Then there's the cake eating aspect. I understand how it would be a difficult transition for H to find his role in family again, but he has reverted to old familiarity with dds, assumptions, parenting, that he hasn't earned. Dds think he's full of sh!t and he acts like father of the year. H's learned the steps in therapy he needs to do to earn trust and respect for dds but he's waiting it out, which makes it seem like it's not his priority. Which leads back to, why are we showing up at MC spending time on his parenting when he doesn't apply the lessons? And I don't care anymore. That's a plus, I'm working to not parent his parenting and I truly can let that go.
Why would you want to stay married to someone who is "using you" is "acting like father of the year" when his dd's think he's full of [censored], and is "waiting it out"? You've said you don't care anymore, after all.
Of course, I'm not encouraging you to leave H, but I worry if you take the approach above you also won't get what I think you're looking for: repairing the R in some form (that is, no D).
Are there, perhaps other reasons he might be dragging his feet or not more open to discussing the R? Can you understand what he might be thinking that would make his actions seem reasonable? Try to understand what path he is on, with some concern for his well being. Maybe it'll help with understanding what your goal should be.
MC usually starts out with high hopes and gets very quickly to disappointment with little results, from what I've read. That's not to say it's not working or isn't helpful, but the expectations that it will quickly fix things is probably a trap.
Originally Posted By: reb9597
DB coach recommended last week that I restate my initial said desire to work on M (when MC asked what our goals with therapy were), to stating that I would like to keep heart open to H but I know I can't work on M on my own. And that's what I'm doing. That's where I feel I need the clarity.
Or encouragement or advice?
I like DB's advice. I think you'll need to convey a detached interest to H, to avoid him feeling defensive in any R talk. If you want to probe this a bit, I wonder whether you could ask him what fears he has were he to re-engage in a R? That's a tricky one, because you need to somehow ask it with a sense of curiosity, and not blame or corner him. If it could be part of a broader conversation about directions he wants to go, maybe it could work. You are playing with the danger that he'll feel pressured by any of this.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Most immediately, I need strength to NOT go look at H's ipad. He traded cars with d18 and his car is here for a couple days. d18 drove it today and he left his ipad in the car. Don't want to look. I will find many things that will hurt I'm sure.
MT last week - I had to go there... said that I needed clarification of our direction with therapy. Which leads to, if we were to rebuild a R, what would that look like? I feel so lost about how to reconnect with H and where to start, where would that go? C asked H if he had thought about that & he kinda scoffed & said 'no! He's been mainly focusing on R with dds.' It was amusing... but I restated that I did not want our old R back & would only be interested in building a new one with H.
H did say that he's seen this 'nice' version of me before and that it doesn't last... I tried to validate but don't have clear picture of what he's talking about. Anger? Yes, I had reason to be angry. C offered that I wasn't that approachable in the past & I acknowledged that is true too.
We've been communicating a little more, mostly because d18 is graduating from hs tomorrow! I'm nervous about the many days of contact with H and extended family.
To that note, my dad is arriving today, he lives many states away & rarely visits. H sent a text last night & asked if we had plans for fathers day. I felt sad for him & called... I know he feels like he's walking on egg shells around dds. But also he's not taking any responsibility for it because we've been in therapy now for 2.5 months all geared toward his parenting & he hasn't followed many of the steps to rebuild with dds...
I asked if he was doing anything Sunday and invited him to breakfast with family & my dad. He actually said, 'no, i'm sure your dad doesn't have a very high opinion of me right now'. I just replied 'my dad will be fine with whatever I do'. BUT that felt a little major for me because - this entire last year my H has not vocalized ANYTHING about being wrong, admitting he's been an ass, admitting his actions were at all unkind. So it felt like an actual awareness for him to realize - hey, some people may not think to kindly of me because of my actions. Even at concert last February when he saw my sister & family, he went up & acted like nothing was wrong & hugged them & I thought he had brass balls to act like nothing was wrong.
I offered for him to see girls on father's day (me again doing too much, but I felt sorry for him). He said he hadn't heard anything from them & figured they were busy. I told him it's his day & he can take initiative & make plans for him & girls! That's what I had to do on mother's day! He said on phone that he's been feeling really good about things with girls lately and they've seemed more friendly with him. I validated & asked the magic question we learned in therapy - 'is there anything I can do for you? anything I can do to help?'. He said no but thanks.
So I just need strength to continue with patience and keeping positive changes going. It's been a very stressful week and I've lost it a couple times with kids not helping. But it's just a little bump in the day now, whereas a year ago it would have started a few days of war. And I can mostly be aware & recognize the stress wave as it approaches.
D18 is graduating tonight. I cried all last night, woke up and started crying again. No support anywhere. My dad & grandma & everyone I know is telling me to move on. I feel like such a fool. And I'm angry. My kids and I deserve more than H can give now. But I'm supposed to have PMA for the next couple of days in the hopes H will someday be attracted to me again? Gimme a break.
Congratulations on your D's graduation. What sort of support were you looking for?
I'm supposed to have PMA for the next couple of days in the hopes H will someday be attracted to me again?
Who do you want to be? What are you really angry about? Is it even anger?
You are moving forward, aren't you? These things take time and we don't know what the end-point looks like, that's what really makes us a little crazy. But that's life, we never know what the end-point looks like or where it is.
Hope you were able to enjoy the graduation and celebrate your D's accomplishments.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
reb, it is difficult sometimes to keep the PMA, but it's something you should do. It beats the alternative, that's for sure. I'm still new to this (only three months since my problems really came up) and for the last couple of weeks I've just been smiling, staying on an even keel and not letting what my W says bother me -- even if down inside it does.
Congrats on the graduation!
Me 47 W 44 T 17 years, M 15 years D13, D10 March 2013 -- broke a trust/cheated late May 2013 -- W spoke of separation for first time June 2013 -- began reading DB
H did say that he's seen this 'nice' version of me before and that it doesn't last... I tried to validate but don't have clear picture of what he's talking about. Anger? Yes, I had reason to be angry. C offered that I wasn't that approachable in the past & I acknowledged that is true too.
BLAME
Figure out what you are angry about and learn to let it go
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Who do you want to be? What are you really angry about? Is it even anger?
I was an emotional wreck last week. It's really obvious now. I did better in handling the stress than I used to... but I still have a long ways to go.
I had family visiting, grad parties to throw and attend, and my wedding anniversary all on one weekend. And too much H exposure. Because these are family events we were celebrating together, but with a different definition of family now. And that's unjust, and looking back I was more hurt than angry.
Very glad last week is over. I laid around and recovered yesterday. Today when I got up for work it was literally like I had to thought 'oh, that was bad' re: last week. But the pluses outweigh the minuses, our daughter was well supported and feted and is on her way to living the next stage of her life.
Graduation and party was a success. I was crying a lot, H was very affectionate. Double edged sword, but nice that he was compassionate and I can think of it like that & remove the relationship stuff. I DID display PMA through the week (except when I was crying) around him especially, and I threw a great party & was busy and everyone had tons of fun. And I was proud of my attitude and how everything turned out. I can do this.
During the week from he!!, H had 'trust recovery' talk with d18. It was a milestone and will hopefully aid in repairing their relationship. He still has yet to approach d15.
To that end, H plans on moving out of the frat house and renting his own apartment in our town in the next month or so. That means less $ for me... H texted me today about the adjusted payments he'll be contributing that will start in a week. I won't financially die, but it won't be as easy.
At what point does one usually decide to make things official with a legal separation?
And what should my stance be in supporting H moving to his own place? Do I outwardly support and get excited about him moving out & on his own? Or be reserved in judgement and just say 'if that's what you feel you have to do...'
I think it will help in many ways, H being closer to kids, being more responsible, away from the party atmosphere. He made comments last weekend 'I have to get out of there, it's not good for me'. Approaching self awareness?
But the flip side to that coin is that it makes our situation pretty permanent, when he's signing a year lease. On top of that, the money drainage is going to hit our family hard with d18 going to college. I am realizing that I have actually been living on cloud 9 for the past year with this separation, and it can indeed get worse... but I am at least better emotionally able to handle it now.
