Hello all. Here's a brief run down on my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated:
My wife told me almost 2 weeks ago that she wasn't happy and wanted to do a 3 month separation. She said "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" and the separation would be the only way she could have enough space to reevaluate our relationship. i was blindsided and said I wouldnt consider any separation until we talk to a therapist (tomorrow morning). She has been somewhat withdrawn over the last few months, but whenever I'd ask her about it she'd say she was fine. Starting about almost a year ago, she started reading romance/erotic novels nonstop and spends every minute of her free time reading them. I have mentioned to her that she might be addicted, but she became very defensive and denied it. Has anyone else had this problem? I feel like when she reads those books, our relationship doesn't resemble the ones in the books (i dont think anyone in the real world does) and makes her resent me and our relationship. Another issue I have is how she decided on a 3 month separation as the first step, before talking to me sooner or suggesting counseling or books. Her Dad and Stepmom did a year long separation years ago and that worked for them, so they suggested it to her. Since she told me about the separation, I have been reading relationship books (including The Divorce Remedy) and currently doing the 180 approach. I started with trying to pursue her more (notes, trying to plan a date,etc) but realized she would just pull further away. I don't initiate any conversations or physical touch, hoping she'll come back around now that I'm giving her that space she desires. If she wants to go through with the separation after the counseling tomorrow, should I make her leave the house and dogs? When she first talked about the separation she mentioned that I should leave since my parents live in town. I don't want a separation at all and feel she should be the one looking for other living arrangements. I'm conflicted because some books say she is in the driver's seat in regards to the relationship and I should abide by her "rules". Please help!!!
We talked to the therapist today. Wife still seems adamant about a 3 month separation. After the hour long session, it seems her biggest issues concern a lack of romanticism (I think this is caused by her constantly reading erotic novels) and communication. I said, how can we improve in these 2 areas if you want to live apart for 3months? She didn't have a good answer, but told the therapist she wanted the separation to see if she'd miss me during that time. Her thinking is, " If you let something go and it comes back, it was meant to be." I don't want the separation and feel she should leave the house, even though my parents also live in town and it would be a lot easier for me to leave. Any thoughts or advice?
Starting about almost a year ago, she started reading romance/erotic novels nonstop and spends every minute of her free time reading them. I have mentioned to her that she might be addicted, but she became very defensive and denied it. Has anyone else had this problem? I feel like when she reads those books, our relationship doesn't resemble the ones in the books (i dont think anyone in the real world does) and makes her resent me and our relationship.
I do recall one other thread where a woman started reading Fifty Shades of Gray and started engaging in affairs that involved sex acts as close to those in the book as she could find. She was locating people through online forums as I recall. The H posted for a while but I think quit, so I don't know how their sitch ended up.
Quote:
Another issue I have is how she decided on a 3 month separation as the first step, before talking to me sooner or suggesting counseling or books.
Have you read DR? Michele talks about how the WAS tries for years to get through to the LBS but doesn't, so they eventually quit trying and slowly plan their exit. It might take months or even years. But when they quit trying, the LBS thinks things are GREAT because the WAS isn't nagging anymore. So when the WAS announces their departure, it's often a shock to the LBS. Their reaction is "but everything was fine, why is this happening?" But it's not "sudden" to the WAS.
Quote:
I don't initiate any conversations or physical touch, hoping she'll come back around now that I'm giving her that space she desires.
And she might, but it takes a long time. Months and months. Sometimes years.
Quote:
If she wants to go through with the separation after the counseling tomorrow, should I make her leave the house and dogs? When she first talked about the separation she mentioned that I should leave since my parents live in town.
Here is part of the convo I had with my W about this, this was drawn from these forums, DR and Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough": W, I want you to stay here and work on the M with me, but above all I want you to be happy, and if leaving me is what will make you happy then I support your decision and will help you however I can." She later approached me and asked why SHE had to leave and not me. My response was: "You are the one that wants out of this M, not me. I want to work on the M and I want you to stay here and work on it too. But if you don't want to work on the M, then it's you that needs to leave. I'm not going anywhere." It's VERY important that this be a calm, rational discussion. No yelling! My W told me that she understood my position and she never asked again, she just started looking for her own place.
Hello all. Here's a brief run down on my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated:
Starting about almost a year ago, she started reading romance/erotic novels nonstop and spends every minute of her free time reading them. I have mentioned to her that she might be addicted, but she became very defensive and denied it. Has anyone else had this problem? I feel like when she reads those books, our relationship doesn't resemble the ones in the books (i dont think anyone in the real world does) and makes her resent me and our relationship.
About 2 years ago my wife became a fan of a romance series of novels, and she cannot just be a fan, she has to be a fanatical fan. She spent hours on a bullentin board discussing the book, flew cross country to attend a meeting about the book, made a period dress based on the books, and she even curls her straight hair from time to time because the heroine has curly hair.
Of course the hero is perfect in every way.
When I was spying on her, she from time to time referred to these books. There's no way you can compete with a fictional character. I don't know what to say, other than to say it's part of my sitch too.
Hello all. Here's a brief run down on my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated:
My wife told me almost 2 weeks ago that she wasn't happy and wanted to do a 3 month separation. She said "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" and the separation would be the only way she could have enough space to reevaluate our relationship. i was blindsided and said I wouldnt consider any separation until we talk to a therapist (tomorrow morning). She has been somewhat withdrawn over the last few months, but whenever I'd ask her about it she'd say she was fine. Starting about almost a year ago, she started reading romance/erotic novels nonstop and spends every minute of her free time reading them. I have mentioned to her that she might be addicted, but she became very defensive and denied it. Has anyone else had this problem? I feel like when she reads those books, our relationship doesn't resemble the ones in the books (i dont think anyone in the real world does) and makes her resent me and our relationship. Another issue I have is how she decided on a 3 month separation as the first step, before talking to me sooner or suggesting counseling or books. Her Dad and Stepmom did a year long separation years ago and that worked for them, so they suggested it to her. Since she told me about the separation, I have been reading relationship books (including The Divorce Remedy) and currently doing the 180 approach. I started with trying to pursue her more (notes, trying to plan a date,etc) but realized she would just pull further away. I don't initiate any conversations or physical touch, hoping she'll come back around now that I'm giving her that space she desires. If she wants to go through with the separation after the counseling tomorrow, should I make her leave the house and dogs? When she first talked about the separation she mentioned that I should leave since my parents live in town. I don't want a separation at all and feel she should be the one looking for other living arrangements. I'm conflicted because some books say she is in the driver's seat in regards to the relationship and I should abide by her "rules". Please help!!!
My W has done that exact same thing with reading sex novels. She reads them a lot. She had an EA and sextet him and another man. My guess is it came from our R not having physical contact (my fault, she wanted it) She has exploded sexually. Since I have opened up to her and we have been having sex maybe once a week and sexting when she is in the mood. We went from nothing to trying about everything. I think she wants to try more than just me, but she will have to so that on her own, that crosses my line. IDK if it is a fantasy or real, I try to give her what she wants and needs sexually. Now this is my sitch, your W may be doing it for other reasons. but that is where I am and what I think about my W. Read the 5 languages of love,
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Nirvits stop worrying why your W left/living you. It doesn't matter what the reasons are. Take a good look at yourself and change what you know needs changing. You are not all bad, only some of you. That's truewith everyone.
I tell people that my exw left me for a horse. Some of it it's true some my fault some her fault. I'm not perfect neither are you or our spouses or anyone else.
I'm very sorry you are here I know how much this hurts. We are here for you. So don't be shy
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Starting about almost a year ago, she started reading romance/erotic novels nonstop and spends every minute of her free time reading them. I have mentioned to her that she might be addicted, but she became very defensive and denied it. Has anyone else had this problem? I feel like when she reads those books, our relationship doesn't resemble the ones in the books (i dont think anyone in the real world does) and makes her resent me and our relationship.
Yes, I had this problem. Not many women will admit what I'm going to tell you, but I believe there are a lot who do the same thing. I grew up on fairy tale romances. I think most girls do. Then as I grew older, I watched the romantic movies and read the novels. The more unrealistic they were, the better I liked them. But here's the thing that wasn't discussed......I daydreamed and fantasized about me having a man like the hero in the book or movie. Some people may say it's harmless, but I disagree when it begins to affect your feelings toward your H.
You all may think I should be locked up and put away, but I believe a woman can unknowingly let her mind think about fictional characters until it can have much of the same affect as that of another man. She becomes dissatisfied with her H b/c he doesn't measure up to the character in the book. I said this can start unknowingly, b/c it can be so subtle that she doesn't really realize the emotional damage she's doing to the MR. Of course, she doesn't tell her H that she wishes he would be more like the men she reads about b/c she knows it would sound crazy, and she probably won’t admit it to herself.
Whether it is a real man she knows or a fictional man, she’s still comparing her H to another man. In her mind, the H doesn’t measure up. That can plant a seed that will grow into a bad MR b/c she is not contented and it affects her happiness. As bizarre as it may sound, I really believe that it can lead to the W believing she is no longer in love with the M she married! Why? B/c she longs for the romance she reads about or watches in movies. If the H isn’t anything like the romantic hero, then over time she will began to feel lonely and want to have a man that will give her those feelings.
Now I know everyone fantasizes sometimes, but I’m not talking about a few harmless fantasies. The degree to which I’m referring to may take many years before it begins to take shape. And, I believe she loses herself in these novels b/c she feels something lacking in her R with her H.
So yes, I’ve been there. Funny, b/c I wasn’t reading that much or even interested in romantic movies when I met OM and began an EA. But the seed had grown and I was extremely dissatisfied in my M. I was turned off toward my H and resented him terribly. This certainly was not all our problems, and I don’t believe it was the foundation of our problems, but I certainly believe it influenced my perception of a relationship between a H & W a great deal.
Call it immaturity or insane……it happens.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sanid2, Dont want to hijack this thread, but could you post on mine about if there is anything I can do at this point with my W and her reading so much? 50 shades, and other graphic taboo mainstream books
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
