Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

Hey everyone,

I am here just needing some advice/help pretty badly. I will start from the beginning as much as i can and keep filling in from there. I am lost. I am 41 yrs. old and have been married to my wife just short of 9 years. We have 2 sons ages 7 and 4. My wife made all my dreams come true when we met and married each other. We were truly best friends. I dont think my situation is much differnt than a lot of others here but i am so very confused as to what to think so here goes: It all started just after christmas. We never really fought or argued much but for some reason my wife was very cold and distant after one particular disagreement. I finally told her i felt like i was living with a roomate and that is when she told me how she has been unhappy for the last year. I asked her if she loved me and she replied "yes" i then asked her if she was in love with me and she replied "i dont know" I asked her if ther was someone else and her reply was "absolutely not" I then asked if she wanted a divorce and she said "i am not to that point yet."

But she had been unhappy for almost a year and she asked her doctor if love was something she could get back and he told her "its possible, but it is very hard to do." I told her i had no idea how unhappy she was and i wished she had told me sooner.

The next day when she came home i was sitting alone and told her maybe it was best if i moved out so she could get a handle on things and she said i didnt have to do that and besides, she didnt want the kids going through life being reminded that daddy left over the holidays.

So she started counseling on her own for awhile and after about 2 or 3 ic sessions for her i asked her if we should try marriage counseling and she agreed. We went to M/C 2 times after which she told me she was done. My heart broke into a million pieces and i made all the classic mistakes like begging for another chance and pleading to go to counseling just one more time. She said we can try but she is not willing to put a time frame on anything cause she still had no feelings for me. We went to M/C one more time after which she said again she was done and as of last week, she filed for divorce.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[shouldistillhope]

I welcome everyone's help and advice. I will keep filling in the missing pieces as I go along. This past week I have moved in with my sister and her husband because it just got too uncomfortable staying at our home. Originally my wife said we should both stay here in our house and finish the remodeling until it was ready to go on the market.

She said we could continue to sleep in the same bed, but we have not been intimate since March.

We have been having some conversations lately about what went wrong and she just wants to be independent and live her own life. She has told me I was just too controlling and I now realize that.

Last night she also mentioned that I never really listened to her and I had to win every argument. this is the first time she has really opened up and since I have already read DR and spend a lot of time on this forum, I just sat there and looked into her eyes and actually listened and kept my mouth shut, but I feel it may be too late and want to know if I should keep hoping for our marriage to work.

[shouldistillhope]

I had to go back to our house this past weekend so that W and I could start working on divorce papers. Not an easy thing for me but i was able to stay calm. We are currently fixing up our house to put on the market and i had to spend the whole weekend there with her and the kids. Nice to be with the kids, hard to be with someone who says she has no feelings for you. We have been remodeling our home for the past 7 years and this has caused major stress in our marriage.

[shouldistillhope]

She wants to wait until the boys are out of school to tell them about the D. That will happen at the end of the week. We have already told our parents. She came from a broken home growing up and her Dad remarried and divorced 5 different times. Her mother never remarried, but both of her brothers are also divorced. Why does it seem so easy these days to just give up and get a D?

[shouldistillhope]

When we first met around 12 years ago I was working the night shift and we only saw each other on weekends for the most part. She got pregnant when she was 16 and when we started dating, her son was already 8 years old. She had full custody of him and he only saw his biological dad once a month or so.

So between me working the night shift and her busy raising her son, we never really had much time alone together. I can see now that this started causing a distance between us that proved to be toxic.

[AnotherStander]

We never really fought or argued much but for some reason my wife was very cold and distant after one particular disagreement. I finally told her i felt like i was living with a roomate and that is when she told me how she has been unhappy for the last year.

That is VERY similar to my own sitch. We rarely fought, but my W grew more and more cold and distant in the M. I told her for months before BD that I felt like we were roommates rather than H and W. At BD she also claimed to have been unhappy for quite some time (years). So what you're going through is (unfortunately) not that unusual.

The next day when she came home i was sitting alone and told her maybe it was best if i moved out

Generally we advise the LBS not to move out for several reasons. One is that moving is a big inconvenience, and that inconvenience should be experienced by the WAS, not the LBS. Another is that if there are kids, they don't want to leave their place of comfort (the current home). Another is the LBS needs to step back and let the WAS make ALL decisions regarding separation and divorce. If the WAS felt the LBS was controlling in the M, then any effort the LBS makes to move out or otherwise control things will seem to the WAS like "more of the same" behavior.

We went to M/C 2 times after which she told me she was done.

Yeah, we usually counsel against seeking MC with a WAS because they typically just use it to show how "done" they are. Have you read DR? You need to remove ALL pressure from your WAW. MC is a form of pressure, pressure that she does not want/ need right now.

She said we can try but she is not willing to put a time frame on anything cause she still had no feelings for me.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Read DR. Put it into practice. Read Sandi's 180 DB tips at the top of this forum, LIVE those tips. Give your W time and space. Remove all pressure. It is going to take her months or even years to get her feelings for you back again. This sitch didn't happen overnight and it won't be repaired overnight. Be patient! Good luck.

[shouldistillhope]

Unfortunately, the reason i did move out was because I couldn't afford my house on my income alone. We agreed to 50/50 custody of the kids but i have to be to work before any type of daycare opens in the morning. I moved 30 miles away into my sisters basement for the time being until our house is sold at which point my wife agreed to move to the same town as me so we can share custody of our kids.

[shouldistillhope]

Well, it appears as though W wants to tell the boys this weekend about the D. She asked how we wanted to tell them. I told her it was going to have to be her responsibility to tell them since this is what she wants. I will be there to support them. Seems like all of a sudden this is all going so fast.

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks for the advice AnotherStander. It seems like its hard to find people to talk to at times, and telling our situations to too many people isn't a good thing either.