Keep on, keeping on!

[labug]

I've had similar feelings reb but I'm slowly coming to realize that my H is doing the best he can with the cards he was dealt. He isn't really any different than he ever was, very stoic, non-emotional, as is his family. I just filled in the missing pieces for a long time.

Your H is going to counseling, he's attempting to look inward and repair 2 very important Rs. Don't push it because this is difficult stuff, especially for those who like to deny their emotional side.

I wish you the best.

[PatientMan]

Thanks bug. I think I figured out this morning that I'm disappointed in myself for feeling that fb leash around my neck again. Ive been checking fb now every hour looking for updates or signs of his activity. It was nice to have a break from that torture. I didn't appreciate how nice it was! Now my instinct to monitor and feel monitored is back. I can't unfriend him, it would send the wrong message. Both of our accounts still say 'married' and all of his pics of me and our family are still on his profile with his loving comments from a year ago. Really messes with my head. Thanks for reminder, I ALLOW It to mess with my head so it's my choice to not be affected.

Deactivate Facebook. It's liberating.

-PM

[reb9597]

Pm, I don't want to deactivate my account! :p I enjoy it and seeing my dds goofy messages makes my day. I used to me really unconfident about posting anything but through this last year I've made a lot of new friends and have 'found myself' a bit more.

What I should do is block H so I can't see him & he can't see me, but that's where I think it'd be sending the wrong message for where we are now. If anything, maybe him reactivating his account is a sign of him wanting to rengage with his dds at least. I just have to put up with it I guess.

If things go south then I'll be blocking him but for now I'm being patient woman.

[reb9597]

I've had similar feelings reb but I'm slowly coming to realize that my H is doing the best he can with the cards he was dealt. He isn't really any different than he ever was, very stoic, non-emotional, as is his family. I just filled in the missing pieces for a long time.

Your H is going to counseling, he's attempting to look inward and repair 2 very important Rs. Don't push it because this is difficult stuff, especially for those who like to deny their emotional side.

This is so true for my H too! Strange bit of conversation yesterday at MC, H has just returned from week long road trip with his mother. First weird thing, H says they wouldn't speak for hours. The car ride was 18 hours long each way... poor communication is in the family! Then MC asked if his mom had been dispensing any marital advice. H said no, but she did say one thing - "for his next wife or girlfriend, could he please pick someone that liked her." Ouch! We didn't talk to her for 12 years... this would be another reason why.

So later I was texting H and I asked him:

Me: did you have a chance to have any open conv with your mom about the past? Heal any old wounds? (he had expressed before going on trip he wanted to ask about his paternity, he's never known who his dad is).

H: Not really. Nothing to talk about really. After what she said about 'make sure the next one likes me' I lost interest.

Me: I'm sorry she was insensitive. It's never too late for her to change, it'll just make it more of a challenge to love her as she is.

H: I have more important relationships to concentrate on right now. I'm fine with the status quo for now.

Me: I hear ya. Good night.

^^^ I totally wimped out there and was trying to avoid the whole temperature check, but I think I lost an opportunity for clarification? Should I have asked, "I hope one of those relationships is with me?" Obviously it's with our girls, but he didn't just say 'R with girls more important now'...

I've already mentioned I'm struggling with the open ended questions and just wondering if I could've done something with that opportunity. So I can do better next time. Advice?

[reb9597]

Gripe session!

Alrighty then, major case of the 'it's not fair' tonight!

I wouldn't know or care about H's life if we had a normal separated or divorced arrangement. But I do 100% parenting, kids have only been to his 'room' once and only spend maybe a couple hours with him every 10 days or so. And our kids are older! Can't imagine the stress of having younger kids.

Basically I'm trying to 'co-parent' with him which involves him in making mutual decisions for kids. And he's very participatory when I ask. But at the end of the day - I don't want to co-parent!! I want a father here taking care of his family.

I don't want him to have an opinion about our lives then retreat to his fantasy life, leaving me to dole out the verdict. I don't think he's entitled to an opinion since he hasn't put any time in with the kids in the last year.

It's not fair that he is in a lull at work and saying 'how nice it is to have the afternoons off and relax these next couple weeks' when I'm left with a house to upkeep and landscaping that is quickly becoming overgrown. And then he says he has to go cook dinner for the house, when his own kids hardly ever get a cooked dinner because I'm gone all the time and working my tail off either at my real job or GALing.

And all that brings me back to he needs to get assigned his every other weekend or whatever so I can have a freaking break! But then I feel guilty, because again, my kids are older!

But I can't do anything but get along and go along because why? I'm keeping the road home smooth! Which is easily translated to 'letting him walk all over me, letting him be a pretend parent' tonight! H gets all the credit of providing for his family and our great kids to be proud of while I'm left with everything to take care of.

Feeling sorry for myself again. It's so hard to juggle everything hoping that my family can someday again be whole and I'll get some relief. But either way I have to keep going on my own while his life is relatively a lot easier.

[labug]

What would be different if you were D or legally S?

[reb9597]

I assume is we were legally D or S then he'd have a legal visitation schedule, right? At least the courts would make him be present as a parent. He'd have to provide a place for girls to visit and sleep. He'd actually have to arrange his schedule for once to make his kids a priority. Instead he has a very easy life and easy breezy visitation. And it's not all his fault, dds are equally resistant. But seriously, who would want to give up their easy life? He's on permanent vacation, only has to look after himself. No wonder he doesn't want his family life back!

[reb9597]

I'm done griping. Thanks labug for being there.

It has little to do with H and everything to do with my own guilt from not feeling like I'm doing enough for dds. I'm beginning to build resentment from having to do everything on my own. And (ding ding ding) we briefly touched on this topic last night at MC. MC asked about our dynamic and described how everything went through me in family... he asked how that was for H & he said "easy, I didn't have to think about anything. I'd just ask reb". And I said "and that built resentment in me". And that resentment bit me in the a$$ tonight.

I need to put this on the back burner and let MC lead us through this.

Good: I lost my $hit for only a few hours tonight. This would've turned into a few days or week before. Mostly because, in our old life, H would still be gone, either physically working or non-engaging presence.

I'd still like to know how other co-parents do visitation with older kids that don't care and H that is in a bad habit of not stepping up to the plate.

[labug]

About the visitation schedule, with kids as old as yours, they would probably get to choose. How can you "make" a teen do anything, or anyone else for that matter?

If you would truly like him to spend more time with them and they are willing, you might talk with him and see what he thinks. But don't try to force something that's going to fail just because you feel he's not present enough in their live. Building Rs, or rebuilding Rs is tricky business and you aren't really a party to their R. If they want to build a R, they have to do it, in their own way, in their own time.

What are your Ds doing to help you? Letting go of control sometimes means delegating. It also means letting go of things that you do for others that they could do for themselves or things that you do because you think you should.

Got any of those? That's where resentment is allowed to grow. "Look at everything I've done for you and this is how you repay me!"

[azguy]

H: I have more important relationships to concentrate on right now. I'm fine with the status quo for now.

Me: I hear ya. Good night.

^^^ I totally wimped out there and was trying to avoid the whole temperature check, but I think I lost an opportunity for clarification? Should I have asked, "I hope one of those relationships is with me?" Obviously it's with our girls, but he didn't just say 'R with girls more important now'...

I've already mentioned I'm struggling with the open ended questions and just wondering if I could've done something with that opportunity. So I can do better next time. Advice?

I think this was just fine. It was great that you did NOT ask for clarification. He probably told you all he is comfortable telling you in MC, by saying ha hand't closed the door, and that's a very positive step. I suggest not pushing him.

And, think about it, he could have specifically said he wanted to concentrate on R with Dd's. Instead he left it vague. He may have been oblivious, or may have been trying to hint. At least he didn't take the opportunity to tell you it was only his dd's R he was working on.

If you were VERY quick on your feet you might have replied with something like:
Me: I hear ya. I can see you really putting the effort in [assuming this is true]. How are you feeling about it?

^^ pretty clumsy. but it might be useful to learn something about he is feeling NOT toward you but about his role in family life more generally.

Regarding your feeling resentful. He has wanted to repair R with dd's. You need a break. Could you suggest to him some regular interaction with dd's that would give you some time, allow him to improve his R with them, and make him feel like he was being a better parent? He might take some pride in both the parenting, and in helping you out. It could be a way for you to build some mutual trust.