That men and women can go to therapy for a condition (sexual/psychological) and their problems get fixed. Heck we see it on here all the time.
"And what do you mean by inner and outer life?"
A woman who has a rich inner life is one who knows who she is and explores her full potential as a human being - physically, mentally and sexually. The outer life refers to how it's presented outwards - great mother, terrific wife, professional at job or whatever.
A woman who has a strong inner and outer self has strong self-esteem and no hang-ups. It is attainable, but many women (and men) don't reach it because of their own hang ups.
Sounds good. She could have a rich "inner" self, but maintains a low key appearance, so none would be all the wiser except for ones she allows close.
ssmguy I have been reading your posts and I salute you.
I too have found myself to be in a similar situation (but roles reversed). Great marriage, I'm really happy and love the guy. But the sex . . . still absent and, I fear, will always be an issue between us. I don't feel dumping the spouse for another is an answer. Yet I'm not sure how to survive the next 30 years.
You cannot make your wife "Seek to explore her inner self". All you can do is provide a supportive atmosphere, open the door and hope that she will walk through it.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
ssmguy I have been reading your posts and I salute you.
I too have found myself to be in a similar situation (but roles reversed). Great marriage, I'm really happy and love the guy. But the sex . . . still absent and, I fear, will always be an issue between us. I don't feel dumping the spouse for another is an answer. Yet I'm not sure how to survive the next 30 years.
You cannot make your wife "Seek to explore her inner self". All you can do is provide a supportive atmosphere, open the door and hope that she will walk through it.
Your a sexless female. Have you done all the equivilents to the Athol Kay MAP in the female equivilent?
In a previous situation my relationship partner and I were sexless, because I was doing that with someone else. That's the real reason. I didn't want to let this person go, counted on them for some mental support knowing they were there, but that's why we didn't sleep together.
I don't really like to get in the middle of marriages and believe people should do the best they can, single isn't always the best things, a marriage where both people respect and support and love each other is a beautiful thing.
The question you ask yourself, is looking up at 70 years old, do you still want to be sexless. Would you be happy with yourself knowing this was a choice you essentially made by continuing on with the situation?
I don't feel dumping the spouse for another is an answer. Yet I'm not sure how to survive the next 30 years.
You can try gently pushing your marriage in all the other directions that are not divorce. For example, I once asked my wife if she would mind if I had a female friend with benefits. I said I don't even have anybody in mind and was just asking theoretically. But it made the point in a way that's different from just trying to pressure one's spouse into sex. It made my wife think about the fact that I had other options. It also put her in the spot of having to realize that perhaps it's not reasonable to expect your spouse to be celibate just you want to be celibate.
And perhaps, if your spouse is like mine, he might reluctantly prefer your having a FWB than having to put up with a lot of sex.
Another thing, I think, is there are both physical and psychological truths for both men and women to the saying, "use it or lose it" when it comes to sex. Resuming sex with your spouse or someone else after 10 or 20 years might not be the same as resuming it after a 3-month hiatus. I've heard that for some there can be an unexpected "awkwardness". For others there might be the challenge of accepting that a new person could be sexually very different from your old spouse. Or there could be new physical issues like dryness, arousal difficulties, etc., related to years of assuming the opposite sex is generally rejecting of your sexuality. Or just the many hormonal and physical effects of aging. It's not possible to perfectly maintain all of those aspects over the long haul by just having an active imagination and having sex with yourself.
Quote:
You cannot make your wife "Seek to explore her inner self". All you can do is provide a supportive atmosphere, open the door and hope that she will walk through it.
Excellent advice. In retrospect, there's a tendency for the interested spouse to assume too much of the responsibility and blame. I used to run around trying to fix everything my wife said was blocking her sexual desires, only for her to come up with still new reasons. I no longer do that and we have a much more peaceful marriage now.
I get annoyed with the endless little 3-minute talk show segments on "tuning up your love life" by going out to a restaurant, getting a babysitter, helping with the chores. Seriously? If that advice alone worked for everyone there would be no need for therapists.
I don't feel dumping the spouse for another is an answer. Yet I'm not sure how to survive the next 30 years.
You can try gently pushing your marriage in all the other directions that are not divorce. For example, I once asked my wife if she would mind if I had a female friend with benefits. I said I don't even have anybody in mind and was just asking theoretically. But it made the point in a way that's different from just trying to pressure one's spouse into sex. It made my wife think about the fact that I had other options. It also put her in the spot of having to realize that perhaps it's not reasonable to expect your spouse to be celibate just you want to be celibate.
And perhaps, if your spouse is like mine, he might reluctantly prefer your having a FWB than having to put up with a lot of sex.
Another thing, I think, is there are both physical and psychological truths for both men and women to the saying, "use it or lose it" when it comes to sex. Resuming sex with your spouse or someone else after 10 or 20 years might not be the same as resuming it after a 3-month hiatus. I've heard that for some there can be an unexpected "awkwardness". For others there might be the challenge of accepting that a new person could be sexually very different from your old spouse. Or there could be new physical issues like dryness, arousal difficulties, etc., related to years of assuming the opposite sex is generally rejecting of your sexuality. Or just the many hormonal and physical effects of aging. It's not possible to perfectly maintain all of those aspects over the long haul by just having an active imagination and having sex with yourself.
Quote:
You cannot make your wife "Seek to explore her inner self". All you can do is provide a supportive atmosphere, open the door and hope that she will walk through it.
Excellent advice. In retrospect, there's a tendency for the interested spouse to assume too much of the responsibility and blame. I used to run around trying to fix everything my wife said was blocking her sexual desires, only for her to come up with still new reasons. I no longer do that and we have a much more peaceful marriage now.
I get annoyed with the endless little 3-minute talk show segments on "tuning up your love life" by going out to a restaurant, getting a babysitter, helping with the chores. Seriously? If that advice alone worked for everyone there would be no need for therapists.
Well we all know this strategy, may appear logical and make sense but in the reality it does not work very well. It actually makes things worse.
Well we all know this strategy, may appear logical and make sense but in the reality it does not work very well. It actually makes things worse.
Yes, it might, but it's a strategy that you can try in small steps. If it doesn't work or appears to make things worse, it won't be a huge deal like finding out your spouse has been having an affair for the last 5 years.
As for it not working very well, why not try it if it's your last option and the alternative is divorce, cheating, or celibacy for the rest of your life? We're talking about a choice among bad options, so this is no time for complaining about small potential disadvantages.
For that matter, as for not working out well, marriage doesn't usually work out well either. Less than half of marriages last past the 12 year. So given the high probability of a bad outcome, marriage is not recommended in the first place. No marriage, no marriage problems! Problem solved.
"I get annoyed with the endless little 3-minute talk show segments on "tuning up your love life" by going out to a restaurant, getting a babysitter, helping with the chores. Seriously? If that advice alone worked for everyone there would be no need for therapists."
Again, that's in healthy relationships. The sad thing about your sitch is that you never had a chance to experience a healthy relationship before, so you're pessimistic about M, sex and relationships in general.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I get annoyed with the endless little 3-minute talk show segments on "tuning up your love life" by going out to a restaurant, getting a babysitter, helping with the chores. Seriously? If that advice alone worked for everyone there would be no need for therapists."
Again, that's in healthy relationships. The sad thing about your sitch is that you never had a chance to experience a healthy relationship before, so you're pessimistic about M, sex and relationships in general.
The strongest thing we can do is the Athol Kay MAP. MAP like your life depends upon it. Be your best physical presentation, dress and take care of yourself. Take care of your life.
You will also do best by STOP doing some of the things you do to make their life easier. Give them LESS time, LESS attention.
We've spent years, rewarding bad behavior - and a bad balance is the current "homeostasis"... To correct it require discomfort, and there still is no guarantees.
