So sorry about your mom Kee. I wish you had realized that when you have "emotional thirst" you cannot do to a dry well.
Your h lacks basic empathy for you. For him to not show concern is unforgivably callous. Sooooo......
Let's focus for a minute on what you believe YOUR MOTHER would want for you now, from this day forward...
Would your mom tell you to make the most of the time you have here on earth?
I'd bet yes.
Would she say "do what it takes to be happy even if it's new and unfamiliar to you"?
Might she mean Not doing some of the same things you've done in the past, things that got you here? So, You need some new tools and new behaviors and you must begin making
NEW DIFFERENT CHOICES, which you are free to do.
You are free Kee, no one is forcing you to do or not do, anything. So catch yourelf when you see more of the same from yourself...don't go down anymore cheeseless tunnels.
Before today, I asked you to do this small but mandatory exercise before and I have great reasons for asking. So I will ask you once more to do this---and I hope you really will...
Use your imagination to envision, your life without your ex husband, but with you being happy. YOU being fulfilled.
Put details into this vision. A LOT of details...e.g., how are you GAL?
What new hobbies or classes are you taking up? (One is enough to start!)
What clubs/groups or organizations or churches have you joined? (One is enough to start!)
What have you attended or learned about or visited? (Something cool and different is enough to start!)
DETAILS....wishes, dreams...DETAIL THIS VISION of Yours, Kee...
and now,
ask yourself which of these ^^ wonderful things
(things your mom would LOVE for you to do and experience)
can be started NOW? No more delaying your "real life"...this is not a dress rehearsal. This is IT.
This is your life and if it were a play, you need to see you are already in Act II....
how do you want the rest of this show to go? It's YOUR SHOW.
If your life were a novel, ask yourself how you want the rest of this chapter and the next, to go? How will your book end?
WHO IS WRITING THE BOOK OF YOUR LIFE?
Be the author of your life. Write this yourself and accept that the main character is NOT YOUR EX...
You are the main character and he's not in any more chapters...
Begin living your life better. Live your life well. That means taking ALL the focus off of him and putting it all on you.
So no more wondering about him, or questioning WHY he is who he is, or IF he'll ever "wake up"...
no more looking over the shoulder to see if the man who SAYS he probably can't be faithful to you or anyone
and has not been, has miraculously changed.
Trust me, If he changes, he knows how to find you and tell you. He knows b/c you have made it very easy on him. There won't be any "but I missed him changing into a wonderful man who could be perfect for me FINALLY"...that's not going to happen.
If he truly changes, AND wants to be the h you deserve, he will find you. There won't be any more guessing. No more mind games or reading into things...it'll be quite clear.
But he has NOT done so yet and it appears he's honest enough to admit he's NOT likely to ever be faithful to you...so There is nothing for you to do for or with or to or about him, anymore.
Time for you to live your life well.
Life is not long enough as it is Kee...don't waste yours on anything but making a truly good one for yourself.
You deserve to be well treated. You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be loved.
Unless a dramatic miracle happens (Which he'd let you know of!)
he is NOT the man who will treat, respect or love you the way you deserve.
Time to move along now and not waste any more energy on him.
I'm pro marriage here. But not at all costs, plus your marriage ended anyhow.
Like the DB books say, not all marriages can be saved. Yours wasn't saved. But YOU can be saved. You can learn and benefit so that your next marriage is much healthier and happier in part because of this ordeal.
So you won't have those ulcer like stomach aches every time you think he's lying or he's late (again...)
you can have a marriage you KNOW is working and be with a man you know has your back and always will, yet without taking him for granted.
Once you begin to believe you deserve better than this EX of yours gave you, or ever will give you,
you'll have jumped a big hurdle.
Good luck Kee. Again I'm so sorry about your mom.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes you did read that right. I have pretty much concluded from her extreme narcissitic behaviors that she wanted a "wedding" not a "marriage". And I think you are right. She was never 100% sure that she made the right decision to marry. Therefore bolted when she had a chance, flipped all the blame on me to feed her decision and make it seem valid. I still cannot get over how someone could have a 25,000 wedding in which her parents gave her the wedding of her dreams, and then just give up so easy and move on. It is an extremely selfish decision I believe. She has no regards for anyone else's feelings except for herself.
Kee,
When we are dealing with this type of person I do not believe the fog lifts until they themselves recognize that they to had a part in the displacement of the marriage. Unfortunatly we are dealing with spouses that shift ALL the blame to validate thier decisions to run from thier problems. It is seriously a mental issue that only a professional can deal with. There is nothing we can do to change this behavior. It is a pattern and until they realize it......it will continue to happen in thier lives. Sounds crazy, but I am almost okay with her leaving me because I know she is not working on her issues. She will bring the same mentality and the next relationship she is in will not last. I on the other hand have humbled myself, admitted my faults and am seeking help currently to be a better man, father, friend and future husband that appreciated and deserves me for WHO I AM!!!
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
Jaytee, I am slowing recovering as I found out last month he is involved with a OW. I went NC and got an email from him stating that he is trying to move on but does not know if he will ever get over us and it still hurts. He said he missed my family and my kids who loved him. He said he would always love me. Like your ex, he is a runner. He has aplogized for his behavior in the relationship but he has never sought help even when he lost everything including his family, my family, and his friends. Like you, I have humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for my part of the relationship. When we first got together and was going to marry, I brought up my concern of him being born of an affair and having attachment problems. He stated that this was irrelevant but the counselor disagreed. I wish back then that I would have left our relationship as it would have saved a lot of hesrtache. As for us, we know the outcome of their new relationships. All we can do is work on us!
25yearsmlc, I am recovering from the pain but I have begun to make preparation for my new life.I am going to start a grief support group as I am still dealing with many painful things regarding my Mothers death. I have contacted some old friends and am planning on attending my old church home if it is not to painful I have been in limbo for two years since she died and he left. I have been unable to find employment here but was offered a job back in Az where we were. I have a friend thst will let me stay with him until I get on my feet. I havent signed a contract yet. I have awhile to think about it! Kee
Just I am just journaling. I received an email from ex h saying he was not ready for a relationship but thank God he still has time?? Cant say I know what that mean. Said he needed to figure out what direction his life wss going. The email ended with I love you always, h. Have not responded and I will not respond I had basically responded in an earlier email that he was all the way with me or all the way without me. His choice was oblivious so he is all the way without me now. No texting, no emailing, no nothing. Its been a little over a week that I have been NC. I think of him all the time and guess my sub conscious played some tricks on me yesterday. I started ordering a book for him as I had brought him several books when I 9we were together . Most of the books were written by male leaders such as pastor'
This week has been hard because I have some serious decisions I need to make. I worked really hard on a career and x and I moved across state for my career. After my Mom passed, ex ran to another place in this unfamiliar city to rent an efficiency apt. I finished the school year, quit my job and came home. So part of my GAL is trying to make a clear decision regarding going back there and accepoting an already offered job or wait here a little longer to see if anything comes up. Right now I am leaning towards going back. Kee
Just I am just journaling. I received an email from ex h saying he was not ready for a relationship but thank God he still has time?? Cant say I know what that mean.
OH I think you know what it means...he's counting on you waiting for him.
Said he needed to figure out what direction his life wss going. The email ended with I love you always, h. Master manipulator
Have not responded and I will not respond I had basically responded in an earlier email that he was all the way with me or all the way without me. His choice was oblivious so he is all the way without me now. No texting, no emailing, no nothing. Its been a little over a week that I have been NC. I think of him all the time and guess my sub conscious played some tricks on me yesterday. I started ordering a book for him as I had brought him several books when I 9we were together . Most of the books were written by male leaders such as pastor'
I'm glad you are going NC.
As for moving, why wouldn't you go where you have a job lined up and NOT wait in a city in which you don't know anyone?
Is that an excuse to stick around hoping your ex h wakes up and completely changes for no apparent reason?
You have to move on for REAL...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25years, Oh no, I think you misunderstood. The job offer is in a city where I know very few people. I am in our hometown with my Dad and family. I have remained NC. Kee
