So, I decided last week that I am at the point after my divorce where I'd like to try meeting other women. I still don't think I'm over my XW. If she showed any indication of reconsidering at this point, I'd take me about two seconds to decide what to do. However, I think it's, in a way, just more pursuing if six months after the divorce, I'm still waiting for that change of heart to kick in. It's certainly had an impact on my sense of confidence and happiness to wait the past year for her to reconsider, or even talk to me about it. I think I'm finally ready to move on.
The next difficult step, of course, is how I approach dating. I worry that I'm in a healthy state of mind to begin any sort of relationship. Maybe something casual would be okay. I signed up for an online site, and have a drink with an interesting lady later this week. That happened quickly.
Anyway, these forums have been really great for support and ideas. I appreciate all the advice and sharing people have provided here.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Well good for you, AZ. It's still pretty early on after the D, so you'll probably want to take it nice and slow and keep it casual while you continue to work on you. But I think it's good that you've decided to do some dating.
You might also want to consider speed dating. It might seem odd, but I hear you really learn a lot about what you're looking for in a person by talking to a large nnumber of different women.
I wish you the best, and of course I hope your xw has a change of heart.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
The next difficult step, of course, is how I approach dating. I worry that I'm in a healthy state of mind to begin any sort of relationship. Maybe something casual would be okay.
Personally I think that if you're ready, then it would be a good idea and a great way for you to more effectively put the D behind you and become more detached. It sounds like you plan on easing into it and that's a good approach, but things do have a way or progressing rather quickly if you make a connection with someone! Just try not to let it move too fast, it's like going for a swim in cold water, you have to ease your way in and adjust before moving in further. Then again, maybe you're one of those people that just does a cannonball right into the cold water, LOL!
We'll see. I am definitely one of those people who spins a small positive encounter into much more, so I'm trying to be aware of that and just go slow. My intention is to try to just be friendly with women I meet with, and practice the process of getting to know someone, rather than jump into any sort of a R. It's been 18 years since I really last thought about these issues, so it's very weird.
In an odd way practicing DB has helped me with this next step. It's a way of approaching relationships with integrity, but not giving in to the anxious mess I am inside any time I'm trying to impress someone else.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
I'm slowly moving into the dating scene. The process has been a great ego boost. I've had a couple dates so far, and some nice, friendly times with two of the women. After a year of trying to understand how I could have been so unattractive to my XW that she could leave me, it's helpful to have some reassurance that others don't necessarily see me that way. Of course, since the divorce, I've improved my confidence quite a lot. The fundamental change, is that I am now comfortable with how I see myself and my changes. I'm at over a year since my XW moved out now, and it's been sort of shocking to remember where I was, emotionally a year ago. Self esteem in the toilet, desperate for any way of getting my estranged W's attention. Now it seems to have finally settled down.
I still get minimal contact from my XW. I try not to read too much into that. Other than wanting to keep up a bit more of a relationship for the sake of our S, I have gradually come to accept that this is all she has to give. I've also noticed that my anger and resentment is now largely gone, while hers still seems to be there. It's odd; I think a lot of my anger during the relationship was a sort of trying to bond with her. I hope she can work through that, but it's now not my issue any more.
So, not the path I envisioned when I started earlier this year, but it's a path I'm happy with.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
