it's been a while since i've had my own thread. i lurk from time to time.. but i haven't had much input because i am such a mess.. but today.. i really felt myself spiraling and just needed to get some words out. i don't know where i belong.. newcomers? mlc? we are not divorced. separated.
it's been about 18 months since bomb drop. since that time.. my H left.. had a roomie for a while... and then he was back home.. not piecing.. not together.. just... coexisting.. in the same space.. living his life and doing his own thing. he disappears on his weekends off with the kids and i go to my mom's when it's my weekends off.
now he finally has his own place. and i realize that it's needed to move forward but it still hurts none the less.
my S is now 6.. struggling in school.. holding in a lot of emotions.. my daughter is 3 and smarter than any 3 year old should be.
i feel like i'm spiraling and not sure how i'm going to catch my next breath. last night i had a total meltdown. it started with my son asking me "why does D get to spend more time with dad then i do?".. and over dinner my D asking "why does daddy choose not to live with us?". and then when i got an email from my S's teacher saying she wanted to meet and discuss his progress because he's really struggling.. i left the room when H said S seemed upset. i went upstairs to the bathroom.. closed the door.. and the tears just started flowing.
i am so tired. my family and friends don't get it. they feel i should be happy that H is finally leaving. i think in their minds, they feel i should be over this by now considering it's been 18 months. but how do you ever get over the grief and loss inflicted on your children. i just don't know.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Bf I don't know how to answer. I feel the same way about my two little ones that ask very similar questions. It's a forever feeling of loss and grief for them.
Sending you love...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi there Barely, I'm glad you're here writing out your pain. I think when you try to bury it it grows. Yeah, it sux but yeah, you'll get through it and you and the kids will be happy. Don't wallow or let them wallow in what they feel sad about. Encourage the feelings, encourage the verbalization, be d*mn glad they can say those things because you know they would be feeling them if they couldn't say them and you'd never know how their pain was growing under the surface. Hurt is not a bad thing, it's part of life. Showing them what you do when you feel hurt is your job. What do you do when you feel hurt? What do you show your kids to do when they feel hurt?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm sorry you feel like you're spiraling down, but do know that we'll be here to catch you.
Your sitch over the last months has been creating a lot of instability and confusion for the kids...it's good that they are asking questions, though I know it's so hard to hear it.
It has also created a difficult place for you to live in...where you couldn't really feel like home in your own 4 walls. So no, even if you tried to get "over" him, you were not in a place to heal. You've been living with an open wound.
Hopefully, with him getting his new place will create a little more clarity. Hopefully then you can begin to heal, but don't force yourself to get over the grief....it will take some time and you will be going through cycles when you think you are making progress, and then you will feel like you've taken steps back.
thank you everyone for the much needed love. i feel so very much alone these days despite all the people around me. and it helps to have someone listening and understanding what this process is like.
it's hard to believe it's been 18 months already. that's basically half my daughter's lifetime.
today i'm struggling with the fact that despite my own logical mind telling me.. things won't always feel this way.. it gets better.. i still can't see it. it's a cycle i've seen before and yet i can't see past today and the heartbreak i seem to be experiencing over and over.
there are days where i feel like i'm in this dark dark tunnel where i wonder what it would be like to keep driving and never come back.. or if i just closed my eyes what it would be like to not have to open them again.. and i feel this tremendous sense of grief knowing that some people get pushed to that point and what stops me? the answer is always.. my kids. because they are little.. and they need me. and these days.. my whole life is defined by them. because i love them so very much.. and because they are truly what keep me going.
but i find grief in knowing that if my kids were older and didn't need me as much.. the outcome of my story might be vastly different.
i grieve in knowing that despite people being fully aware of the pain they inflict on others.. they are still willing to sacrifice all that in order to pursue the greater need of looking out for #1. this.. "i need to be authentic to who i am.. what i want.. to be true to my self even if it means hurting others" mentality that allows people to justify even sacrificing their children's wants and needs.
i am wallowing in my own self-pity. allowing my mind to entertain questions like.. why am i not good enough? what have i done to deserve this?
i need some new clarity.. a sense of direction. i realize that the only way for this to have happened is for H to leave. because while he's here.. everything remains the same. but it hurts like hell. knowing that there is an OW... being aware that he sees this OW more than he sees his kids.. oh there is just so much.
it makes me wonder.. why has he been staying here all this time? he disappears on his weekends off.. why doesn't he stay with this OW during the week as well? what kind of woman sees this as an attractive quality? a man who is ok with being a part time father.. a man who despite separating from his wife 18 months earlier is only starting to get his life started by getting his own place?
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Tell yourself what you would tell your very best friend if she didn't want to live without her no-good cheating dbag husband. BE your very best friend.
Your kids might be the first in their peer group to have their dad leave but they will not be the last or only ones. Someday they will be helping their friends cope the way that my sons' friends are helping them to know that they will be fine. To know that they are loved and valued and that some things in life stink but you get through them. I sure do appreciate those friends who are a comfort to my kids because they've been there, done that, and learned not to define even a significant part of themselves by the fact that their parents don't live together.
Hang on and know we love you!!!!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I love what Adinva said. We really have to be our own best friends.
I have often wondered what kind of woman is ok with a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife and barely seeing his 2 young children. Then the answer, not a very happy, healthy, wonderful person. Then when I found out their was more than one woman who found this behavior acceptable...yeah.
Once my H moved out, I could breath. It's been a glorious almost 3 months. My kids are really struggling. Mine are 4, 2 and 23 weeks. It's hard with little kids that need so much, but I also look at it like this. They won't remember us as a family that lived together.
Big HUGS!! This stuff is hard. But I have hope and the detirmination that this will not be the end of my happiness, but the beginning of something better. Who knows what, but better
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
