A Feral Cat, Puzzling 2

[TSquared2]

Thank you uRw...

I haven't laughed like that (last night) in a LONG time...something broke through, and I will not question it too much...just a flowin' with the positive vibrations, Marley live playlist playing here at work...;)

[TSquared2]

Man..."Run Away" by Bob has some great lyrics...

[uRworthy]

Yeo, T, you just gotta ride it.

Marley's one of the greats~

You are putting me in the mood- for a nice drink with an umbrella in it, a beach and a good book.

[TSquared2]

Just posting for my own reminder and anyone else....

Madelyn Burley-Allen offers these guidelines for empathic listening:

--Be attentive. Be interested. Be alert and not distracted. Create a positive atmosphere through nonverbal behavior.
--Be a sounding board -- allow the speaker to bounce ideas and feelings off you while assuming a nonjudgmental, non-critical manner.
--Don't ask a lot of questions. They can give the impression you are "grilling" the speaker.
--Act like a mirror -- reflect back what you think the speaker is saying and feeling.
--Don't discount the speaker's feelings by using stock phrases like "It's not that bad," or "You'll feel better tomorrow."
--Don't let the speaker "hook" you. This can happen if you get angry or upset, allow yourself to get involved in an argument, or pass judgment on the other person.
--Indicate you are listening by:
----Providing brief, noncommittal acknowledging responses, e.g., "Uh-huh," "I see."
----Giving nonverbal acknowledgements, e.g., head nodding, facial expressions matching the speaker, open and relaxed body expression, eye contact.
----Invitations to say more, e.g., "Tell me about it," "I'd like to hear about that."
--Follow good listening "ground rules:"
Don't interrupt.
Don't change the subject or move in a new direction.
Don't rehearse in your own head.
Don't interrogate.
Don't teach.
Don't give advice.
Do reflect back to the speaker what you understand and how you think the speaker feels.

Have a great weekend all!!

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for taking the time to copy those emphatic listening guidelines. They're really helpful, especially not letting the speaker "hook" you into responding with anger (MLCers are good at that, aren't thet?) and making non-committal responses like uh huh and I see. They sure beat standing there like a deer in the headlights wondering what the hell he's going on about now, and how can I show him that I don't think he's wrong or crazy when I clearly DO!!

Have a great weekend in your garden! Have you composed any music lately?

Linda M

[TSquared2]

I have a song or two in progress, right now the priority is the veggie garden and work...

I have to remind myself of these things like listening skills and such, and review all the mlc docs to keep things fresh and me on goal...

[Takevowsserious]

The listening tips are great, thanks for sharing!

I just wanted to add that sometimes it doesn't matter what you say or don't say, they could still lash out or be angry regardless.

During one of our big talks, H was mad at me and said things like "I don't want you to agree with me" and "I don't need you to show me empathy." He also told me I was being condescending when I was quiet and listened. Go figure.

I am reading and rereading your list though... You can never have too much practice at being a good listener!

Hope the gardening is going well!

[reachingHigher]

Hi T^2!

I wanted to chime in on the appreciation for listening tips. I want to do this more and more in all my R's in my life. That would include being more focused in each moment.

I remember last fall when we were in the thick of it, my H saying he would find it easier if I hated him. It didn't make sense then but it does now. This patient, loving, listening response we cultivate forces them to not blame us for their problems but they hafta look inward and work. And that's hard. This would be easier if we acted badly and they could say we were the problem!

I had sort of a bad night last night and was awake a couple of hours after H fell asleep. And not just b/c of the severe storms. I kept thinking of you, T^2, and how you are excited about your garden and even said "GREAT" about your evening.

There is so much to be excited about our lives and I felt a lot of motivation from the enthusiasm in your posts lately. Thank you ever so much!

rH

[ForeverYoung]

I wanted to chime in on the appreciation for listening tips. I want to do this more and more in all my R's in my life. That would include being more focused in each moment.

The timing of this comment is uncanny for me. This afternoon W and I went to a graduation party together. At one point I couldn't help but notice that when her friend was telling a story, she was giving me noticeably more eye contact and attention than W! I chalked it up to my newly improved listening/validating skills.

I remember last fall when we were in the thick of it, my H saying he would find it easier if I hated him. It didn't make sense then but it does now. This patient, loving, listening response we cultivate forces them to not blame us for their problems but they hafta look inward and work. And that's hard. This would be easier if we acted badly and they could say we were the problem!

Yep. I like to say that it trips them up when instead of returning fire, we show only love. It makes it awfully hard for them to hate or blame us, doesn't it? I know T's known this for a long time.

I kept thinking of you, T^2, and how you are excited about your garden and even said "GREAT" about your evening.

Anyone who can laugh at being sprayed by the cat must be doing something right.

Ya Mon, you're doing great T, you got dis!

[mrtwopointfour]

Hello all, I am still around - just not keeping a thread of my own at the moment, but am reading everyone else's!

This would be easier if we acted badly and they could say we were the problem!

Wonder if this is why when you act loving and caring, which is the opposite to what they find easy, that they start picking fault in everything. My W has been picking on anything tiny and making me aware of it!