post-D with WAW

[AnotherStander]

Looking back on things tonight. One of the suggestions my DB coach gave was to occasionally invite XW along on things S and I were doing to give her a chance to interact as a friend. That was a couple months ago now and I've noticed I've tried three separate times. Each one was casual and something we were doing anyway: going to the zoo, having an Easter brunch and scavenger hunt, and, next week, his birthday party. Each one she declined and given no indication she was interested. I am trying to be patient, but I don't know what to do to encourage friendship, or even friendly co-parenting. I considered ours a close friendship when we were married. I didn't think she'd be that opposed to us interacting.

That sounds fine, that's about one invite a month so I think you're doing it without putting a lot of pressure on her. And from your description it sounds like you did do those activities without her anyway which is exactly what you should do. Ask them along with no pressure (IE, "we're going to the zoo, if you're interested you're welcome to join us"), and if they don't go then you go anyway.

When you say you don't know what to do to encourage friendship, all you can do is keep doing what you're doing and hope that XW changes her mind at some point. I know it's been a long time for your sitch, but I have a friend whose W left him and they barely spoke for a year. Then they slowly started talking again, then doing things together, and now it's been 2 years and they just started going out again a few months ago. So you never know.

[azguy]

Thanks, AS. I've been feeling at a crossroads for the last week or so, but I think I still want to continue the path I'm on. It feels like I'm going down cheeseless tunnels at the moment, though, so I'm trying to think what else I could be doing if anything.

Have been planning S's party this last week or two. Talked to him yesterday and learned that XW's (and my) friend is having another party for him at friend's house on his birthday (I'm having his party a couple weeks early since I need to be on travel during his birthday.) That upset me, though I tried not to show it to him. I guess I was hoping XW and friend would joins us for the one I was arranging.

I am really sensitive to feeling like our friends have enabled the separation and divorce. This brings up feelings I had when W moved out last spring. A mutual friend flew into town to help her move out of the house. That hurt. I think in both cases, I read too much into their motivation. They see W in need of help and are trying to pitch in. Still, it feels like they are somehow encouraging it by doing these things.

In the end, it's good for S to be shown attention and that he's loved on his birthday. I am trying to keep that in mind.

[in_it]

azguy-way to spin that back to your son's feelings. Yes, that's what matters & at his age he will love the attention.

Our friends do not know of our sitch. That is one thing I wonder about & how everything will be perceived.

[azguy]

So went to the concert tonight. While waiting for the band I looked around a bit for W and S and actually ran into them. This was a stadium concert, so sort of surprising. We ended up hanging out for the concert. S seemed to really like it. W was friendly and even chatty about the band and the songs. Had one minor incident in the middle where we had to move. We even talked about that afterward in a friendly way.

Another incident where I both enjoyed it and kept wondering how we've ended up divorced. I sort of pursued by looking for them during the concert, but I just told them I was curious to see whether I would run across them. If xw minded she didn't show it.

S is excited about the party tomorrow and mentioned it a couple times. Xw offered to bring supplies over. I thought she was trying to avoid it so the offer took me by surprise. I just said I didn't know of anything I needed.

[stilllookingup]

Next time she offers to do anything, take it. Even if you didn't need anything think of something you need and take the offer. That was my coach's first advice for me when my H was still living here. There was no anger or hate between us so he would still come to the kitchen when I was preparing dinners and asked if I needed help. Most of the time I didn't so the first few times I'd kindly decline his offers. After speaking to a coach I started taking any offer. The advice totally made sense. Every time he offered, we would end up talking a lot and created a nice atomisphere. After any offer and job, I sincerely thanked him for help and again it created a nice vibe.

[azguy]

I like that idea. Next chance, I'll try it.

I do this with everyone. Someone asks me if I need help and I say no before even thinking about it. I guess the first part that I need to work on is to stop myself from saying anything before I think about it.

[stilllookingup]

Yes you seem to have the tendency I think. Same with her coming to feed the cats. Just ask. Just take the offer. I can suggest this strongly because I too have that tendency to say no or say something unnecessary.

Just the other day I was texting with a mother in law of my best friend who just hs a baby. She lives far so she couldn't be here for the delivery. I was helping her by letting her know of the situation but I actually couldn't have helped her as much as I wanted because the labor took so long I ended up goin home when my friend actually delivered a baby. Anyway I was texting her from home and she was so appreciative of my effort and told me she really thanked me. I immediately said "I haven't done anything" Right after I texted that I realized again I did it again. Why couldn't I have just said "you are welcome" ?

I really think it's kind of my defense mechanism I need to work on. I tend to value myself much lower than people do. In result I always add something unnecessary to simple "Thank you" or "Would you do this?"

You and my goal both. We need to be able to just say "yes that'd be great, Thank you"

[azguy]

Had birthday party for S today. Enjoyed all the preparations and seeing how excited he was by the whole thing. Made my first birthday cake. Was a real mess, but still tasted all right. Messaged a picture of it to my XW as a sort of joke (she always used to complain she couldn't make a good cake, so I was showing er my best effort). No response. Mutual friends avoided the party and didn't bother to tell me they were doing so. I guess that is another indication that I don't have them as friends anymore.

Good: I enjoyed throwing S the birthday party I never would have while we were still married. Helps in my bond with him.

Bad: The idea that this might somehow help in my R with XW seem pretty delusional right now.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

[azguy]

Have been mulling the weekend's events over in my mind all week. I have been putting too much effort lately into trying to get XW's attention in some way, and not enough into rebuilding my life. I am happy with the changes I made to my personality (less anger and anxiety), my work-life balance ( I now rearrange my work to support S as much as possible, rather than leaving it to XW), and my free time (I work out now, and look for opportunities to hang out with friends). What I have been disappointed by, is that my XW seems to have not noticed and still appears to desire no contact with me other than essential parenting interactions.

But that's her choice, and I am much happier with myself than I was last year at this time. I guess I'm just now at the point where I really feel single and am wondering what I do next.

[SFC_Swede]

It is an awakening after a D. My first one ended badly, but people who I previously raved about me, and whom I treated as if they were my own family took the XW side even though they knew full well what was going on.

Even my XMIL poisoned the well with my kids as they grew up. I treated this woman with nothing but respect and love...and thats how she repaid me.

Lesson...D's are messy things. You are holding up well. Be strong and keep your S in your heart, because I can tell you...in the end, thats all that really matters other than your safety and happiness.