"Sorry, I was reacting outside the context of the thread. My apologies. Yes, I am a bit sensitive to being preached at, especially by people who think I should simply divorce someone when the sex situation can't be resolved, as if that mattered more than anything else."
Well, I really do believe that sex is part of the overall M experience. It's communication that can't be explained.
"Or by those who claim that if the sex doesn't work, the whole relationship must somehow be dysfunctional,"
I don't think it's dysfunctional. I think to a certain degree your W is, because this is something that's important to you and as a spouse, I think it's important to be giving (to a degree of course) to your needs.
"I'll admit I don't have any recent memory of the kind of sex that's "an expression of love"."
Then I feel sorry for you. There's nothing like getting feeling so "in tune" with someone that the feelings of sex amplify it. I actually really feel sorry for your W because if there's nothing wrong with your W physically, then she's actually stopping herself from experiencing the greatest emotions on earth. There's nothing more intense and meaningful than making yourself vulnerable to another person and letting them explore who you are physically, mentally and emotionally.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't think it's dysfunctional. I think to a certain degree your W is, because this is something that's important to you and as a spouse, I think it's important to be giving (to a degree of course) to your needs.
Having been through the part of our relationship where I had to work harder and harder to generate any interest on her part, I've come to not enjoy that mode of a sexual relationship. So I don't find myself particularly inspired by those TV and magazine relationship experts who say that foreplay starts in the morning and lasts all day, and that if I take out the garbage, take care of the kids, and take my wife out for a nice candlelight dinner, then it's going to result in sex. Well, I've tried all that and it doesn't result in sex, ever. I actually enjoy taking my wife out like that, and we go often. She loves it. But no sex.
But going back a step, I kind of resent the advice that well, at our age, we couldn't possibly expect to be the love rabbits we were when we got married. Excuse me, she had no orgasms then either. But at least she was interested. And why can't we still be like rabbits? I am! So don't tell me I can't possibly expect it.
The problem with settling for someone who just does it for you out of "giving", but not really enjoying it yourself... If you have a high sex drive, it's awfully difficult to convince yourself that you are going to be happy having sex for the rest of your life only with a person who is NOT interested, except just doing it as a chore for you.
Actually, I don't know couples like that make it last. It's bad enough to feel like your sexual desires are going to be an imposition on someone else. Not at all what I call erotic. Far, far, far from it.
"Having been through the part of our relationship where I had to work harder and harder to generate any interest on her part, I've come to not enjoy that mode of a sexual relationship."
That's understandable. It doesn't seem as if she makes an effort.
"So I don't find myself particularly inspired by those TV and magazine relationship experts who say that foreplay starts in the morning and lasts all day, and that if I take out the garbage, take care of the kids, and take my wife out for a nice candlelight dinner, then it's going to result in sex."
I actually know many couples like this. The problem isn't the "couple" it's your W.
"But going back a step, I kind of resent the advice that well, at our age, we couldn't possibly expect to be the love rabbits we were when we got married. Excuse me, she had no orgasms then either. But at least she was interested. And why can't we still be like rabbits?"
There's nothing wrong with that. Again, it's because of your W that your relationship isn't like that.
"I don't know couples like that make it last. It's bad enough to feel like your sexual desires are going to be an imposition on someone else."
I know a number of couples like this. The lower desire partner truly understands how important sex is to the spouse so they accommodate. Once they set their mind into enjoying it, they actually did. But it all comes from that. You will manifest what your mind sets up. Your W doesn't feel like sex is important (even though it is to you), so she doesn't bother with it. Again, it seems pretty selfish. But that's just my opinion.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Good feedback, MrBond. May I call you James? Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Quote:
I know a number of couples like this. The lower desire partner truly understands how important sex is to the spouse so they accommodate. Once they set their mind into enjoying it, they actually did.
Yes, I've heard that many times on talk shows, even from those women themselves. They don't want sex, but once they just go ahead an do it anyway, they find themselves enjoying. Even the Michelle behind this whole website has often called it the "Nike philosophy", namely "just do it". Well, that sure ain't my wife, unfortunately. Except for a couple of "honeymoon years", it's been more a case of her wanting me to finish up reasonably quickly without being too obvious. Just doing it did nothing for her.
It's been kind of depressing to have none of the standard advice work over the years. Yet we somehow get along quite well. I think it's because we've learned to separate this issue from everything else that we appreciate. I no longer see it as a personal thing.
ssmguy. I can relate to the "Separation" of sex and love. In all other respects I have the marriage of my dreams with my husband. WE are truly best friends and enjoy each other's company, support one another in life goals, but when it comes to sex, he gives me a withering look, shuts down and walks away. . . . . I too have done all the "hoop-jumping" around the house, cater to him, boost his esteem, etc. etc. and it never results in any passion.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
ssmguy. I can relate to the "Separation" of sex and love. In all other respects I have the marriage of my dreams with my husband. WE are truly best friends and enjoy each other's company, support one another in life goals, but when it comes to sex, he gives me a withering look, shuts down and walks away. . . . . I too have done all the "hoop-jumping" around the house, cater to him, boost his esteem, etc. etc. and it never results in any passion.
What about the Athol Kay "Sex Rank" system. Is he turned on or interested by anyone in this world? Perhaps you have let yourself go a bit, and you can improve your health, confidence and dress and improve your sex rank and husbands desire will increase.
What about the Athol Kay "Sex Rank" system. Is he turned on or interested by anyone in this world? Perhaps you have let yourself go a bit, and you can improve your health, confidence and dress and improve your sex rank and husbands desire will increase.
Well, chuckle, let me answer that one for my case. Yeah, maybe I should just act like the poorly dressed, goofy college guy she used to get wet about. Due to good fortune, a lot of exercise and good diet, I weight exactly the same now as I did when I was 20. In fact, my wife says I look great. But that doesn't move her sex needle one tiny bit these days.
What you seem to be suggesting is that the problem is just a need for a "minor tune up". Maybe, but I doubt it in our cases. We've already tried all these things.
You might compare it to someone trying to change your sexual orientation and you knew it was something you were expected to do and you have previously like it, for whatever reason. I have to laugh at the thought of a gay man thinking he could get me interested if only he dressed well, did my chores, etc. The ONLY thought I would have in that case is, what excuse can I come up with next without having to reject him outright. That pretty much describes what my wife appears to have been doing.
What about the Athol Kay "Sex Rank" system. Is he turned on or interested by anyone in this world? Perhaps you have let yourself go a bit, and you can improve your health, confidence and dress and improve your sex rank and husbands desire will increase.
Well, chuckle, let me answer that one for my case. Yeah, maybe I should just act like the poorly dressed, goofy college guy she used to get wet about. Due to good fortune, a lot of exercise and good diet, I weight exactly the same now as I did when I was 20. In fact, my wife says I look great. But that doesn't move her sex needle one tiny bit these days.
What you seem to be suggesting is that the problem is just a need for a "minor tune up". Maybe, but I doubt it in our cases. We've already tried all these things.
So she's just not attracted to men?
Originally Posted By: ssmguy
You might compare it to someone trying to change your sexual orientation and you knew it was something you were expected to do and you have previously like it, for whatever reason. I have to laugh at the thought of a gay man thinking he could get me interested if only he dressed well, did my chores, etc. The ONLY thought I would have in that case is, what excuse can I come up with next without having to reject him outright. That pretty much describes what my wife appears to have been doing.
That's pretty funny but directly nails what your attempting to explain.
Do you accepted the sex and affections portion is just dead ended with you? Her panties does not have to be wet, she can decide to start the act with you... That's her decision, she can also choose to pleasure you.
