darth vader and i

[Tallula]

that's 23 weeks pregnant...

[BFloat]

i should explain the darth vader reference..

earlier in the year i was in this store flipping through books when i saw a book called "darth vader and son". now my son loves star wars and it's been a private joke that one day my H would look at him and say.. "S i am your father". the first christmas with S, i gave H an darth vader ornament. anyway.. this book was just so cute. and darth vader obviously loves his son.. and then i had an epiphany.. omg.. i married darth vader. the core of him is essentially good but somewhere along the way, he went over to the dark side. what happens next remains to be seen.

my S had a meltdown tonight. as we were coming home, H was leaving for his new place with a couple of boxes. later on in the evening.. S was very sad. i asked him what was bothering him.. and then he said he thinks daddy left him. and it made me so sad. he said he wished he could see him everyday and me too. all i could do was tell him that we both loved him very much.

when i look back at the last 18 months, i can't believe all that has happened. there was a long period of time where i felt ok.. good.. happy even. but those moments of happiness always had an underlying feeling of heartbreak.

when i got home today.. i walked around the house and turned on lights in rooms i wasn't even in. the darkness makes me feel lonely. i need to start painting.. putting up photos.. make this space about the kids and i. i don't want it to be the same for them either.. to have the memory of their dad lingering.

i'm so so sad..

[BFloat]

hurray! i did it! i cleaned my fridge!

yes.. it's a small step.. but it's a step none the less.

i'm working through a "40 days to a clean home" list i found on pinterest. gotta love pinterest.

is it wrong that what drives me today is doing everything in my power to get to a point where H will look back and say.. i made the wrong choice?

what gets me through today is a quote that says..
"one day you're going to wake up and notice that you should've tried. i was worth the fight".

[ces67]

Hey BF, so sorry things have been such a struggle lately. Its such as open wound. It will scab over at times and then something, somehow rips the scab off and the pain returns and the healing starts again.

Sorry that your kids are hurting so bad too. That's just rough. You are the one that will help them through this though and you have what it takes to do it. That may mean getting support from others to assist you, (school counselors, etc.) You don't have to do it alone but you can orchestrate the needed support.

And somewhere in there you need to take care of yourself and your own feelings. That's the best thing you can do for your kids. Its probably one of the hardest things too because it involves so much time and concentration. In some ways it will feel selfish, but its not.

And nice job on the fridge! What's next?

[nhmom]

Has your H already, or is he planning to take the kids to his "new" place? Maybe if they got a chance to see where he is going, that would give him some sort of comfort that he's not going somewhere and never coming back. Obviously, it is not a solution to their sadness, but may help a little.

Good job on the fridge! I need to go through mine..sigh. I will look up the "40 days to clean a home" list.

Oh...I was watching Wife Swap the other day, and there was one wife that wanted to frame a kid's artwork and hang it all over the house....Do your kids draw or paint? Maybe it would be cool to get them involved in framing some of their art and let them choose where they want to hang it?

[labug]

I think you're worth the fight and hopefully you can someday believe that.

Some people just don't like to take on difficult tasks, maybe your H is one of those who thinks a R should be easy. Whatever the reason, he may never see the you that others see. The important thing is that you know who you are and reflect that to your kids and others.

You have the tools to help get your kids through this tough time and it won't be the only tough spot you support them through. The future could hold even more difficult times. We never know.

Here's another quote for you: Life is just the way it is supposed to be: unpredictable, good, bad, ugly, and great all rolled up into one incredibly short experience.

I know many people whose parents are D, we all do. Most are wonderful, well-adjusted folks. Yes, some may agree that the D was painful and they wished it didn't happen but they have not let that define them. Some say that it was a good thing.

Some aren't wonderful or well-adjusted but who's to say that the D was the cause?

Define yourself and your life going forward.

[BFloat]

Labug.. You are right. I define myself. I just can't seem to figure out who I'm supposed to be these days.

I feel this immense sense of anxiety. I can't sit too long for fear of my own thoughts and emotions. I feel like I need to constantly be doing something and yet I don't know what to do. I shift from sorting things on the desk.. To doing laundry.. To doing dishes.. To be honest.. Cleaning the fridge may be the first task I've completed in a long while. And even with that I took breaks to do other things. I had to keep reminding myself to go back and finish the task at hand.

My worry is that the minute I stop.. The minute it's quiet and just me.. My mind will start replaying all these different scenarios.. Rewinding.. Fast forwarding.. Editing...

H and I have been exchanging email about the plans. In the last email he said thank you for being a great mom. The only thing I felt was... I don't need to hear you say that. I don't really care what you think. All this anger.. I'm trying to let go of but it's so tied into every other emotion I'm feeling. When he says he's worried too about the kids.. Or that he misses them.. Talks cheap. It's the choices we make surrounding those feelings that are going to matter to the kids..

I don't want to cry anymore. I'm so tired. This was supposed to be a better year. What the heck?

[Mach1]

Just a thought here, since the gang is all gathered around the campfire....

When I would find myself spinning around..

It wasn't because I didn't know what I wanted, or dreamed of..

It was because I didn't have a plan, on how I was going to get there....

You know what you want your life to look like moving forward...

Make some plans on how to get there...

It helps...really

[BFloat]

oh Mach.. you are so very very accurate.

i am totally spinning! and you are right.. i have no plan! i know this.. and yet i can't see past my own a** and rather sit here wallowing in my own self-pity. i hate this girl..

last summer.. i had a clear plan on how i wanted my life to look.. but after having H back in the house for the past couple of months.. it feels almost like day 1 all over again. almost.

so what to do...

last night i decided to get up off said a** and start the 60 day exercise plan. actually, i was feeling really good when i was doing a kickboxing circuit in the fall. even H noticed but, that got put on hold when i started a new job. so... back to square one.. i look good.. maybe i will feel good.

sort out my messy home life. i am actually one of those overly organized people. i would label everything if i could. including my children. but my home.. like my life is in complete disarray. it drives me bonkers and i need to get to a place where i feel some peace by my surroundings.

i'm taking the kids away for the weekend. going to visit some family friends by the beach. it will give me a chance to regroup.. and regain some clarity in my life. i did mention in an email to H that if he were going to be here this weekend, that i didn't want any women here. i figure.. it's my house.. i should feel safe in it.

[labug]

Gathered around the campfire, I like that.

My worry is that the minute I stop.. The minute it's quiet and just me.. My mind will start replaying all these different scenarios.. Rewinding.. Fast forwarding.. Editing..

Maybe you need to stop and just be. Accepting and experiencing our emotions and learning to live with them is such a gift. The fear that I would be consumed by my emotions if I ever just stopped led me to meditation.

Maybe you should take a copy of when things fall apart on your trip.

Love ya.