let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

What happened over the weekend?

Well, Friday ended much better than it started. I had to meet my boys and W before school to hand off stuff my oldest needed. See, on Thursday, I stopped by the house after work to see the boys and W was home. I talked to her for a bit and explained how much I was missing the boys and how I really would appreciate when she will be out late so I can be with them. I don't think she wants to let me know, because maybe she is with OM.

My W had told me on Thursday that the oldest needed track pants and black shoes, she wasn't going to have time to stop and she was out of money until Friday, so I agreed and said that I could drop stuff off on Friday. It seemed like he wasn't going to need these items until Friday night.

I went out, got the stuff and called W. She said that my youngest was home and I could drop it off that night, i said that I would do it in the AM. Well, Friday AM, my oldest is calling me asking when I will be at the house, he needed the stuff for school.

I let my anger get the better of me when I learned that W was out late with "friends" which later I learned included OM. When I met up with them, I was snappy and mentioned that I had just asked the night before if she would let me know when she wasn't going to be home. My youngest was working on a project all night and lost it when the computer rebooted and I was so upset that I wasn't there for him. She left upset and I later texted her that i was sorry for my anger and explained that I lost it because I miss the boys and that I really need to see them more, and said that I hope we could work that out and that i hope she understood.

She never responded to the text. I went to the house around 6:45 to meet W and youngest to go to the football game. We were both a bit on guard and I told her that I knew she was with OM the night before and said that I really don't care who she is friends with, but when she lies about who she is with she is the one making it an issue out of it.

We went to the game together, but there was so much lightning that they postponed the game for an hour then rescheduled to the next day. After we got home form ice cream, W and I want to the bedroom and made some small talk while I went through books in my bookshelf and piled up some to take. I mentioned how it is gonna take me a long time to get all my stuff out of there. She agreed and we kept talking. At one point, someone sent me a message and she handed me my phone. I just set it down and lamented that now that I'm on board with social networking, my phone is always alerting me.

When I was leaving we were talking about me taking the boys on Monday. I got the feeling that she was trying to get me to take them Saturday night to Sunday, and that made me wonder if she wanted OM time. I reminded her that I had plans on Sunday, and explained that I was attending a divorce/separation support group, which she seemed a bit surprised.

I went home feeling good and journaled. I believe I had gained some ground on Friday, I definitely didn't think there were any setbacks, and I had PMA all night.

[KindaHappy1]

Saturday, I wasn't feeling as good. I was going to be all alone, so I decided to go see a movie. Reminder to myself, next time I am down, I should see a funny movie, not a zombie flick! I got through the night and went to bed early.

Sunday I still felt down, but I was hopeful that I was going to get something positive from the divorce support group in the afternoon.
I spent the morning reading a The Journey From Abandonment to Healing and I wrote in my journal and did some exercises from the book and that honestly helped me quite a bit.

I went to the support group and had a good experience. I heard many other situations and I got to tell mine, which was refreshing. The guy who ran the group is a lawyer and I got some good advice from him. On the way home, I tried calling my boys to see if they needed me to stop by the house to let the dogs out and to feed them. The boys didn't answer, so I called W instead.

She said the dogs were fine, and started asking when i would pick up the boys in the AM. My mind went to here and OM. I told her it depended on what the boys wanted, if the wanted to sleep in, that was ok, or I could get them early. She started asking the boys and I told her that I was driving, and I really couldn't talk and said I would call back and hung up. I never called back, not necessarily on purpose, the night just kinda got away from me before I realized it was late, so I let it be.

[KindaHappy1]

Now Sunday, things got interesting. I got to the house after 9 and I brought egg sandwiches for everyone, our family's quick breakfast item. I didn't wake my W, but my youngest did to ask if dogs were fed. W came down and I offered her a sandwich. We made some small talk, but things progressed.

I told her a bit about the support group and told her that I learned that I could come by and see the boys any time I wanted. She said that the separation agreement I proposed said that I wouldn't come by unannounced. I told her that it wasn't signed and that we never discussed it since I gave it to her, so it doesn't really matter what it said.

We weren't fighting, but we really weren't getting along. I pressed her about things when I know I shouldn't have, but the crazy thing is, I think by me acting tough and her having it in her head that I am ok with divorce, she was puzzled. She brought up a text I got on friday when she handed me my phone. She said that it was someone calling me their sexy gem. It totally wasn't waht she thought, it was someones user name on a meetup group that posted something to a group I am in and my phone displayed it.

I told her that I wasn't ready to be in another relationship, and that if I was to be in one now, it would just be a rebound, and I wouldn't do that to someone. I told her that i didn't force her to marry me, and I wasn't going to force her to stay married if she didn't want it.

At some point, I explained that so many of the people at the support group and horrible marriages and big problems. I explained that I thought our main problem was communication, which she seemed to agree. I brought up Retrouvaille and she asked a bit about it and when the next one is and said maybe we should go, maybe it would be good. I told her I would send her info on it and that if she really would be willing to try and do what they tell us to do on the weekend, that I would go.

She agreed, but I am afraid that she wont try, so I told her to check out the website first. I am kinda kicking myself for not just agreeing, but I don't want this not to work, and if she is still with OM, if there is a EA or PA, i don't think the time would be right. We have another week to decide, so I will wait and see. There is always the next weekend, or the next...

I took the boys out, and had a great time. She let me stay for dinner and we may get together next Sunday to do the same.

She does see that I am GAL and I think she is happy to see that. I really was pretty boring and didn't go out. Now I am signing up for runs and going to concerts and meeting up with meetup groups for movies, so who knows what the future holds. I am feeling better about myself than I have in a while.

I now see that this was really a blessing in disguise. I'm not sure I would have ever started making the changes I have if the R was chugging along like it was for the past 20 years and I know I wasn't truly happy. I wasn't enjoying being a dad like I am now. I hope that there is a way we can get thought this together, but I know that no matter what happens I'll be good. I am feeling like my life is more fulfilling than it has been in a while.

[AnotherStander]

I am kinda kicking myself for not just agreeing, but I don't want this not to work, and if she is still with OM, if there is a EA or PA, i don't think the time would be right.

The one and only requirement RetroV has for participants is that they not be involved in an affair. If I remember right they called each of us separately to confirm that there was no OP. If your W is involved in an A and tells them that she is, then I don't think they'll sign you up.

[KindaHappy1]

Thanks AS.

I really don't know what to think anymore. I know that this OM is a "friend" and I think there was some EA/ heavy flirtation. I have abandonment issues that cause me to have trust issues too, so do I trust my gut? One thing that I don't want to go back to is spying. I'd rather be lied to.

I saw her this morning. I had to drop off some cash for her and she was looking at in a way I haven't seen in a long time, I won't say it was a look of love, but it was a look of interest at the very least. I loved her looking at me like that.

I feel so weak right now. Good thing is I have plans this whole weekend, so once I am distracted with some distance, I think I'll be feeling stronger.

[KindaHappy1]

OK, just got the confirmation from my W that she wants to try RetroV, and that she is really willing to try, AND she understand how long of a day Saturday is, so I guess we will see how the phone calls that AnotherStander mentioned work out...

My W is having dinner with her dad, she really wouldn't say what is up, but I imagine she will be talking to him about money and our separation. I should know more tonight.

[Positivespin]

Good luck..........This is a good step.

At this point if she confesses to you are you able to forgive???

I ask ONLY because I want you rehearsed in every way poss. Shock, for me, causes me to do stupid things so I try to think a few steps ahead........a bit of pain now is alot better then messing up a potential R opportunity.

I felt the same weak as you do.....just keep moving foward with a PMA and know your tired before you respond or act

[AnotherStander]

OK, just got the confirmation from my W that she wants to try RetroV, and that she is really willing to try, AND she understand how long of a day Saturday is, so I guess we will see how the phone calls that AnotherStander mentioned work out...

If she's in an EA and she's like 99.9% of WAS's then she doesn't consider it an affair, so it won't be an issue.

You'll start Friday evening and it will be a late night. Saturday is definitely a full day, but be ready because Sunday is packed too! It'll go by fast, but it is emotionally draining. You'll be exhausted by the end of it. Regardless of what happens in your M you will learn a ton about communication that you can apply not just to love interests, but to your kids, coworkers, friends, etc. But make no mistake, the focus is on saving marriages. It's a great experience.

[KindaHappy1]

Ya know PS, you asked a really good question.

If she confesses can I forgive?

Right now, whatever she is doing with OM, in my eyes is forgivable if she is asking for forgiveness and I believe she is sincere. I think I would be shocked if she confessed just because it would mean she wasn't lying to me.

The BIG issue to me is the lying. There are so many inconsistencies and when I call her on them, she always has a quick response that really doesn't make sense. Take for instance last night. She told me she was going to her Dad's to "talk" and suggested I hang with our boys. I did and had a great night.

When she came home and I could smell alcohol on her breath. I mentioned it and she told me that she had a drink at her dad's, and that it was vodka... and tonic. Now, I've known this family for about 25 years. Not once has my wife had a drink over there, and I know her dad doesn't drink. It just doesn't make sense. Even if he had vodka, why on earth would he have tonic that would still be good? I believe it is a lie, but why argue with a liar when she is just going to try and cover one lie with another. It makes me wonder who can live a life like that, where there is always a lie, always something that could unravel or become exposed. Is that part of the thrill for her, feeling like she is so clever that she is getting away with whatever it is she is doing?

And this is my big conundrum.
IF she is lying to me, and I no longer believe or trust what she says, then what is left? I am at the point where I feel like it is all too much, and I am wondering why I am willing to keep working on things and going to retroV. I am all about LOVE and I know that being loving in my actions and decisions, while GAL and being a bit dark seem to have made her look my direction from the fence she is sitting on.

I think retroV will be our last hope, at least for a while and I think she will do something to make it not happen between now and then. Right now, I have our registration ready to go, but I need confirmation that she doesn't have any work conflicts. I am not calling her or texting her again to find out, and it is all I can think about.

[KindaHappy1]

Thanks AS,
The registration and check are in the mail. 3 weeks to go, and the plan is to stay dark as far as I can with W, keep on GAL (My weekend is full! I had to turn down breakfast with the family due to prior plans!)

And I am going to continue to be a great Dad to my boys. I was so moved talking to my oldest two sons about their homework last night. It was one of the best experiences I have had in quite some time. They had an assignment asking them if the believed in a supreme being, what they think will happen after death, if everybody has a purpose, what their top 3 values are and a few other questions in the same vein. I LOVED talking to them about that stuff and learning their beliefs and thought on those matters, and pushing them to think a bit deeper on the subject.