DBing European style, part 3

[Papa4Life]

Hi again, folks. Here's a link to my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2352938&page=1

Got back a few days ago from my trip to the States. That was great.

Since I've been home, my W has repeatedly (and without any prompting) made it clear she wants to have the D finalized by the end of the summer. It has become apparent now, despite her past denials, that she is indeed puruing a R with the older man at work, her assistant manager. Can't decide what hurts most: the fact itself, the fact that he's 22 years older than my W or the fact that she has been so untruthful to me. I guess it's the whole enchilada that makes it so sad.

Anyway, looks like I'm in for more rough road ahead.

[Fartiltre]

Hi P4L

Welcome back - I do hope the trip was nice!
I have been missing your wise words!


Sorry that you find your sitch developing i this direction but at least it is now out in the open and thereby you know what you are facing. I understand why the enchilada isn’t tasteful but having unconfirmed suspicions isn’t either.

As always I do hope the best for you and the little ones!

F

[Papa4Life]

I really feel gypped: I gave up everything to start a new life together with someone who on countless occasions pulled my face towards hers and told me we were going to stay together forever. I grew up seeing Ds allaround me and I never, ever wanted that to happen to me. I thought I had found someone who shared that commitment to work things out and stay together through thick and thin. I was wrong.

She had some kind of MLC, she took refuge at work from a hectic home life with four kids (including twin toddlers), and suddenly she is assigned a new assistant manager who sees in her a younger, attractive distraction from his own R problems in his own (2nd) M and starts professing his feelings for her. It's flattering, a bit forbidden, and she begins to be taken in by the feeling of freedom and enjoys the escape from her feelings of being unappreciated at home.

Meanwhile I'm so wrapped up in caring for the kids and being jealous of my time to work on my own business that I don't see the signs that my W was pulling away. Again, I suppose I relied to heavily on the dream that we would always be together and focussed too much on a day that was not too far away that the twins would be heading to school and we would be able to work on becoming those same 2 people in a committed relationship that we once were.

I don't blame the OM for our problems, but I despise the b*****d just the same. If it weren't for him, perhaps we could have been working things through all this time. Instead she spent the past few months sneaking around, lying to me, and tearing our family apart. I want my W back.

[Papa4Life]

i think... I know...that the hardest part of DBing has been trying to squash the urge to let my W know how much she means to me and how much I dearly wish to fix our M. backing off the way I have has left me watching from the sidelines as she marches toward a D and perhaps a life with OM. or at least without me.

I believe it when they say that this is your best and only hope of getting your S to reconsider. But the thing is, I'm a feeling man. I'm not inured to the sense of loss and regret and I have trouble compartmentalizing those emotions. and while I still have the urge to fight, many if not most of you would tell me to back off and do nothing. But withdrawing was one of the negative traits that got me into this sitch, and when she couldn't get the respect and admiration she wanted from me (or the expression of admiration, since I've certainly always felt it), she found it from an old guy at work who admitted to having trouble in his own M.

Why am I back at this place again? I thought having a break and a nice vacation to the family back home would steel me for the final stretch of the mad careering towards our D. Instead I miss my W more than ever. When will it end?

sad today...again

[Papa4Life]

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

Still pining...

[Papa4Life]

The last week or so has been torture. I thought heading over for a visit to Florida would help me accept the fact that I'm inevitably, inexorably heading for a divorce (no 'D', let's just come right out and call it what it is). Sadly it just made me miss my W more. Or is it perhaps simply a desire to have someone be kind to me for a change?

I'm gradually coming to the sad conclusion that Monique and I simply aren't right for each other at this point in our lives. I hate to say it, but I don't like this person she's become anymore; always judging me, and looking for reasons to despise me. She avoids any and all OM talk, and I realize now that it's only because she needs to keep on believing that it was my fault all along and that she can't be blamed for doing exactly the thing that she was always so fearful that I would do to her: be unfaithful and leave her for another person.

I long for the day when she can't hurt me anymore, as she's done so often over these past months and years. DB is essentially useless to me now, but I look forward to a day when I'm no longer held sway by her controlling, judgemental, hurtful, deceitful behavior.

Thanks for all the support and kind words and everything everybody, but it's pretty pointless in my sitch to keep dwelling here and fooling myself that my hopes were anything other than completely f---ing misguided.

Good luck in your sitches, but do yourself a favor and prepare for the worst.

[MrBond]

"DB is essentially useless to me now, but I look forward to a day when I'm no longer held sway by her controlling, judgemental, hurtful, deceitful behavior. "

You do understand that you haven't really been DBing right?

Oh well. Good luck to you.

[Fartiltre]

Hi P4L
I hope you will drop by so I leave this with you!

Do not quit – do not throw in the towel!
You have been expecting things to happen – to you, to W and to your sitch. They didn’t happen but this does not mean that you have to give it all up. At the same time you have found out that sitch is different than you expected!
No wonder you are hurting like he.L.

You have been strong, much stronger than me, but you will have to find extra strength within yourselves now and properly again in the future.
You still can save your marriage but you will have to get a hold of yourselves and your feelings if not for M then for your children.

You are almost 5 months in and yet there’s a long way to go!
Remember the patience and all the other stuff you have been writing about in your threads.
Remember the words from VETs?
Remember the path you believed in 1 month ago?
Remember the strong P4L?
Remember the kind words Sandi2 wrote about you advising other people?
Remember how you looked at you, detachment, DBing…it all – just a few weeks ago?

You are acting on feelings! DON’T!
Do recall what you hoped to achieve and do realize that it is not too late?

Your sitch is different than you expected!
What about you?

F

I have prepared for the worst but that doesn’t mean I can’t hope and work for the best!!

[newman7977]

P4L,

There's more to DBing than just saving your M. To me it helped me saved me from the person I have become after the bomb. It re-connected me to the person I once was.

Show your W your strength, that you can move on forward without her. She's in a fantasy she will realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I'm glad you see that you are not an option not a plan B. I'm glad you're not sugar coating the OM he is a roadblock to your M right now...but you have no choice right now but to let her go her path and when she comes back make her work for it.

You can not stop her if she wants a D, give it to her and let her face the reality of her decision.

Good luck keep us posted.

Newman

[Papa4Life]

All of you vets are phonies and hypocrites, especially you, MrBond. You hold up this promise of a solution to what most experts say is the most painful, stressful period in a person's life, and then you criticize them for their actions and hold out hope for them without ever being constructive and offering them any constructive advice. You're like cult leaders, saying "Oh well, if only you had paid for the lessons package that we had offered you for the low, low inteoductory price of X dollars.

But you don't ask for money, do you? No, instead you get off on holding out some imaginary solution to people's problems at thwir weakest moments so you can feel some sick, perverse sense of power. It's appalling. Hope you all reap what you sow because you're all experiencing some perverse thrill in dangling this supposed hope to people who are at their most vulnerabl, you're worse then these con artists who claim to be able to speak to people's dead relatives. They're only in ir for the money. You're after people's adulation and gratitude. Sick.

You've perverted MWD's message of hope and support to feel more personal power and you should feel ashamed of yourselves.

P4L most definitely over and out and btw D busted no thanks to any one of you sick fucks.