New thread. It was Record Store Day yesterday and my local store had jimmy eat world playing a live set for about 100 people. it was awesome. they opened with the song "I will steal you back" which wet my eyes a bit. my journey now however is about stealing ME back.
the six month waiting period is over may 5. about three weeks ago, i provided her L with some info to revise our settlement agreement and am waiting for the final papers.
i have not seen or had any communication with W for several months now. i am setting her free. both for her and for me. for the most part the journey has gotten much easier and the waves of emotion are less frequent and less intense. i continue to seek out ways to grow and become more myself...
more authentic as IO would say. all in all, my life and my ability to enjoy it continues to expand and grow. for that i am so very grateful and i feel so very proud of the work i have done to get here.
i have a roommate for awhile... the fiancee of a friend who got a new job here. it has been nice having him here. i also have the opportunity to work on how i come across and handle things in a living situation, which has been helpful. i can see that i am so much more self aware now.
i find that i get overwhelmed at times by somewhat simple things and i do not act in as loving a way as i want to.. i get triggered by requests bc i have a history of being taken advantage of and i tense up instead of being able to sit still and think... i am working on that i am starting to realize how that must have felt for my W.
i go to ny in two weeks to see family... sad thing is that i need to see many of them separately due to emotional cut-offs between my sister and my nieces.. i am fearful that i am doing the same thing with W and her family, distancing due to fear instead of dealing with the feelings..
i brought it up in IC this week and my IC suggested putting a timeframe on when to reevaluate my NC with W's family. I agree with this... i think i need some space for now to get through the last stages of the D... but then i will be ready to push myself to deal with the feelings and see SIL... as for W, i am not going to push myself on that one anytime soon..
when i was little, i wanted to pitch for the yankees or cubs and would practice throwing a rubber ball at a strike zone i had drawn on a basement wall. my best friend and i would go to mets - cubs games and sit with our mitts waiting for foul balls. i am planning to hit both a yankees and mets game with her while i am there and am so excited.. and lucky, bc she had been working on the 32nd floor of one of the world trade center towers on 9/11 and i am blessed that i have this time with her now.
my life is so full of blessings, truly.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Grace, I hope your trip to NYC is amazing. You sound at peace, which is what matters most. Be patient with yourself and don't contact people until you're ready. Take care of yourself.
i have not seen or had any communication with W for several months now. i am setting her free. both for her and for me. for the most part the journey has gotten much easier and the waves of emotion are less frequent and less intense. i continue to seek out ways to grow and become more myself...
Sorry to hear the D is drawing near, but it sounds like you're in a good spot and I'm glad to hear that I thought I had set my W free, but lately I'm realizing I'm still hanging on a bit.
I love your new thread. You sound great and I am glad to see how you are detaching lovingly... I am trying to get there too - lol...
You have no idea how jealous I am of your trip to NY and going to Yankee Stadium and the Mets should be fun too! You deserve this vacation - enjoy every second. Even though there might be some potential for stresses re. your family dynamics, put those great DBing skills of yours to good use with them and take care of yourself!
Can't wait to hear about it when you get back!
((((((NG)))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Thank you Cadet, Val, AS, KG, Bug, 2C and Tori for your encouragement and support. The kindness that emanates from each of you and so many others here truly enriches my life.
Strange, strange week.. I apologize in advance for the long post.
Part 1
The first set of D papers were incorrect on the wording on when we could resell an investment condo. W told me they would be revised as per my understanding of our agreement.
Revised D papers arrived from her L. this week. I flipped immediately to the section on the condo and the wording was even further from our agreement and by doing so would have given her the power to choose to sell the condo at anytime. (Our real agreement was to reach a break-even on money invested in it.)
I called W as we had handled the agreement between us, the L was just to write it up. Her reply.. was that the L said that it was too complicated for her to word and W then said to me that I should sign it the way it was and trust her that she would not force a sale.
My reply was that there was no reason for it not to be written correctly and that I would not sign it until it was corrected. She argued it for a moment and then started to ask me when i could review the rest of it. I said that I was not sure when I could get to it (I have been working unreal hours.)
She seemed angry or upset throughout the conversation and I asked her about it. She started to cry.... and then I fell down the rabbit hole... i waited a moment and then i asked her if this was really what she wanted... she cried for about a minute straight before saying yes. i faltered and we talked about the R for awhile after that.
in the course of the conversation, she told me that i had been mean to her during our break-up and had scared her. she has a history of physical abuse and one night when she was moving out, i think, i took our wedding picture and threw it on the floor (it was not thrown at her, it was thrown directly down at the floor near my own feet. i was about 5 feet from her but it shattered and she said that a sliver of glass hit her leg) she said that she was scared of my anger. she also referenced that i took her paintings down (she is an artist and there were large paintings everywhere in the house) the night she moved out. (honestly i could not stand to see them, it hurt too much.)
i validated and apologized.. and should have stopped there but i also reminded her that nothing like that had ever happened in our 10 years together. (our conflicts up to BD were minimal and there had never been yelling/screaming/name calling, we had never really learned how to argue, tbh) and that all my deepest fears had been triggered (abandonment, feeling not good enough) and that she knows me..
anyhow, nothing much that has not been already said... except her focus on me being mean to her was new..
the next day i struggled with that... and i kept getting stuck in my thoughts on all the "mean" things she had done and said to me after the BD and how dare she only focus on what I did.... but that was just an attempt to not face my own embarrassment and the reality of throwing that picture... to avoid the feelings of sadness that inevitably come up when we have contact...
i ended up sending an email yesterday to apologize for being mean or hurting her in any way without taking it back at all by excusing or explaining. i also told her how this year has been really good for me, that i needed it actually and did not want to go back to who i was before or the old M... that i needed to respect that she did not share my desire to create a new R.
and that i knew that she had done the best she could.
and that is the truth for us and for them. i was ashamed to come here and tell you all about the picture (i am not sure if i have done so before)... and for falling down the rabbit hole yet again.
but i decided that i will not let shame win and stop me from being honest here.
Part 2:
I had met a very interesting and attractive woman a few times, and last time i saw her (she was on a date) it seemed to me that we had a great deal in common.. she likes being active/outdoors, travel and meditation/self growth.
one night this week i sent her a friend request on the alt. she accepted and sent me back a message the next day asking about going together sometime to a meditation center that i had mentioned. we ended up going yesterday and i really enjoyed spending time with her. she knows my sitch and honestly i do not think she is in any way interested in anything more than being friends and we all know i am not ready... but it felt good to make a new friend with common interests... and it felt good to find someone interesting and attractive, it gives me hope for the future.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thank you for being so open and honest... I love how you decided to not give in to feelings of shame. Hey, we all make mistakes, and if your worst one is throwing a picture on the floor, then you are better than many!
But guess what? It's over... It happened what? A year ago or more? You have admitted your mistake and apologized. It's now time to forgive yourself and move on.
I am glad to hear about your new friend. Like you said, perhaps you are not ready for a R and nothing more than a nice friendship will come out of this, but anything that helps lift our spirits, our self-esteem and gives us confidence is huge!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
all in all, my life and my ability to enjoy it continues to expand and grow. for that i am so very grateful and i feel so very proud of the work i have done to get here. 
