I wanted to see if anyone can help me make sense of the fact that I think my wife is severely depressed.
Was at Mother in Laws, dropping off D3 and she asked me about W. I told her I had noticed that she is doing the heavy sighing again that she used to do before her Zoloft prescription. MIL said that was a classic sign of depression.
She showed me a depression book that she has, because my MIL has also been treated for depression. We went through the symptoms and my wife had many of the most obvious ones. Insomnia, excess sleep, change in eating habits, sighing, etc..
So, MIL said this is what I have been saying all along. She is depressed, and feels like life is a void. She starts chatting to some guy and all of a sudden she starts feeling alive again. She says having an affair is a common pitfall of depression, because it can feel so good and can temporarily band aid the problem.
MIL thinks that her daughter didnt believe her when she told her that a long time ago. So I asked my MIL since she has been through this before herself, what can I do to help her? Her answer was, you have to let her fall. She will not listen until she falls down and experiences the rock bottom of her depression and realizes this guy is not going to make her any happier.
Anyone have any experience in cases where depression collides with dissatisfaction in life, and cause someone to want to trash their whole existence for an affair partner?
This just gets more complicated. I was doing well with detaching and just letting her have space and clear her mind but now I'm more concerned. What about suicide? I mean I don't think she would go there but I didn't think she would ever find someone else either!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Depression is very real and something many many people deal with, but IMO not a cause of WAS or A. I have been diagnosed with depression and have taken Zoloft for years, it [censored], but isn't the reason for any of my issues, just a cloud over me that I have to deal with.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Is she still taking Zoloft or not? I had asked you why the doctor gave her refills if he was concerned about her "manic" reaction, but I didn't see you answer.
You told me you had read my story, so you know I was very depressed for a long time when I engaged in an EA. The A's I've known about did not happen b/c of complete satisfaction in life of the WAS. However, that seems little comfort to the LBS. So, I'm not sure what you mean by helping you to make sense of it. What's to make sense? She's depressed! You pretty much thrashed it out early on in your thread.
How are you coming on some of those issues you were going to improve? Since we hadn't heard as much from you the past few days, I thought maybe you were GAL.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you are trully depressed having sex is not a priority or desirable. When a person is seriously depressed those things are not even thought of. And you say she has insomnia and excess sleep? You can't have both. Diagnosing your W is not helpful to You....
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
She showed me a depression book that she has, because my MIL has also been treated for depression. We went through the symptoms and my wife had many of the most obvious ones. Insomnia, excess sleep, change in eating habits, sighing, etc..
OK, so let me get this right. You were convinced that your marital problems were because your W was on A/D's. So now she's off of A/D's and you're convinced that she's depressed and that it's causing your marital problems. You are STILL trying to "diagnose" your marriage problems and unfortunately your MIL is a willing participant in this road to nowhere. This is classic "more of the same" behavior. It hasn't worked for you up until now, yet you just keep on keeping on. You're going down cheeseless tunnels. In DR Michele says some people will set up lawn chairs in front of cheeseless tunnels waiting for the cheese. I think you've built a whole patio there with furniture, umbrellas, a grille and a firepit.
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So I asked my MIL since she has been through this before herself, what can I do to help her? Her answer was, you have to let her fall.
If I remember right, your MIL left her husband and divorced him. I don't know why you think she's a good resource, it's like going to a doctor that has been disbarred for malpractice to seek out medical advice from him.
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She will not listen until she falls down and experiences the rock bottom of her depression and realizes this guy is not going to make her any happier.
Here you are again at the exact same place, convincing yourself that all your marital problems are in your W's head and you just need to sit and do nothing except wait for her to figure it out and come back. You are wasting valuable time, you should be doing 180's and GALing and showing her the H only a fool would leave. Instead you're showing her the same desperate, needy, clingy person that she doesn't want. You've said yourself that OM is a total loser, well what does that say about you? How do you look to her that she'd rather have an affair with a deadbeat loser than stay home with you? When are you going to do something about yourself?
SM, My W is on pills as well for anxiety/depression. She has been for a long time. She goes in out of depression all the time. I too noticed the less sexual activity and changes. But those were things that were side effects of drugs. Yes they suck! But they are not the cause of our sitch. You need to stop analyzing all this and detach. The definition of insanity right! And you just keep expecting different results. It doesn't matter how you got I this point. And our MIL depression has no barring on this as well. Detach!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thank you for the responses everyone. I think I sent out the wrong message by asking for help from all of you on dealing with wife's depression. It came across as attachment, when really it is concern. Remember, detaching doesn't mean you don't care, it only means her actions do not influence my mood.
So since I do actually care, that is why I am concerned. I don't have experience with depression and have never even had a close family member with depression. All I know is that she is the mother of ky child and I don't want her to hurt herself, and that scares the he11 out of me!
This is not attachment or co dependcy, this is caring.....
Sandi I keep meaning to make time to answer your question about the prescription but I never seen to have time since I am GALing and doing home projects for D3. But the short version is that her therapist that wrote the prescription (through the MD in her office) does not see any negative 'medicinal response'. This is the same therapist that prescribed the meds the first day she net my wife, so really does not have so much prior behavior to compare her current behavior with.
When I spoke with the therapist, she told me that life has a lack of permenance and I would be wise to start learning to deal with that. When I asked her of her marital status, it turns out she is divorced....no shock there.
Wife is not going to see her any more, but somehow her prescription still gets refilled. Not sure if she just calls the therapist or what. I haven't asked wife because as you all know, suggesting to wife that the meds caused this mess would be a big mistake.
By the way, just to reiterate again, my position on the meds is not that they caused this. It is that they are aiding my wife to not 'give a damn', which is EXACTLY what anti depressants are designed to do. And they are working wonderfully in that respect.
Wife was weaning off but I saw a brand new bottle the other day so it may be that she couldn't handle the anxiousness without the meds and then upped the dose a little closer or back to the original prescription dose.
For those of you who have read my previous thread, you may remember that I offended people by suggesting that prior exposure to divorce through parents, was a contributing factor to WAS thinking divorce was a good solution to their problems. A barrage of responses came in about how offensive that is.
Only 25yearsmlc thought that it made sense. And actually she pointed out that MWD subscribes to this theory too, as she mentions it in her book and also in the walk away spouse video she has that you can see on YouTube.
Anyway I looked up the stats. 50 percent is the average divorce rate for first marriages right? Well here is the rest of the picture. The divorce rate is much lower, more like 20 percent in segments of the population who are religious and do not have divorced in their family.
When one spouse is from a broken home, the divorce rate is 50% higher than the average rate, making it about 75%.
When BOTH spouses are from broken homes, the divorce rate is triple the average!
So the average rate of 50% is only when you average the numbers from couples with no divorces in their family, with one spouse from broken home, and with two spouses from broken home.
I can't post the link because I was put on moderation already for outside links before. But it wasn't hard to find if anyone is interested in the numbers. Like I said before, if you don't think that the example your parents set for you or your spouse is factoring into your sitch, then you are in denial. No need to be offended, its just the honest truth. In fact, we shouldn't be taking offense to this because we are all here to try to break the cycle. We want our kids to have the good example that some of us didn't have. And that, is an honorable position....which requires you to be honest with yourself about the effect of your parents divorce on your own understanding of marital commitment.
Sunday we are planning an easter egg hunt for D3 at MIL house, followed by easter feast. Can't wait....drooling just thinking of the food.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I just posted the previous comment and got the moderation message. I guess because a few people said I offended them by stating what is a known fact, and what Michelle herself says in her book, I am still on moderation.
Mods you have to relax a little on the moderation! Just because a few people get offended doesn't mean they are justified. I wasn't rude about it, just stating the facts...the truth hurts sometimes, but like I mentioned in the previous post we should use that as fuel in our mission to break the cycle!!
No more unnecessary divorces!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Sandi, here is a quick update on the progress on my 180s.
I am still managing to come home between 5pm and 5.30 even with the launching of my third retail store. I have established a new chain of command that allows me to be flexible with my hours. I even hang out at home until 9 or 10 almost everyvday instead of the 8.30 start I used to do. So cut back from 8.30 to 7pm to 10qm to 5.30pm, and at he same time expanded my business. Not too shabby!
The projects around the house that were started but notfinishedbeen taken care of. I have even been working on a new one....a beautiful back yard play area afor d3 .
Looking like a business owner was another complaint. All new work shirts and shoes, pants, always clean shaven and smelling good. New cologne that I picked out instead of my wife always getting cologne for me.
Being more complimenting is going really well. When I see my wife do something I like, or wear something cutything psitive that I feel happy about, I make it a point to stop her and show her that I noticed.
Validating her feelings is going real well too, thanks to everyone's help (especially Anotherstander who should be known as Mr Validate ! Lol )
Overall I think our interactions are going very positively. We enjoy time together, and she is no longer hostile...ever. she initiates phone calls sometimes during work hours. Also the other day she fixed my collar before I left for work, something she always did but hadn't done since BD. She also stuck her finger in my eye to remove a fallen eye lash while we were out in public. I think both of these things indicate she is caring again, right? Maybe not...its not clear, but I think its a baby step. One of my goals is/was for her to initiate physical touch.
The negatives are that she is still applying for jobs supposedly so she can afford to move out. Although I don't sense an urgency in the matter. Also she is still going to see OM. A friend of hers told me wife said she needs a job not just so she can move out, but so if she decided to stick around she can help with our finances because I had 'carried the burden on my own for so many years'.
On GAL, I have been to another meditation session, I have reconnected with the first guy I met when I moved to USA, and have gone out a few times with this friend. Also hung out with he and his wife and new baby who is so precious! Reminds of the good old days when D3 was a baby.
Also taken D3 to do lots of new stuff like feed the horses, the zoo, different parks around town etc...
Feeling eerily detached now. I still love my wife but I don't feel a panic when she hints that her plan is still in effect. However she does sometimes say things that contradict her stated plan, like when she says we need an outdoor play area for daughter so she can play while we relax and hang out in the afternoons. This doesn't sound like moving out. Who knows anymore.
I went to give her a hug the other dy and she lent in and kissed me on the cheek. I think she thought I was going to kiss her not hug her, but she did not seem to mind after the fact.
Not sure what progress would look like from here. Also don't have clear goals anymore since the old ones have been accomplished already. I think its time for another phone coaching session to adjust the approach.
It's true that 180 alone will not end an affair. Sandi, you had said once that the WAW will not usually turn around unless she experiences a loss. Not sure what kind of loss she could have but I guess if she was to move out then she may feel the loss or our friendship and companionship. Just brainstorming here..
Any comments or sugggestions? How am I doing?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
