The downside is that my mother pretty much is not speaking to me. She still feels hurt by XW and I think she would be happier if I had nothing to do with her anymore. She said that she feels that she is owed an apology from XW at some point....and she continually says that SHE (XW) did all of this and caused a tear in the family.
Remember that listening and validating isn't just for your XW. Try that with your mom too. If she doesn't want to talk for now then give her time and space just like you did with your XW. She needs to sort through her thoughts. She'll hopefully come to realize that your happiness is what is most important to her and if reconciling is what makes you happy then I'm sure she'll accept it.
My mom wouldn't even watch our S the other night when we had a mutual friend in town because she said she doesn't want to do anything that would help XW. My hope is that time will eventually cure all of this....at the moment, it blows - but I am not putting my mother in front of my XW and son. If she opts to hang on to her ill feelings, that is on her.
I am grateful for everyone on this board that has been along with me (WTH has 25 been????). There will be more to come later.
You have really grown, Crimson, I just hope your W has grown as well.
Quote:
but I am not putting my mother in front of my XW and son. If she opts to hang on to her ill feelings, that is on her.
Good job! I was beginning to think you had never heard a word I said. I think I may have told you a long time ago that this can be hard on moms. I have been in those shoes and can identify with how your mother feels. However, as you may recall, I REALLY identified with how your W felt all those years, so take my word for whatever it may be worth....you are doing the right thing. And when your W sees you putting her in her rightful first place, she will come quicker to not harbor any ill feelings toward your folks.....if your mother don't get too ugly. Mother will finally come around, once she realizes that she will lose you and her grandson by trying to make you choose her over W. It will take that old four letter word......t.i.m.e.
Really happy for you and hope with all my heart things will continue to go well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I am finding that it is exceedingly frustrating at times to have gone through this DB process and work on reconciliation with someone that has not. Specifically, the ability to own fault. It's not that she hasn't/isn't but here is the big difference I think I have come to see....
It is much easier to own and identify faults that you discover in yourself...that no one else points out to you. However, it is much more difficult to own a less-than-flattering fault that is being assigned to you by someone else.
Most of my XWs introspection (and don't get me wrong, I am happy about it) is based on her assessing her own faults and addressing them. At times when I even slightly intimate that there are things she should consider there seems to be a lot of push back and denial -- which is exactly what I used to do. A lot.
During some discussions I have had to tell her that seeing my perspective is not the same as saying you AGREE with it.....that took me awhile to understand, and I am not sure if she is there yet. She has asked me about what my fears are with certain issues and then reacted negatively when I tell her.
I know we have ways to go yet, and I know this is a difficult stage -- and I am happy to be here (after a loooong period of trying). I guess I am just venting frustration.
long time no see/hear and here you are IN PIECING!!
Ta Dah!!
If anyone deserves it (and most of us do!) it's you my man. You have worked hard.
But you do need some tools your wife still lacks. You need some help.
We ALL share the same concerns about divorce/marriage counsellors and you are still divorced---
but how will this work out if either or both of you revert?
I'm not terrified YOU will, I'm fearful your wife will think SHE has too much work to do "with you"
and that therefore it's not meant to be. Why not Retrovaille? No one shoves religion down your throat and my h isn't Catholic...
there are even non denominational ones and all that, but not as often.
But go. It will help her see your point of view AND FEEL forgiven
or at least not "like sh1t"...b/c the shame factor hurts marriages a lot.
Too much for most of us if we have pride, and if we have none, that's weird too.
I will check in later but that is my big concern.
SHE lacks the tools you have started to attain (though honestly a workshop would do you both wonders.)
I think you ought to consider attending an individual workshop ALONE so there is no inhibition about sharing fears AND learning to cope with them.
She has her fears too, God knows...
and to reiterate, RETROVAILLE b/c it's for couples who are in crisis or might be soon. You do qualify for that even if all feels good now.
More later...but CONGRATS!
PS your mom is entitled to her opinion and her feelings. So is your w.
You MUST choose your w if it's between them, but that does not give your w room for being a b1tch either. Privately call her on that if need be...DOWN THE ROAD not now..
I don't know all the dynamics, but I would not withdraw from my son...let alone my only grandchild. OTOH, your mom saw you very hurt, & in her view, unjustly.
And I assume she saw a lot less of her grandson. Ouch for her
But she's not the woman who is supposed to be number one in your life.
If you do recommit to your ex w, SHE has to come first...
it's just that I worry SHE has NOT done the deep digging you did and
MAYBE
that she might like seeing herself as being the gracious forgiving woman
a little much.
B/C to tell you the truth, it's not like YOU have no forgiveness work to do. She's behaved very inconsistently towards you at times...for sure. Good luck,
Keep us posted!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Crimson, thank you for posting on your recent news. I am so grateful, I was about to give up on DBing, but since i got into that mindset my own well being has suffered and my state of mind has drifted a little and things at home have gone a little down hill, all in the space of a week or so!.
Reading a recent success story has given me the boost to carry on, and pick up the DBing again, yes I may not be successful but its go to be worth a go right?. I may even start a new thread as if I am back to square one, who knows.
Thank you and best of luck!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
You know, GM, that is a good question. On the one hand, I do - just by virtue of the fact that we are both trying to work on things and move forward after all of the hell we have been through. Yet on the other, she still refers to a lot of things from the past when we talk about where things are going.....hurts, times when she felt like she wasn't being listened to and so on. I really try to fight the urge to take those things on and sometimes I succeed and others I fail. Notwithstanding, I feel that if I was TRULY forgiven these things would take their permanent place in the past. I don't know how much revisiting is necessary. And, to be honest, sometimes her bringing up the past leads me to respond in kind. Not in an "in your face" manner, but I find myself explaining myself and my actions again.
25 - I am open to getting outside help. And I hope she is, too. However, during one of our talks she said "I just want to 'be'. I want to live where who I am, how I am is OK.....and not have prove anything to anyone or always reads books or see counselors". What do I do with that??
Crimson, Forgiven is not forgotten and even though I do agree that the past is the past.. .... it is damn difficult to not let the past creep up and scare you.
Do not let your frustrations cloud your mind that you have not truly been forgiven just because your wife is still scared... or that she is moving at a turtles pace.
We all grown in our own way - in our own time.
You just need to continue to make it safe for her to look in the mirror and inspire her to make the changes she feels like she needs to make when she does.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I think I may have told you a long time ago that this can be hard on moms. I have been in those shoes and can identify with how your mother feels. However, as you may recall, I REALLY identified with how your W felt all those years, so take my word for whatever it may be worth....you are doing the right thing. And when your W sees you putting her in her rightful first place, she will come quicker to not harbor any ill feelings toward your folks.....if your mother don't get too ugly. Mother will finally come around, once she realizes that she will lose you and her grandson by trying to make you choose her over W. It will take that old four letter word......t.i.m.e.
