I appear to be on moderation. Last thread I tried to start hasnt posted for two days now.
Will wait for this post to appear before typing update.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM, It is true that you are on moderation. If you have questions or would like to request coming off moderation, please contact virginia@divorcebusting.com.
I'm gonna take a wild stab that it had to do with the soft core porn post from your last thread...
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Ok sorry I didnt realize it was not appropriate. The point was to illustrate how much wife was allowing.
Mr Bond how do you know I havent changed? I havent even typed anything in this thread yet! Lol.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM, your last post in the other thread was so full of mind-reading, snooping and immaturity that I really question if any of this is sinking in with you. Take your newly implemented moderation as a big hint that you need to stop, step back and actually pursue some DB'ing in your life. Detach. Get a life. Quit focusing soooooo much on your W and OM and focus on YOU. Quit talking about all the GAL stuff you're going to start "some day" and do it NOW. Read DR. Develop a list of your 180's. Implement them. Take a few weeks off from here. When you come back, return with a new attitude and spirit. Post your list of 180's. Post a list of the GAL activities that you have ALREADY been pursuing by then. Challenge yourself to not say a word about your W or OM in your posts. Good luck to you.
I haven't posted to you before. And I'm not sure I want to now, other than the fact that you seem to have this incredible knack for drawing people into your drama. I have seen some of the most knowledgeable vets walk away from you shaking their head, trying to find a way to connect on some level with you, only to have it thrown back into their face. And I'm not sure if you fully understand the frustration that comes along with that. Maybe you do and I am mistaken.
Either way, the sentiment is that you are not "getting" it. What that means ? It depends on the poster saying it. Each has their own style and words that they use, although their advice, almost always arrives at the same place.
You started off here, on the wrong foot, and you insulted quite a few good people that could help you through this, not for the marriage, but for yourself. And I think that one of the points that you may be missing, is that the posters here, are more concerned with the "you" aspect of things rather than the "we" aspect of things.
A red flag that you send up, is that you feel mis-understood a lot, because of your intelligence, and that you can think your way out of this. What I see, is that this is the FIRST thing in your life, that you haven't been able to think your way out of, although you probably feel that if you try just a little harder, that you will think your way out. I can tell you this, you are more understood than you think you are here.
And to be blunt ?
Thinking is what got you here to begin with.
DBing employs certain concepts, that go against the normal grain of what we THINK relationships should be built on. Everything that DBing stands for, is counter-intuitive to what the normal is.
So you explaining yourself at every turn, paints you out to be different. It also alarms the vets to the fact that you are still trying to fix things with your wife. And that is okay if you are...
Right up to the point that it isn't anymore. And that point is a very fine line, which every poster, has a different view of that line.
Personally ? I think that you like the drama, and that you thrive on the drama. That you enjoy the "thrill of the kill" during an argument. That being right, is more important than admitting that someone else could possibly be correct about something. And that people with a lesser IQ than you, have little to offer someone as smart as you are.
I would also assume that it hurt you quite a bit posting about your situation here, because you had to admit that something was wrong, that you couldn't fix. It come across in your posts, that you only started posting , because you thought that this was a simple tweak in her personality, and you be off and running again, repeating the same poor behaviors time after time again.
Nothing that your DB coach told you to do, will work, IF the person enacting those behaviors, still does so in the same way that they have always done them. And it makes it hard to support you, when you choose to argue that point with anyone that is willing to post to you. And that doesn't mean that we don't support the coach, it means that we don't support the behaviors behind the actions.
Nowhere, have a I read that you took a long look at one of your actions. And I think that is what is frustrating to many people that have given up on you here. That comes across as being very arrogant in your posts.
You also come across as being very superior to her in many ways...
Even in your signature line..."For better or for worse, in SICKNESS and in health"
That comes across with a certain sense of superiority from you, because you choose to stand for your marriage, and she didn't. I can tell you that honoring your vows, has ZERO to do with her, and more with yourself.
I would venture, that communication is very hard for you, and it shows here.
If the people posting to you here can see that after a few months, imagine how that looks to the person that knows you the best, for the longest time....
I could go on, but for now, I will leave you with a couple questions....
What do you want help with ????
And
Who do you want posting to you ????
Think about what you want, and how you want to get there.
SM, your last post in the other thread was so full of mind-reading, snooping and immaturity that I really question if any of this is sinking in with you. Take your newly implemented moderation as a big hint that you need to stop, step back and actually pursue some DB'ing in your life. Detach. Get a life. Quit focusing soooooo much on your W and OM and focus on YOU. Quit talking about all the GAL stuff you're going to start "some day" and do it NOW. Read DR. Develop a list of your 180's. Implement them. Take a few weeks off from here. When you come back, return with a new attitude and spirit. Post your list of 180's. Post a list of the GAL activities that you have ALREADY been pursuing by then. Challenge yourself to not say a word about your W or OM in your posts. Good luck to you.
At this stage I don't believe he's capable of doing that. SM is so wrapped up in his W it's scary. How many months have gone by with no progress on his part? I shudder to think what will happen if/when his W wants to end the M. Clearly this is a man who cannot move on with his life without his W.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
At this stage I don't believe he's capable of doing that. SM is so wrapped up in his W it's scary. How many months have gone by with no progress on his part? I shudder to think what will happen if/when his W wants to end the M. Clearly this is a man who cannot move on with his life without his W.
A lot of the time I actually feel like how you describe SM, but am working on it. My W isn't in an open relationship so I can't say how bad I would be if that was the case. Trying to rewire the brain away from what, for years, has been the most important thing in existence is tough.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
