Ah, it is 2017 and here I am again. Although this time, it's a bit different.
Since my last post, a lot has happened. TheEx and I got back together for another couple of years since my original posts and then I ended things in 2015. It was not an easy decision, especially after the work I did in the years before, but I was pretty frustrated that it felt like I had changed a lot and theEx hadn't.
The first time we broke up, she swore she was going to move out, find herself, and etc, but never did. And the second time we broke up (although it was my decision to do so), I helped her move out to a place on her own. The problem was that for a while, it seemed like business as usual, just that we were living separately. It didn't seem like either of us were growing or working on ourselves.
I eventually moved out of my old place because it was just too painful. I have dated since our split.
I see theEx from time to time - we are on friendly terms and have been in a push/pull for years where it feels like one person is in and the other isn't. It alternates. Up until about 6 months ago, she was the pursuer and also would get upset if I didn't meet her expectations. I wasn't trying to blow her off then, but trying to set healthy boundaries so we could really work on ourselves (something we didn't do the first time we broke up because she never moved out).
This past week, we met for brunch after not seeing each other for a few months. We still communicate on social media (casually) and are otherwise on good terms, although the content of our conversations have gotten increasingly more and more...mundane.
During brunch, I disclosed some personal information about my family and what I was going through. She was very supportive (as she also knows my family from years together). After brunch, she asked if I wanted to see her new place (plus, she said I could go to the bathroom there). She drove us to her place, she showed me around, and then drove me back to my car. I was surprised and saddened by what I recognized and what I didn't in her new place. She still has some gifts from me displayed prominently and still wears jewelry I gave her (in fact, she was wearing a ring I gave her that day). I pointed out a stuffed animal I didn't recognize to say it was cute and it was awkward as I realized internally that it was probably a gift from someone else.
She drove me back to my car and while we were saying our goodbyes, she told me she had to tell me something. She said she was dating; she was unclear in her language, but after going back and forth, I realized she was saying she was dating someone (and not just starting to date and my guess is probably they've been dating for at least 6 months). She apologized, cried, said she still loved and missed me. The mixed messages were a bit hard to take. I felt kind of stupid for disclosing the information about my family and making myself vulnerable. I told her she didn't have anything to apologize for and that I just wanted her to be happy and that I still loved her. I meant it, although, when I drove home that day I cried.
And now, I had that familiar feeling I did years ago when I first started posting here - my thoughts consumed about her and whether or not it's the end. It's funny - this push and pull. It almost feels like she was doing DB and reached the last stage and now here I am paying attention and wanting her.
I revisited the boards after finding myself being extra sad on social media in hopes that she'd see it and remembering how shortsighted of me it was then and how shortsighted it still is now.
I'm not sure what to do because honestly, I don't know what I want. I know back then, I was determined to better myself, our relationship, and prove to her I could be the partner she wants. And now, some 4 years later, I'm at a loss and feeling lost in it. I believe wholeheartedly that our paths were meant to cross and that we are meant to be important people in each other's lives. It feels like we're supposed to be more than just friends...but who knows?
Anyway, just wanted to say and help! Please <333333
