You have been stretched very thin and are a ticking time bomb...maybe it was a matter of time. Of course, there are different ways to manage the release of the built up stress, but even the best of us do lose it from time to time.

I don't necessarily think that when we "lose it", that it means there is something that needs to be fixed every time. However, I do agree with the above suggestions to give up a thing or two for a while...take a break..take a breather.

[Mach1]

But I feel ashamed for losing it so badly and wish that just venting and complaining would get me past this bad patch.

What they said ^^^

Although you know that I would have a little different spin on things for you...

Maybe it's not about what is wrong so much as it is about what can become of it ???


Nobody is asking you to be perfect, and have a grip on every situation that you are thrust into.

Nobody is asking you to have all of the answers either.

Them seeing you struggle through this, is helping them to learn how to navigate it too...

Seeing you struggle may not be a bad thing...

There is a lesson in there somewhere.....

You are human too, with emotion, and feelings....

[adinva]

So I dragged my butt to the mountain resort for the annual boy scout ski weekend and I had my lift ticket and my goal was to overcome my fear and get up there on a run with my S12. It was hard, and I battled a negative mental attitude part of the time. Things that helped:
- listening to my ipod, or not, with earbuds. S12 kept asking me why I still had those things in my ears so I couldn't hear him, and at least three times I said with a smile that they keep people from talking to me. FINALLY he said why are you trying to keep me from talking to you? And I took them out and said finally he got the joke. But the rest of the time, when he wasn't around, I put them back in.
- slowing down. It was a long slog through snow in ski boots to get from the chalet to the beginner area, and rushing was hurting my shins, so I slowed wayyyyy down, dressed in more layers, and just ambled along until I got there. It helped.
- pushing myself. Each time I went on the lift it was right after almost bailing out, convincing myself that it would be fine if I didn't do it, and reminding myself how much fun I have just in the beginner area. And then, I'd just get in the line and people would come in behind me and it was go-time. I went on once with a teacher who coached me all the way down. Once I was going with a buddy but he texted "I'll meet you at the top" so I had no choice but to figure it out and get up there. And the third time was with S12 which was my goal for the weekend and that was the only time I got so flustered I fell down coming off the lift. S12 thought it was very comical but he was proud of how I was facing my fears and really trying hard.
- Letting go of expectations. Once I knew it didn't matter if I fell, or looked stupid, or even took the skis off and walked them down the slope, I did a lot better. It was really the expectation that I had to ski down flawlessly that was holding me hostage.
- Slacking off. I went - reluctantly - on the lift once each day in three days, and after that I was done. I didn't feel like I needed to keep going and going. I went back to the bunny slope and played around where I was more comfortable knowing that I had accomplished my goal already. My goal for next year will be not to s*ck as much, but that's for next year.
- Trying to intentionally enjoy my surroundings. I was still caught up in the stress of my job, and my new employee and still paying personal leave to my old employee, and the bills and the housework and my parents and siblings and children, and once or twice I had to tell myself to stop, look up, let the snow land on my face, and say the h&ll with all that stuff. It'll wait for me. It took an effort because I was in a mood where I'd rather still complain and vent. But I knew I didn't want to waste the opportunity I had in front of me. I may not even see a decent snow the rest of this winter, and I was toasty warm in my performance layers and had skis and coffee and no good reason not to enjoy life.
- Trust in the big picture to overcome the details. I left s15 home and he was in charge of lining up safe places to stay, keep me posted, not do anything that would bring CPS on our heads, and have fun. H didn't stay at the house but checked in, and did not like what he saw, and again emailed and texted me a continuous stream of complaints. Dogs didn't have water. Stuff on the floor. Cooking utensils not cleaned up. Friends in the house. Chewing tobacco spit bottles. Broken furniture. I didn't let it get to me as much this time, just a little sigh. I let him know I appreciated his checking on things, and helping with the dogs, and explained that I was most interested in S15 being safe and legal, and the mess would be resolved in time, not such a concern to me. H wrote back that the mess was a sign of disrespect. That was enlightening. Now I understand better why he flies off the handle over a sock on the floor. But he's reading disrespect into actions that weren't intended to convey that at all. It's kind of a natural to think a 15yo boy is going to pile up the dishes over the weekend and maybe clean them up just before mom comes home, if at all. I was a 15 year old once. Our kitchen sink started to stink before I learned I might want to clean them up just for my own comfort before my parents got home. Anyway, H reads that as a message directed toward him. That's his problem I guess. Anyway, the boy was safe, he stayed out of trouble with the police and the girls' parents, bullet dodged, made it home and he was fine. The sink didn't even stink. I hugged him and told him I missed him and thanked him for what he did for the dogs, and commended his cooking his own food, and noted that there was some clean-up to do, and he said, no problem mom I'll clean it up, and he did. Big picture good, details already fading into irrelevance.
- Being intentional about what I need. I haven't gotten it yet, there's still some high anxiety. I am getting through, but I still am looking for some time to carve out and take one of the dogs up a hill on a good long hike, with no phone. I did go spend some time with my parents and brother and sil and sister since my brother drove down from new england for the weekend, because I knew I should, and I did circle back and wrap his birthday present and sign his card once I realized I had almost forgotten them...but I only went for an hour and I did not feel guilty about leaving. I know I need to add in more sleep at night, and I'm not doing that so well tonight, but since I'm up I'll set my alarm later for the AM. Without being intentional about it, I give away all my resources and have none left for myself.

So, there's only one more week of February and my goal was to respond to H's separation agreement by the end of February. I'm putting it off. I feel ambivalent because it just solidifies the fact that I'm on all the time and get no breaks from the kids unless I have no choice, like for my work trip, where I flat out needed him or somebody to step in and stay with them. I don't think that's fair, and I don't like it, but realistically I don't see assigning the kids to stay with their dad ever. He didn't suggest it, doesn't have a place or a plan to have a place where they could live, and has alienated S15 to the point where the kid will not speak to him let alone come stay for the weekend. It's just me and the kids. My IC said to be open to the possibility that all of that will change over time. In 6 months S15 might be getting along with his dad and there might be a place to live, and we should be flexible to accommodate those possibilities if they should occur. I don't know how that would translate into a legal document. The proposal was simply that h would visit them twice a week.

I'm also sick of H's brother using my driveway as the airport satellite parking lot. He lives half the time in LA and the car's in my driveway as usual. I almost swiped it maliciously on my way backing out of the garage. I wouldn't...just thought about it. I'd love to tell him to go store it at H's friend's gated community where he'll have to get let in and out by the guardhouse to access it. I want my stinkin driveway to myself.

So. what I need now is a puppy. Gonna go hug it and fall asleep. G'nite.

[cat04]

- Trust in the big picture to overcome the details.

Generally, this is a great rule to live by.

H didn't stay at the house but checked in, and did not like what he saw, and again emailed and texted me a continuous stream of complaints. Dogs didn't have water. Stuff on the floor. Cooking utensils not cleaned up. Friends in the house. Chewing tobacco spit bottles. Broken furniture. I didn't let it get to me as much this time, just a little sigh. I let him know I appreciated his checking on things, and helping with the dogs, and explained that I was most interested in S15 being safe and legal, and the mess would be resolved in time, not such a concern to me.

It sounds like your H still feels as if he lives with you and has the right to complain about how YOUR home should be.

H wrote back that the mess was a sign of disrespect. That was enlightening. Now I understand better why he flies off the handle over a sock on the floor. But he's reading disrespect into actions that weren't intended to convey that at all.

In a small way, I can understand what he means. To me, it is also disrespectful for children to not follow the rules.

However, I also know that each person has their own tolerance level to cleanliness and what something means to one person, to another, is nothing.

Those are the types of things that we should look for in any relationship so that "middle ground" can be achieved BEFORE resentments build. I guess that plays into the importance of clear communication. Sorry, just thinking out loud here...

I feel ambivalent because it just solidifies the fact that I'm on all the time and get no breaks from the kids unless I have no choice, like for my work trip, where I flat out needed him or somebody to step in and stay with them.

Part of being a mother. Fair or not.

And you do have a choice. You will just have to find a different support system than the one that we expect to be built in with co-parenting. And your boys are getting older. It gets easier.

And sometimes, you simply have to give yourself permission to have a life. My BF's children are the same age as yours. There was something we wanted to do one Saturday night that we both knew they wouldn't want to participate in. Instead of staying home, like we have done in the past, we had a conversation with them. Told them, this is what we are doing and when. If you want to join un great. If you don't, it is up to you to make plans to be with your friends. Or you will both be staying home that night.

It wasn't the easiest thing for us to do, but it was necessary.

You will figure out what works for you.

I'm also sick of H's brother using my driveway as the airport satellite parking lot.

So, what are you going to do about this?

[adinva]

Thanks Cat, you're like that old tv show with the angel that pops up out of nowhere when needed, was it the one with Michael Landon? Anyway,

I currently feel like it is unreasonable of me not to share the driveway as BIL is used to being able to park there and it is just a minor annoyance to me. Also he is still the boys' uncle even if he has been my H's free legal advisor in the process of leaving us, which makes me just want to vomit on him. I justify it to myself as this: I need to work on the logs before the splinters. Get H to sell me the house, get a settlement agreement signed, begin a truly separated life, and then tell H he needs to offer his own driveway to his brother because it is really imposing for him to offer mine. Details, minor details.

H does still think of our house as his. He's still paying the mortgage after all, so I understand why he thinks that way. He walks right in, and lights right into the boys and me about things he doesn't like, just like old times. I have suggested to him a couple different things: enter as respectfully as if he's entering a friend's house, remember that he doesn't live here and so does not get to have an opinion about what we store in the basement or whether some item hasn't been put away yet, empathize or at least pretend to empathize that we are not here waiting for him to come set things straight we are real feeling thinking beings having a life that he is entering in the middle of - maybe ask us what's new or how we're doing before yelling about his own issue. It's a work in progress. Originally I was hitting each conflict head on and addressing it at the time, but I felt I was nit-picking, so I had one good big-picture conversation about how he was coming across and what we expected going forward. But how he is with me is 100x more respectful than how he is with S15. When I'm not there it's bad. S15 just tries to be gone, and only ran into him this past weekend because there was no set schedule for H to come by. And that was on purpose. I would have liked to send in Nana from Peter Pan but all I had to send over was Cerberus the zombie doberman.

[Tallula]

H does still think of our house as his. He's still paying the mortgage after all, so I understand why he thinks that way. He walks right in, and lights right into the boys and me about things he doesn't like, just like old times. I have suggested to him a couple different things: enter as respectfully as if he's entering a friend's house, remember that he doesn't live here and so does not get to have an opinion about what we store in the basement or whether some item hasn't been put away yet, empathize or at least pretend to empathize that we are not here waiting for him to come set things straight we are real feeling thinking beings having a life that he is entering in the middle of - maybe ask us what's new or how we're doing before yelling about his own issue. It's a work in progress. Originally I was hitting each conflict head on and addressing it at the time, but I felt I was nit-picking, so I had one good big-picture conversation about how he was coming across and what we expected going forward. But how he is with me is 100x more respectful than how he is with S15. When I'm not there it's bad. S15 just tries to be gone, and only ran into him this past weekend because there was no set schedule for H to come by. And that was on purpose. I would have liked to send in Nana from Peter Pan but all I had to send over was Cerberus the zombie doberman.

That has to be really hard. Hopefully a firm S agreement will iron out the "His House" thinking. As for S15, yikes. Hopefully Cerberus can get through to him...

I loved your post on your ski trip! You are I are very similar ladies. Ha. I love it! Your willingness to work on you is an inspiration!

[adinva]

Thanks T. I'd be a runner too if my feet would cooperate. I loved the race culture and the peace of competing quietly with myself.

S15 is in a pickle. He's at an age where he'd be trying stuff anyway and probably rebelling against the very strong authority my H has always represented. And now in the middle of it my H has completely lost the kid's respect, acted like a complete jerk, and shown no interest in knowing or understanding his boy. My greatest fear is that the damage comes back to S15 when he himself hits 40. My goal is to give him a different set of tools. I don't worry nearly as much about S12 because he's so different from his dad, he's been rebelling against his dad since he was a toddler. But S15 is as athletic, charismatic, and strong in personality as his dad and is going to someday wonder how much like his dad he really is, and how much like him he has to be.

I thought H was out of the woods because he overcame a bad father and seemed like he was really going to be different. Would be totally opposed to divorce, loyal to family no matter what, able to cope with life's challenges through humor, not overly concerned with all that romantic stuff that leads other people to go searching for greener pastures, just a solid, pragmatic, good guy. It's like his personality froze, turned brittle and started to crumble.

I really thought it unfair that this happened just when I'd have been leaning on H to help S15 become a man. I'm the one dealing with condom wrappers, drug use, truancy, academics, hopes and dreams. It's just like this past weekend. I'm on the lift line and it's going to move forward; I'm a mom and have no choice but to dig in and do what's needed, and it'll be fine even if it's not easy. I hoped to have a partner in this, but even if we weren't divorcing I knew my H wasn't on the same page with me for a very long time. He's been angry and frustrated with the kids since they stopped playing little soldier to his drill sergeant routine a long time ago. He's been unable to have rational conversations with me where we establish our joint values and united front, for a very long time. If we didn't agree he would either bulldoze and browbeat until I complied or else shut down and get resentful. This wasn't a good family to be in even if we had a nice house and good schools and money and stuff.

[adinva]

So. H emailed me yesterday:
---
What do u think about all of us going to WV for ATV touring over Spring Break?

I don't think anything in WV will be too expensive and we can stay however many days we want.
---

After some consideration of how much I am done pretending, and tired of everyone else acting like nothing happened, and how H doesn't speak anything of meaning he just acts like he can just come and go and do stuff for and with us until we all agree he's just a good guy who couldn't be married to me.... I realized the much bigger problem right now is the rift growing between him and S15, and I can't fix that but I can help where it's appropriate.

I can't promise S15 will go, or will be nice when he gets there, but I know for a fact that if I'm going, we're all going. If I don't go S15 will put up a lot more resistance and most likely not go. I know that.

So I responded:
---
S15 has lacrosse practice Monday and Tuesday of spring break. I can ask the kids if they want to do that. I will go if it facilitates the kids spending time with you, but would recommend it being just a couple or few days.
---

S12's response was "sure, I like ATVs."
S15's response was "I'll stay home. I don't want to go."

I was in the car with just S15 so I said, S15, I think it is important, FOR YOU, to try at least once in a while, to spend some time doing something fun with Dad. It's really important.

He said, "I don't want to go. I want to see my friends for spring break. It'll be boring."

I said, it's not all of the week, and also, if you want to you can bring a friend. S15 is getting agitated. He said, I'll have lunch with him or something instead. I pointed out that his dad probably thinks that if he invited S15 to lunch he would say no. S15 said, yeah, I would.

I said, look, it's a month away, we don't have to decide yes or no right now. We will talk more about it and I promise I will listen to you. I promise that.

I can see that H is trying, in the only way I've ever seen him try, to connect. He does stuff, that's all he ever does. Something he thinks will be cool so the kids will want to go if only for the cool factor. Unfortunately S15 is at an age where the fact that it was your dad's idea and he's going too, eliminates any possible cool factor.

I could say, look, it's a family trip and you're going and that's that. I'm sure that's what most people would do. I'm sure S15 has been spoiled by being given so much latitude so far on what he has to go to and what he gets to stay home from. I just parent with all the knowledge that I collected as a kid, and I was forced and told what to do and not do and learned my opinion didn't matter and my feelings were useless, so shut up, fold your arms, put on your mad face and sit there and be a part of this family. I would really like to do better for this boy who's old enough to understand what the point is and make some choices himself.

[Rick1963]

I dunno AD. Not sure why you are ok in going on this trip? Or why you are negotiating with the kids for your H?
The way it looks to me is that u are trying to fix the riff between them. Maybe I'm wrong on this.

Let H do all the work with them including this trip.