Walking Between the Raindrops

[chasingpavements]

Sometimes it is good not having to define the R as it messes up your head and heart. When you and P are ready, then you'll know what to do if you elect to 'define' the status of the R.

Well put Wonka!!

This is where I am at as well. Things are going good so I guess there is no need to 'define' our status.

cheers!
-cp

[25yearsmlc]

WW

sounds great about the aunt title. And it IS fun to be one.

A comment about GAL...I was in the interior of Alaska, and had to GAL or I knew I'd either drink til spring time, or just surrender to the darkness (which was even harder than the insanely cold temperature, for me).

And trust me, my city was NOT a large one. NOW, I live in the Southern Cal area, and there are a TON of free or cheap things to do.

But here are some things I did in Alaska. Imagine having better weather like you do here.

First, I joined a writer's group. I met interesting intelligent people, mostly with interesting things to say. I think YOU like to write. So join one.

Some of what we wrote in our group were things that could be performed, and some of us were asked to read our plays at a huge festival in Anchorage, which also introduced me to other people.

I auditioned for local community theater and I got cast in challenging fun roles. I Met VERY fun people and while rehearsing or performing, NOTHING else distracted me. That helped soo much in NOT obsessing. I mean talk about NOT being able to keep revisiting the issue... no way. For hours I'd be focussed only on what I was doing IN THE MOMENT - and what a gift that living in the moment is...

You can do crew work if you have stage fright, or challenge yourself to get over the stage fright. But there is a ton of theater work to volunteer for in southern California.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Met people who were very needy, and also very grateful for my efforts and that felt useful.

I learned to cross country ski and target shoot, and did some deep sea fishing. Met people I would not normally meet, or even think to meet, which was good for me.

I edited a hunting book, which was very different for me to do. I liked the author so much that my family members have each gone on a hunt for (meat we eat) and while that may not appeal to you, trust me, it's a bucket list item for a lot of people, and it feeds us healthy meat.

I took flying lessons to get my pilot's license and also went skydiving. This was the only activity that costs me much.
(And what a thrill both things were!)

On the other hand, I took a pottery class. That was NOT something I would normally do, but I met some quietly artistic people and one of them became a good friend of mine.

I took a class in Italian cuisine, and a Conversational French class. That made me feel like I was learning to cook some great foods, with interesting cultural aspects, and staying fluent in my parent's native tongue.

I finally joined the Officer's Wives club...and made two life long friends who helped me get thru life in the arctic winters.

I got in great shape. I worked out more than I had in a decade and looked better, especially since I had given birth to our last child. I needed to exercise and my doctor said it was one thing to do that naturally starts up our endorphins.

I used a tanning booth there too. I am not suggesting others do that, but in the absence of sunlight, over time, it was useful for ME to do. Point is, I was open to doing whatever it took to feel at least normal.

I also did stand up comedy. That was very therapeutic. I did a set on "MLC's" and divorce, at the Hollywood Improv and it felt great. (That;s one tape my h won't see).

and now, some years later, I do stand up as an avocation. It definitely got me to meet some VERY Funny people who are creative and very enjoyable to be around. Still do.

I went to church again, and found a place that felt welcoming.

So in sum, I took classes, I joined groups, I learned new things, was very active, and I forced myself to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE even when it was very hard to do.

Logistically, no offense, but you have no excuse since there is no child care to arrange or bad weather to cope with (just traffic! But hey, no worries about a moose in the road or a bear wandering your way...) We all "feel tired" after work. But if all you are going to do is watch TV, then add up your years of life and ask yourself if that is how you want to spend it...

Sometimes inertia is the hardest thing to overcome. But I never once regretted GAL once I was out. I think you'll find the same to be true for you.


I think if you put your mind to it, you know there are MANY things you would like to do that you have let inertia or fatigue or social FEARS (= "discomfort") have kept you from doing.

Most people on their death beds regret things they did NOT do, far more than things they did do.

Don't be one of them


As for partner's and their families....when you are "often involved & expected to attend"

that means you are seen as part of the family! The appropriate response to that is "YAY!!"

Because that's a very very good thing. Never let yourself forget that.

Good luck, sounds as if things are moving forward, but remember that we hardly ever move in linear ways.

There will be backslides and lateral moves, but as long as we are generally moving forward, it's good.

live AND LEARN and CHANGE, as that's called progress.

[25yearsmlc]

PS


Sorry I called you the wrong name, (WW.) I meant you Special!

[specialk]

chasingpavements - Is your name from an adele song? I hope so! Her LL is most definitely physical touch! And before, I had a hard time with that (mainly because my family is so...non-touchy). I am trying to keep up with the small interactions of physical touch and so far they seem to be going positively!

Wonka - I can't WAIT to see my niece! I'm going to visit tomorrow and I'll be there for about a week. A great way to do some GAL with my family and friends. I love love love what you said about not defining our R because it messes up my head and heart. It's true! You get so caught up with titles that you forget it means less than the relationship itself. Will keep your words in mind!

Ruby - Thanks for the suggestion on meetup.com! I'm glad you had some success with it! I took a look at it and found a few that I think I'll join once I get back from my visit back home.

[specialk]

25 - thank you SO much for all your just wrote. I needed to hear it and it actually got me excited about the opportunities that I'm missing out on (and want to take advantage of).

I started a new job this past week, so I'm trying to socialize more! Everyone I've met so far seems super nice.

I've also decided to go back to school this upcoming semester, so I think that will also be a great opportunity for me to meet new people who live in the area.

My goals for the week are GAL (outdoor and not by myself) activities when I go back to Hawaii this week to visit friends and family.

Baby steps, right?

By the way, do you still do stand up now? You have done lots of interesting GAL activities! Thank you for the motivation to do my own!


Journaling:

Going back home tomorrow for a week to visit my sister and family (who are home visiting her)! I'm looking forward to spending time with my family because as I said, I rarely spend time with them anymore (mostly because we all live in different states).


Okay, something really frustrating just happened. One of my friends (who is a mutual friend of the Ex and a lot of our other friends) asked if I still talked to that friend I used to talk to a lot before theEx and I broke up. From this point on, I will refer to my former friend as SS because it will stand for sh.. stirrer.

Anyway, I told her SS and I don't really talk anymore and haven't for over a year now. I said she has texted me a few times and our conversations were usually very brief because I don't want to engage. Part of my 180 is to be more aware of how I interact with people and establish firm boundaries. TheEx always felt insecure about SS and I didn't do enough back then to reassure her, so (for many reasons), I stopped being close friends with SS and really distanced her from my life.


Anyway, so SS was back home and saw this girl I used to be friends with (who also dated theEx way back when). SS and the girl were friends in HS, but not anymore since SS has basically alienated herself from all her Hawaii friends and burned a lot of bridges.

SS knows that this girl and I aren't friends anymore, but she decided to just randomly go up to her when she saw her at a restaurant, make small talk, and then said something like, "Guess who I'm friends with? SpecialK! Yeah, we're really good friends and blah blah blah. And you know who I hate? I hate SpecialK's ex because she's a moocher and SpecialK is just too nice to her and etc."

This was an upsetting conversation to hear about for many reasons.

1) Me and SS haven't really talked in a year since when theEx and I broke up. We've had a couple of brief conversations about nothing, but I pretty much let the conversation die if she reaches out to me. So for her to tell someone who I'm no longer friends with anymore that she and I are friends is just...weird.

2) Complaining about theEx to this girl (who also dated theEx a long time ago -- they are not on bad terms on anything -- and someone who I am not friends with) is not only inappropriate, but makes me look a jerk who is talking bad about theEx behind her back. No no no!

3) Even when SS and I used to be friends, I made it a point NOT to share my own relationship problems with her. So I find it very irritating that she's creating all this unnecessary drama. And if I did share personal information with her, that would make the SS even WORSE because she would have been sharing that stuff with people she's not even friends with anymore. Either way, it's just not right.

I cleared things up with my friend and she said, "Good, I didn't think you guys talked anymore anyway. When (the girl I'm no longer friends with) told me what happened, she was like what the heck is SpecialK telling SS that would make her think that about her? But I told her, no, SS is just crazy and now I know it's true."

I told my friend not to tell this story to theEx because it would just upset her and honestly, I didn't want theEx to get triggered by the story since we have been doing so well lately. I think SS is probably still a trigger for theEx and I didn't want to stir up negative emotions right before I go out of town for a week. Plus, I don't want her to be upset over SS and I being friends because...well, we're not friends.

I know what SS did might seem petty, but I guess what upset me most was that I have worked SO hard this past year to be a better person, a better partner, and really begin to mend what I broke in my relationship. The SS's obnoxious behavior really upset me because I felt like she was trying to make me look bad AND set me back in my relationship like 32483024 steps.

/end rant

[Valeska19]

how are you holding up special k?

[specialk]

Phew!

Since my last post back in August, I've been busy, busy, busy! I really took everyone's advice to heart and I've spent these months working on myself and, in turn, it has improved my relationship.

I made my effort with my friends here, made more effort to connect with my friends back home (regular skype dates, texting, etc.), I made time to write, read, play music, build up my professional portfolio, and best of all--I traveled (with and without theEx).

Even though I was quiet on the boards, I made sure to keep a journal of my progress and setbacks. It forced me to be accountable for my actions. There was a section in DB about measuring progress in small, concrete ways and so I made myself a little journal template to follow where I'd write out my progress in a way that was easy to measure (that was a BIG help for me personally). If something wasn't going well, I'd readjust my behavior/thinking, and try again next week. I continued with weekly therapy sessions.

I listened when my Ex told me about the kind of partner she wanted me to be. I made sure to give her love in her LL. I made sure to never neglect my own needs.

Things overall have been moving in a positive direction for the last couple of months, but then last week we had a talk about our relationship status and made it official--so we're back together again. It doesn't feel much different than not being together (but in a good place), but it does feel good to see her less commitment phobic than how she's been in the last year.

This, however, doesn't mean I'll stop working on myself or the relationship. This is no time for me to be lazy or become complacent! I'm going to keep working on me, working on us.

Just wanted to check in and let everyone know things made a turn for the better.

Hang in there, friends.

[AnotherStander]

Wow, that's FANTASTIC news!! Thanks for checking back in and letting us know!! You've clearly been doing the right things, so keep doing what works

[Mimi00]

Awesome; Keep working hard Special!!!!

[SemperFi00]

wonderful news. congratulations!