My wife is having affair with a mutual friend

[Hawker_44]

My wife of 30 years is having an affair with a mutaul friend of ours. Not sure how long it has been going on, but I think for aleast a year. She does not know that I know about it, and has noticed my change in attitude and demenor. She keeps asking me what is wrong, but I can't bring myself to confront her with what I know. What is so confuseing to me about all of this is that she is still very loving to me and seems to be genuingly concerned about my well being. She still tells me she loves me, and will hug and kiss me the same way she always has. The only thing I have seen any change in is our sex life. She has refused my advances on a few occasions and the few times we have done it, she seemed a little disengaged. I concluded that she might have been feeling guilty having sex with me and felt like she was being unfaithful to the other guy. I'm not sure what to do at this point. She is obviously in love with this man and is very happy with their relationship. She and our mutual friend still expect me to hang out together and do things. I'm not sure how I'm going to react when we do finaly get together. I don't think she is looking to dump me and be with him. She seems to want to have both worlds simultaneously, the routine and security of our marriage and the excitement and fun of the other man. I'm so confused about what to do or how to react. Its so hard knowing my wife and my friend have this secret life together and I'm not included. I feel very hurt and alone right now.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[Intact]

Read DR from cover to cover and live it.

Although painful your sitch is much better than most on here as seemingly your partner still wants to be with you.

I'm someone who doesn't believe an affair has to be the end of a marriage - but that's just me personally.

I know it's horrible and painful, but read the book it really will help.

I wish you luck.

[Hawker_44]

Thanks for your input. Its hard for me not to think about my wife being with the other guy. Even when she is with me and being loving with me, I'm thinking about her and him together. I'm so amazed at her ability to have to two seperate lives, one with me and one with him. I never thought in a million years she could ever do this. I guess I'm still in shock. I'm still mulling confronting her with it, not sure what to do at this point.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks for your input. Its hard for me not to think about my wife being with the other guy. Even when she is with me and being loving with me, I'm thinking about her and him together. I'm so amazed at her ability to have to two seperate lives, one with me and one with him. I never thought in a million years she could ever do this. I guess I'm still in shock. I'm still mulling confronting her with it, not sure what to do at this point.

Normally the DB advice is not to confront a WAS, but your W isn't really a WAS. You're in a tricky spot because you don't know if confronting her will drive her away or force her out of the R with OM. The only thing I know to say is to consult with a DB coach and see what they recommend. Yours is a very delicate situation.

[KarenR]

I agree, this is a very difficult situation. I don't necessarily agree that "she is in love with him and very happy"...she might say the same about you. But, you don't want to continue this charade. I suggest you talk to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possbile to get great advice on how to go forward. They are experts in this type of situation and will give you very specific direction on how and when to approach her, so that you are more likely to keep your family together. Ask me about a discount that we are offering now.
Take good care!

[adinva]

So sorry that you are here, but you've found a good place with a lot of caring people and a few wise ones!

To provide clarification to your story:

My wife of 30 years is having an affair with a mutaul friend of ours. Not sure how long it has been going on, but I think for aleast a year. She does not know that I know about it, and has noticed my change in attitude and demenor. She keeps asking me what is wrong, but I can't bring myself to confront her with what I know.

How do you know for a fact about this affair, and do you know for a fact if it is physical or not yet?
Do you know for a fact that she doesn't know you know? Asking you what is wrong could be her trying to broach the subject, the elephant in the room - it sounds like you are assuming that she doesn't know because he hasn't said anything and hasn't acted differently, but that is mind-reading. Try to stick with actual facts.

What is so confuseing to me about all of this is that she is still very loving to me and seems to be genuingly concerned about my well being. She still tells me she loves me, and will hug and kiss me the same way she always has. The only thing I have seen any change in is our sex life. She has refused my advances on a few occasions and the few times we have done it, she seemed a little disengaged.

You mean, in a year, you've approached her a few times and ML a few, so maybe six approaches over the whole year? Is that a change from last year? Would you describe your desire as evenly matched over the course of your marriage, or was she wanting more than you or vice versa?

What else was potentially broken in your marriage, now that you look back over it? Has she told you anything she was unhappy about?

I concluded that she might have been feeling guilty having sex with me and felt like she was being unfaithful to the other guy.

You have to really try to train yourself not to mindread. It will generally hurt you, is often wrong, and is useless with regard to the solution based approach of DB. There are other conclusions you could draw from that scenario.

She is obviously in love with this man and is very happy with their relationship.

Mindreading, bigtime. Even if she's actually saying it to someone, it's not necessarily true. That's where "believe half of what she does and none of what she says" comes into play.

She and our mutual friend still expect me to hang out together and do things. I'm not sure how I'm going to react when we do finaly get together.

I think you should get to work on yourself right now, try to get the ground back under your feet and figure out what kind of a marriage you want in your future, and then lovingly get this out in the open with your W before you find yourself trying to fake it with them. But - if you can afford coaching that would be a much better source of guidance than me on that particular issue.

I don't think she is looking to dump me and be with him. She seems to want to have both worlds simultaneously, the routine and security of our marriage and the excitement and fun of the other man.

That's called cake eating, and it's common. You may find some comfort or at least camaraderie in reading other threads here and seeing what other cheating spouses say and do. There's a lot of script, and sometimes it helps you to not take it so personally when you can see it's a script much like others have used.

That said, it's also mindreading. You really don't know what's going through her mind, you won't, and the sooner you stop trying to figure it out and get more focused on you, how you got to this place, what you can learn from it, and how you can become a man only a fool would leave, the better. For your peace of mind as well as for your chances at reconciling your marriage.

I'm so confused about what to do or how to react.

Read the 37 rules that are stickied at the top of Newcomers and try to do any of them that help to heal your self respect, positive mental attitude, and health, Do any of them that make you more interesting, more mysterious, more of a catch than you were before. Do them to stay busy, to keep your mind off what your W is thinking, and to heal.

Its so hard knowing my wife and my friend have this secret life together and I'm not included.

That was kind of an odd statement. I'm curious if you think so too? I would have thought you'd have stopped before "and I'm not included." Is not being included the most hurtful part? Have you had much identity separate from your W over the past 30 years? If not, now is the time to start building that from the ground up. Whether you reconcile or not you need that.

I feel very hurt and alone right now.

((((((hugs)))))) This is SO hurtful. You're not alone here though. Unfortunately you have lots of company here. Take care of you.

[25yearsmlc]

Hawker,

So sorry you are here, and yes this really is a delicate and unusual situation. But as Adinva said, you are mind reading so much that it's hard to know what to advise. (I've found the DB coach I hired, excellent & insightful). You'll have to do a lot of soul searching to get through this and be braver than you knew you were.

first, PLEASE read the book that forms the basis of this site. The book Divorce Remedy is a later edition and I found it more helpful but the first edition is "Divorce Busting". Either way, read it asap. That's your first task before anything else...

OKAY,

IF you read the books that form the basis of this site, one thing will be hammered in your head and it will help you...it's called GAL, which means Get A Life. And you have to do it so you can save your sanity AND so you can start to confuse your w a bit.

The goal of GAL is discussed in depth in the books. It's done first for YOU, secondarily and perhaps not at all, to get your w to notice that you are not who she thought. And or That you can change. B/c your w has to believe that you can change and that the marriage can change, before she'll consider restoring the marriage to what you want it to be.

She must have some negative images of you or she would not be doing this IF SHE IS DOING IT, (which WE do not know yet) and whatever those negatives are, need to be contrasted with your new positive behaviors.

Those are called "180s". So if you used to be tardy all the time, suddenly you'll be VERY punctual.

Counter the negatives with positives so you undermine her vision of you...and hire a DB coach if you can.

Do you have children? If so, where are they and what age are they?

Is this friend of yours also married? And please, please, make sure you KNOW what you think you know.

This is a lot of pain to go thru if it turns out to be nothing much or something much less than you think.

I happen to NOT believe that she's "obviously in love w/him". In fact I think it's the opposite. He may be filling a physical need of hers but you are filling her in other ways.

Another book to read (after you've read the DB book or the Div Remedy book) would be "The Five Love Languages", so you can figure out which "love tank" she needs filled...

For now, trust that you are not a failure as a man. Trust us when we say that your pain IS NOT ETERNAL and it is NOT FATAL.

You will survive this. You will do more than mere survival; eventually if you dig deep enough, you'll emerge from this ordeal as a better, stronger man.

Check out Crimson's thread, for a case of a man who really has bravely looked within and grown A TON!

Check out Denver's thread for a man who had a WAW and she had a OM and yet they are working on their marriage now...

check out an older poster, from years ago, called faithful husband. His wife had an affair, he made some changes, they worked on their marriage and they are truly happier now than before.

They were married for about 30 years too...so those are 3 men who have improved greatly as men.

1 is fully reconciled, 1 is in piecing, try to fully restore his marriage and the other man, Crimson, is divorced BUT he and his w are sort of "dating" and there has been a real warming trend with them.

All 3 men came here feeling broken and hurt. All three men took ownership of whatever roles they played in their marriages' problems but without becoming doormats.

There is a way thru this.

You're in the best place for a terrible reason. Welcome. We'll do our best to help you.

Again, you are not alone AND though your pain is real, it's not going to kill you or last forever.

if you have children, they'll someday face a big blow to their heart or a huge setback. Teach them how a man of strength and honor faces it...

(but no, do not share this with them...you want to

keep the road home, paved & smooth for your wife. Don't make it any harder on her than it already will be to come back, if your suspicions are accurate and it gets out.

Sometimes Wives feel cornered and then CHOOSE the OM...which they might not have done if they'd been given more of a choice...and TIME...

IF she "loves" the OM, this will take longer. If this is purely physical, don't fall over shocked. It does happen.

And frankly, it's easier to handle. But usually women who have affairs have justified them in their heads/hearts. You have to wrap your brain around that fact. Very few women risk their m's for an affair unless they feel entitled to it OR they feel SO tempted by it.

Til we know more, we can only speculate.

How or why do you feel certain she's having a physical affair? And if you had to guess

what would you say SHE WOULD SAY, was missing in the marriage before OM was in the picture.

Would you really call it 'just boredom"? Or the classic excuse some LBSers want which is to blame it on "Mid Life Crisis" b/c somehow there are folks who think that MLCs are more likely to work out

and or the LBSers avoid looking at their own role by blaming the crisis on an MLC...

no matter what is happening with your w, you have to look at your own role in this b/c you will want to know what to do!

And your course of action remains the same, btw. So I'd urge you to do something people I respect don't totally agree with.

For instance, I think Cadet suggests reading up on MLCs. Many wise veterans around here suggest that.

And go ahead. Read a book or two on it.

BUT PLEASE REMEMBER to work on YOU and know that you are the only person YOU control in this. Do NOT use the "MLC" label as a reason not to look at yourself. Too many people here are too hurt to face their own role...we say "give yourself time" and "breathe and take care of yourself"etc.

But eventually the LBSer must move forward. You're not there yet. Of course...

but when you are ready to DO something or to move forward, (which does NOT mean give up or file for divorce)

you'll need to do some deep digging. You'll have to face SOME traits in you that you'd prefer not having. You'll want to become a man only a fool would leave.

And that is good news. Why? B/C if you were truly a perfect h and she still cheated on you then you'd essentially be saying "i'm powerless".

But if there are traits you want to work on, traits that if changed, would help you become the man you want to become, that's a good thing.

It's empowering!

So give us a few more facts and we can better advise...and take a breath.

If you are a man of faith, lean on HIM b/c He will be there for you. There are many resources around our country for people in your shoes...

we're one. Avail yourself of our boards, the DB coaching, and you will feel better.

But do choose ONE approach b/c there are several different approaches. Some of them conflict with each other so you don't want to do a disservice to all of them. And fail on top of it.

From what I read when my situation arose, The DB approach is darn different than most. It's solution based.

We find and then do more of what helps our marriages; we find and then do less or none of, what hurts our marriages. That's DB 101 at it's simplest.

That means we don't spend too much time re-hashing the past, keep a list of grievances, or scorecards, we don't spend CHUNKS of time analyzing our childhood issues, if they are not aimed at solving problems we are facing NOW...

When I went to see the first 2 or 3 marriage counselors, they EACH had us rehashing the past "how'd you get here?"

Usually I ended up angrier than when I got there. BTW, they also each told my h that he was "not acting like he had a family" or was "acting like a single man", and that he was "being selfish".

Though it momentarily made me feel vindicated, it also meant I was powerless. Because
, if HE is wrong and I am "right", then what do I do with that??? What's so great about being "right", if it means you're powerless & unhappy??

So fwiw, the solution based approach SOUNDS simple and is simple (as in, not complicated), but is also radically different than most.

As my DB coach outlined, from the books at DB,

WE don't punish our spouses & call it "teaching them a lesson" or "showing them the consequences of their choices"

...b/c those are not loving acts AND b/c Life does that for them, anyhow.


We don't issue ultimatums unless we have to, which is rare,

AND only when we are fully, totally prepared for the answer to NOT be the answer we hoped for.

We try our absolute best to dig deep within, and honestly to ask ourselves TWO questions before we do or say something we're not sure about.

1) is this act/comment coming from a place of light/love in me, e.g., self respect or compassion OR is it an angry hurt place in my heart, my wounded ego or pride talking...???

2) is this act or comment going to HELP MY CAUSE, or hurt it?

Will it realistically get me closer to my spouse, or is it just the opposite?

At DB land, we say "do what works, don't do what does not work."
It usually takes time for a new behavior to be tested or noticed and then monitored. You will see what I'm talking about when you read the books.

Sounds simple but I'm telling you, it's different. There are folks out there who will say "expose the affair & shame her!! She's WRONG!"

And they forget that even if you have the "right" to do that^^, it is not coming from a place of love/light in you; it's the opposite.

AND, NO it won't get you any closer to your goal of reconciliation and the removal of OM as an obstacle.

So, give us some more info so we can better help you.

Please don't forget, this does get better.

You won't always be in so much pain, your life will improve, AND you're not alone!

[25yearsmlc]

ah wish we could edit!!!

Anyhow, here's a short piece on DETACHMENT, which you'll need to learn to do. DETACHEMENT does NOT mean you don't care or that you are leaving her. Detachment is something we all need to do anyhow, b/c we are all each responsible for our happiness.

Here it goes.


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


good luck!

[hotwheelsaust]

Sorry to hijack, but again, thank you 25yearsmlc. It is amazing that even knowing all this stuff, the way your write it up 25yearsmlc, it makes so much more sense. No matter how long you have been S, it is still good to hear this stuff repeated and repeated. I need to keep hearing it and I am sure others do too.