let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

My oldest asked me for a ride to his practice yesterday afternoon, so I swung by the house and got to see all my boys for a bit. Unsolicited they started telling me how much W has had to work late and how she had to go out at 10pm for work the other night. I just said how weird it was that she had to be working late so much.

Then last night, I wanted to find out if she was home and if not where she was, but then I realized that it didn't matter. If she was out and I found her somewhere that I preferred she wasn't at or with people that I prefer she wasn't with, well, then what?

I'm quite sure I would get upset. I may have gotten into an argument with her, or confronted her, and how would that help me? It wouldn't, it would only hurt me and cause backsliding.

So I stayed put and investigated places that I could take my boys on the days I have them. I then spent some time writting in my journal, reviewing the 180 list and reading this thread about what women find attractive. It's a good read for LBH http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2057224#Post2057224

I can see how unattractive I became, I really wasn't any fun and that made OM so much more attractive than me, especially when you consider any petty arguments just pushed my W further away. If I had known then what I know now... But now that I do know, I can become more attractive.

I want to work on becoming more fun and funnier. Guess I'll see if there are any good books on that.

[KindaHappy1]

I don't know if I made the right move last night or not. I had plans to go see a movie, but that wasn't going to be until later, so I texted W saying that I wanted to stop by after work to see the boys, and she invited me to stay for pizza and a movie. I mentioned that I had plans but that I could be easily swayed to change them, and she responded back, ok, maybe next time.

I had to talk to her for work so I mentioned that I was joking in my text and that I was grateful for the invitation and would love to see the boys. So I went after work, and hung out until W got home. We went out to buy some drinks and got along great, like good friends... is this where I want to be, a friend?

We talked a bit about retrouvaille, and I told her all I knew about it and mentioned the follow up sessions. She acted like she knew most of what I was saying and said she read up on it too, which I have a hard time believing. It does see like she is totally on board to giving it a try, so who knows. At the very least, I will be able to learn some communication skills which I know I will benefit from.

we watched the movie. W and I sat next to each other with distance between us. We had a good time watching the movie as a family. Afterwards, she said she wanted to work on a policy that her boss said needed to be done by the next day, so she went to work on that while I hung out with my boys,watching them play games.

After a while, I got up and went out on the deck and watched the sky, I drifted off a bit and woke to hear W coming out. She sat down and asked me what I was doing, I told her I was just watching the stars. she sat for a few minutes, the said she wanted to finish her work because she was almost done. I took that as a sign to get going. I watched the boys play a bit more, then said my good byes and left.

I am getting ready to head out to a concert fest today which will be a nice change for me. The weekend don't seem as fun as they used too...

[AnotherStander]

Then last night, I wanted to find out if she was home and if not where she was, but then I realized that it didn't matter. If she was out and I found her somewhere that I preferred she wasn't at or with people that I prefer she wasn't with, well, then what?

I'm quite sure I would get upset. I may have gotten into an argument with her, or confronted her, and how would that help me? It wouldn't, it would only hurt me and cause backsliding.

So I stayed put and investigated places that I could take my boys on the days I have them. I then spent some time writting in my journal, reviewing the 180 list and reading this thread about what women find attractive. It's a good read for LBH http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2057224#Post2057224

I can see how unattractive I became, I really wasn't any fun and that made OM so much more attractive than me, especially when you consider any petty arguments just pushed my W further away. If I had known then what I know now... But now that I do know, I can become more attractive.

I want to work on becoming more fun and funnier. Guess I'll see if there are any good books on that.

^^^That's all really great stuff, good job!! You wanted to snoop, but you checked yourself before you did, and you reflected on what YOU can do to become a better person. That's great DB'ing, and shows real growth on your part.

I don't know if I made the right move last night or not.

I think you did fine. DB'ing says not to accept EVERY offer, but accepting one now and then is OK.

The weekend don't seem as fun as they used too...

Your sitch is still very young, just hang in there and keep up your GAL, you'll find the joy again

[Positivespin]

Nice work!

At 3 months in your doing well trying to develop your new path. Make sure you are not going to the house on a Friday with hopes of getting the invite to stay later. Next time try leaving when the movie ends - before she left to work.

[KindaHappy1]

I met up with an old friend this weekend and it was very therapeutic for me. We were friends in high school, and then after I got married, I kind of put the friendship on hiatus. I know that this was one of my issues, loosing my individual identity in the marriage. I did it in the beginning so she wouldn't be upset. In the end, I think I was just too boring and just not that fun.

My friend has been through quite a bit. He is on his second marriage and has been in therapy for a few years. I didn't really get into DB with him, but his suggestion was doing a big 180 and filing for divorce. I explained that I wanted to wait and try Retrouvaille, which he respected, but said I should at least see a lawyer to be prepared if things don't get any better form the weekend.

My marriage is dead. I can see that now, and I can see that all my hopes are just dreams. W is so done with me as a spouse. I questioned whether we should even go to retroV. I did talk to the W about it, and told her that I really don't think we should go if we both aren't willing to try. She said that she thinks we should go and that we have nothing to loose.

I'm not going to let that get my hopes up. I am just going to see what happens, and if the weekend doesn't help, and we aren't both on board to the follow up sessions, I will try to see that it is time to give up on reconciliation and move on. I can't live in this limbo for very long. I don't know how some of you who have been doing this for over a year can cope.

I am so happy that I have reconnected with this guy. I hope that this will be a big change and will help reboot my social life.

[Positivespin]

So how did this old friend get you to see that the grass was greener...........

I'd be interested to hear of the conversations you had and the advice he shared. So you get all lawyered up and file. How does that look to you? What will her response to those actions be?

Does you buddy have kids from M1 ? How are they doing with m2. How's their relationship with the stepmom?

Filing and getting the d is quick and easy....look at your entire chessboard and tell me what comes next"...................

[KindaHappy1]

My old friend helped me see that I have been unhappy and not getting what I wanted out of the marriage for a long time. I never really felt the love that I wanted and looking back I could see how selfish she has been for years. She is an expert liar and looking back, I have no idea how long she has been lying to me, it could be a few months or maybe she has always lied. Either way, I don't deserve that.

Buddy does not have kids from the first M. That ended 1.5 years in when she left for OM, very similar to my R, except I stuck around and gave her another chance when things fizzled with her affair. I wish I hadn't, but then I wouldn't have my boys, who are awesome, so maybe I wouldn't redo things differently.

The chess board is much more complicated since my last post. I caught soon to be ex and OM at a public park, confronted them. She acted like a spoiled little kid, said her lawyer said it was ok that she sees OM. I asked how long it has been going on, she said she didn't need to tell me. He called the police while soon to be ex and I were talking.

when he came back, I told him he was an [censored] for messing with a married woman, she jumped in between and held me back stating that she was the [censored], I agreed, started walking away, she followed and i stated asking why she agreed to RetroV, explaining that the deposit was now lost. She said it was so we could communicate better for the kids sake. I explained that the reason we were going was to see if we could save the M.

With that the police showed up, she said that I pushed her, they talked her out of filing charges and let me go. i went back to the house to see the boys, she came home and called the police and pressed charges. I spent the night in a cell, but the police were very cool about it. they said that it happens all the time with women who are cheating and gave me advice about fighting the charges.

She was at my bond hearing the next day and dropped the charges, but filed a order of protection stating that I can't go back to the house for the next 7 months and i can only contact her by email or text or phone and only in regards to visitation times, drop off and pick up, and, get this, work related matters... like I'm gonna give this witch any more business!

She did text me 2 days later to tell me that I could go to my sons performance, but "we sit appart" I ignored it and she texted back 2 hours latter with a "Just let me know" which I also ignored. I went to the game with my parents and of course she ended up coming an sitting in the same section i was in. I have no idea if she saw me.

I did find out that my father in law was very pissed that she had me arrested. She lied about seeing him last week, AND asked him to lie to me about it, so he totally knows that she is up to no good, and isn't willing to help her out at all with the divorce, so that makes me feel a bit better, knowing that her own dad is on my side, as much as he can be.

I am just sick of being treated this way and I am moving on. The night I spent in jail, knowing that she lied about me pushing her finally made me realize how evil she is and how done with her I am. I am hurting and feeling very lonely and alone. My family tells me to forget about her and move on, which I wish I could do, but I think it will take some time to heal, and I should probably find a therapist to help me out here.

I probably won't be posting her anymore seeing how I am not planning on ever getting back with her. I think it is for the bast that it is over. I don't want to ever be with someone so evil and manipulating ever again. It kills me that my boys believe that I touched her, and I can only imagine what other lies she has told them. Part of me feels like just curling up and dying, but that would make it too easy for her and I have so much more love to give, once i find someone deserving of it.

Thanks for everyone who tried to help me out along the way. My marriage was doomed from the start. I wish you all well and I hope that you have the strength and courage to fight the demons in your own lives.