What the...?

[lovethehub]

Original thread:


Not sure what to do

I have no idea if I linked this right or not

[jp787]

Perfect!

[jp787]

I never noticed the link button there when you quote! So you can title your link!

You taught me something, thanks!

[lovethehub]

It has been a long few days and I don't even know if I can sum it all up, I will journal as best I can:

I could feel H pulling away & shutting down last week, then we had the fight Thursday night.

Friday

I was shocked when H acted normal at breakfast, a change from past behaviors.

We had a long conversation where I did my best to validate what he was saying but also share some of my concerns. (Blurry, hard to remember exactly how things went at this point)

We talked about D's trip and he said he wasn't trying to be negative he just didn't see how I could plan a vacation. I was calm and explained that I wasn't planning a v, D needed to get there and this was the most cost effective solution. We agreed I would pick her up and stay out there for a few days. He feels that even though it costs more money, what to do with S for 10 days is also an issue. I disagree with the choice but I kept my mouth shut because I truly don't want to go if it will hurt us in the long run.

We talked about my lack of trust. I calmly asked him to try to understand me for a change instead of being upset by me. I shared my feelings on his friendships (EA's, or all were on there way to EA at one point). I told him how I felt about seeing K at field day and said "I am not going to tell you to end the friendship but I will tell you that I am no longer comfortable with it. I hope that you will get to the point that you care enough about my feelings to end it, and if you do, I would like you to let me know"

Unfortunately, in between my telling him how I felt about seeing her at FD, and making that statement, he spit out that OM had been in his restaurant the weekend before and stayed at the bar for a couple of hours. I chose to ignore it at that moment. My bad decisions do not excuse his and I kept my focus on what we were talking about. After I said what I said, I told him I was very sorry that he had to deal with that and have it thrown in his face. I think OM is an "bleep" for not leaving when he found out he was there.

conversation went longer than it should have and there were more tears on my part


Saturday

seemed ok, somewhat distant

Sun

Very distant in the morning, went outside and sat on patio alone and clearly gave me the impression he did not want me to join him. We had baseball and he talked some but was still pulled away and not talking much. I quit talking to him unless he spoke to me and then I was nice but only answered whatever he said.

At S's bedtime he asked who was putting him to bed. I said that's completely up to you and he laughed and smirked at me. I was really upset as him laughing at me has been a huge issue over the years. I told him I wasn't sure what was funny, I just wanted him to have whatever he wanted. He put H to bed and I went to bed while he was up there.

Today

H said he isn't sure that I really want to be in our M because I do things to sabotage it. I asked if he meant recently or in the past and he listed examples that were quite old. I said I understood why he felt that way and that I had never truly wanted out although I knew my actions had said otherwise at some points and I was sorry. I asked if he thought of anything in the last few months to please let me know because it is unknown to me and I want to correct it if there is.

Then he said he doesn't see where things are different and he referenced an incident from a few weeks ago that was very minor. I said it made me nervous that he expects perfection and one little thing seems to send him out the door. He said that's how he felt for years so I said "I understand, I am sorry you felt that way" (I used that more today than any other time in my life!) I said "I don't believe that things will be any different until you get to the point where you are willing to create a new M together. You are here because it makes sense to stay but I still get the feeling that you are expecting all of the changes to come from me. Things won't work that way because we both have changes we need to make. Even if we commit to working on things, I don't believe it will change overnight and, in the meantime, we are just here doing what we have done before. I can only focus on me and what I need to do at this point"

He mentioned me reading 5LL and that it just feels like more of the same, that I am always reading and wanting to try this or that and it doesn't make a difference. I said "I understand...., we both know that follow through is something I lack in most areas of my life and I am trying to work on that. I always have good intentions but I don't always f/thru. I explained the concept of 5LL and said it made a lot of sense to me. I told him mine were qt and pt and I didn't know what he wanted to do with that information but I wanted him to have it.

He said last spring I was spending a lot of time with you and I said "I know, I was very happy last spring". He said "so happy you went back to OM?" (I did not go back to OM, this is his belief) I said that the situation happened exactly as I explained, I wish I could take it back because it was a stupid, thoughtless split second decision. He said he looks in bar parking lot every single time he goes by and he hasn't seen his truck there since so he finds it hard to believe that he just happened to be there. I said I have seen it once or twice but no, he does not hang out there the way he used to and that is clear because his truck isn't there, however,it happened the way I told you and I said I am sorry you do not believe me but I understand why.

Then he said he still had a lot of unresolved feelings with OM and that one of these days if he does see his truck there and he is "in the right frame of mind, or the wrong one, I am going to go in." I said I understand, I would like your ok to send him a text and tell him to stay out of your restaurant. He said no, if he sees him again he will go tell him to leave.

At that point he had enough and took a shower to run errands. When he got out I said "I don't believe I have ever given you the credit you deserve for handling this the way you have. I know it took a lot, thank you"

He said "thanks, and I want you to know you can quit worrying that I am seeing someone. I am not now, nor have I ever. I made that mistake once with someone else, and then having it done me to, I had to make a decision about the kind of person I wanted to be. It would have been easy to do it but I made the decision not to"

[lovethehub]

Things seem okay since our talk on Monday, H was looking at 5LL book and took the quiz in the back. He had 2 7's and 2 6's (WOA, AOS, PT, QT)..is this normal? I guess almost anything I do can fill his love tank!

He has been doing little touches since Monday afternoon, we are getting along great, joking around a lot, continue to have sex, etc..

My brain is now wrapped around one thing...this has happened several times in the past and I always think our R is improving, then months later something will happen and he will say "Yeah, we were getting along better but I didn't feel any different" or "things may have seemed better but they weren't inside" ..something along those lines.

I don't know if it is fear speaking or if he is waiting to feel the sparks he felt when we first met. I believe he has unrealistic expectations about what he will feel and that it is how he will know we should stay together.

I would like to ask him (next week, we just talked Monday) what he means by "deep love" and what he thinks a better M looks/feels like (or something like that), what his expectations are of what he will feel like when things are better. Should I do that or should I just keep working on me and not worry about this? I feel like we are headed down the same path we have traveled for the last few years and I want to go left at the fork this time instead of taking the same old path on the right.

[lovethehub]

^^^^nevermind^^^^

I have been reading a lot of threads and I know I am not in piecing yet. I can't push him or worry about the outcome at this point.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
First I just want to emphasize to you that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Many of us came here expecting quick fixes, but there are none. Rarely does a sitch turn around in less than a year. Most people don't have the patience it takes and quit trying long before things start to turn around. So sit back and take a deep breath and prepare yourself for a lengthy journey. It may seem "unbearable" now, but you're hopefully going to learn a lot about yourself and find patience that you didn't know you had. Good luck!

Yep!

[lovethehub]

Okay, advice please...

I know every situation is different but I read so much great advice I think about applying and then I am not sure it works in my situation.

H dropped the B in Feb, I did pull back but we have always lived together and got along really well even though there was no "us". Then we are "back together" but not necessarily because he can't live w/o me, but because we "have a lot of reasons to stay together"

When I read they won't really get it until they lose you, I feel he didn't lose me after he was a WAH but he lost me before that when I was a WAW. So I am assuming walking away again is a bad idea. However, I feel like we have done this so many times before - he wants a D, we spend some time "apart but together", we get along great, he says nothing is different, we are apart again.

In the last month since we "got back together", I am still working on me but I am not mysterious (bad idea after A), he doesn't see my GAL (he is at work so much), I am reaching out to him through his 4LL's.

How do I know if I am doing too much? Should I still be pulled back some? I really don't know. I just know that he has not said he "wants more/wants to create a new M". He is being great, I don't trust it to last.

We don't even see each other much. He is supposed to be off Sun/Mon but we were away and have to go away again this week so he really hasn't been off yet. The days he works he leaves about 10 and gets home between 8-11p depending on the day.

I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...

[chasingpavements]

My brain is now wrapped around one thing...this has happened several times in the past and I always think our R is improving, then months later something will happen and he will say "Yeah, we were getting along better but I didn't feel any different" or "things may have seemed better but they weren't inside" ..something along those lines.

I don't know if it is fear speaking or if he is waiting to feel the sparks he felt when we first met. I believe he has unrealistic expectations about what he will feel and that it is how he will know we should stay together.

I would like to ask him (next week, we just talked Monday) what he means by "deep love" and what he thinks a better M looks/feels like (or something like that), what his expectations are of what he will feel like when things are better. Should I do that or should I just keep working on me and not worry about this? I feel like we are headed down the same path we have traveled for the last few years and I want to go left at the fork this time instead of taking the same old path on the right.

Hi there, I have just read through your thread, and I seem to be going through those same kind of emotions. A few weeks ago, my H told me *exactly* the same things you are hearing, the "things have changed but not enough and I still feel the same way" and "we were getting along better but I still feel the same way, the feelings just aren't there..", etc.

I'm pretty sure my H is feeling the same way, feeling that he has lost the "spark" we once had. I too, at times, feel like asking my H what "real love" would look and feel like to him. Did you end up asking your H about that?

5LL is a great book. I think it's normal to have so many different LL's, I too had a lot of equal LL's, QT, Gifts, PT.

[lovethehub]

Thanks Highway.

Does anyone have advice on whether I should be pulled back a little or moving forward as if he is committed?

[chasingpavements]

Just based on what you have written above, I would say to pull back a little bit. It seems that he might be overwhelmed, as you have mentioned he is acting distant and a little moody. Probably the more you push him, and the subject, the more he pulls away. My H is doing the same right now. For now, it seems, he might need a break from relationship talk and that sort of thing. Does it seem like he might need a little bit of space?

I would try giving him a bit more space and gradually work back to doing more with him, gauging how he responds to what you are doing. "Lovingly distance" as they all say...Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? I found it to be very helpful.