I do have to take back about H not talking. I put the girls in the shower & told H I was leaving for a bit & to make sure he checks on the girls & gets them ready for bed. He didn't look up one time when I was talking. I said bye & he said nothing. At least I'm not surprised by his actions tonight. I've let them get to me too many times.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Good morning girl! I hope you have a wonderful day today. I thought your letter was amazing and honest. I can see how much you love your H in your words. I'm really glad you shared it and even happier it's a personal excercise and not being sent! I have written a couple of those myself. It's very therapeutic isn't it?
I'm sure with your H saying things in regards to 'baby' like that doesn't make it easier or make you feel safe to tell him it's twins. But here's my thought, why are you "protecting" him from that news? It's causing you stress and worry NOT telling him. Would you feel better if you got it out there and let it go? What fear is at the center of keeping this from him?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Hey RealityTrip! Yes that letter was very therapeutic. My C couldn't believe I wrote it with so much dignity & didn't lash out at her. Here's the thing…I don't want to confront her. I just want her to know what he tells me, I want her to know that he lies to her as well, I want her to know I'm pregnant, I want her to know we still sleep in OUR bed TOGETHER every night, and I want her to know I know about her promotion (she specifically asked H not to tell me & he said he wouldn't).
My H is to blame as much or more than her. He has admitted he approached her. While I do think she is in the wrong as well. She knew he was married with a family at home & still accepted his advances & the eventually "fell in love". I say eventually, but really it was instant. Ugh. I discovered the affair 3 weeks in & they were already discussing beach weddings. Fast forward to mid-January & H wasn't so sure about leaving. He has told me that when he started this whole thing there was no way he was staying around, now he can't just leave & is struggling with what to decide to do. He's torn.
I'll post more about your remarks regarding my feelings for not telling H about the twins in a little while. I'm heading to a morning meeting for work now. Don't you just love starting a Friday off with one of those! Joy! I will say you using the word protect is something I haven't thought about until now. Interesting view. I'll elaborate later.
Have a great morning.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
If I were to write a letter, it would be full of anger...
Well dang in_it, I think you have something there... Looks like I will try that myself.
Thanks
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I've been thinking a lot about what Reality said about "protecting" H. I never saw it that way. The more I think about it, the more I think I'm holding it back to protect myself. I'm scared of his reaction & rejection. Which in turn tells me I'm no where close to where I thought I was mentally. It's hard to admit fear.
I may be strong and take quite a bit, but I'm not where I thought I was.
Back to the drawing board…
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
You are doing great. Everything you do should be about protecting you and making you stronger. If not telling him gives you that, then hold on to it. Hold on knowing it's for yourself and don't let yourself worry about telling him anymore.
I cycle through phases of emotion thinking in one moment "I've got this" then cut to the following day and I feel like I basket case and have forgotten everything I learned. I can remember when I first came to the forum and had one of those emotional cyclones out loud on the forum Needgrace was so calm in pointing out to me that the emotions come in waves. Waves we just have to ride.
It is hard to admit fear. Admitting that our spouses still... after everything they put us through, still have an affect on our emotions is scary. In trying to detach lovingly it gets a little tricky. We are standing for our marriages, trying to put ourseves first, trying to learn and grown from our own shortcomings, be supportive of our crazy (for lack of a better word) spouses, in your case raise children, be pregnant, GAL, be a friend, employee, neighbor, daughter, sibling. We have a lot to deal with as BS's. Every once in a while we HAVE to give ourselves a break!
I hope you are having a wonderful holiday weekend! I'm going to give in to my craving for the bad for me, nitrate filled, oh-so-good grilled hotdog!!! And a slice of pie.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Oh RT, what such nice words. Reading your post to me aloud me to release something. I'm not sure what, but reading your words my emotions let go & silent tears ran down my face for a few minutes. It felt good.
Maybe it was just knowing I'm not alone. Maybe it was the feeling for that split second that I'm not a fool for loving my H. Maybe it was everything that needed to be let go. I'm not sure, but thank you.
The weekend has not been so bad. The girls have had a blast at their grandparents & I think I may be caught up on some much needed sleep.
H held my hand while laying in bed last night watching TV (he initiated). It felt nice. This morning I started to scratch his back when we woke up. He told me not to touch him. WTH? My emotions are everywhere already due to being pregnant, add in the actions of a WAS & I'm going crazy!
Nothing wrong with a slice of pie. I myself had Oreos two days in a row.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
So, I didn't sleep much last night. Spent most of the night tossing & turning with my head spinning.
I think I need a new approach. I read & reread Sandi's 37 over & over. I'm gong to take today to try to get my head straight.
I was doing doing so well not obsessing or even really thinking of at anything until the back scratching thing happened. Instantly my mind went to all those thoughts & mind reading I've worked so hard to put away.
I need to be able to let that stuff slide & move on.
Does anybody have any suggestions or tips on how to do so?
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Hi In_it. Sounds like you caught some WAH "blowback", as the CIA calls it. Your H was affectionate and you took that as a small sign that maybe he was receptive to some mild physical touching, but then he pushed you away again. That had to be upsetting for you.
I guess you've gotten another lesson in why we're supposed to have no expectations at all. But can you think of what the conditions were that led your H to hold your hand? Were you extra nice to him? Did you have a nice convo beforehand? Were you watching a romantic movie? Maybe trying to recreate the conditions will lead him to repeat his actions.
It must be so tough going through this while pregnant. Come to think of it, it's hard to imagine how your H can be so distant right now. I know that when my W was pregnant, I couldn't keep my hands off her, lol! She was adorable when she was pregnant, that cute round tummy was irresistable. That's probably how we ended up with four kids, LOL!!
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
