Things are changing

[needgrace]

Hi DBers,

My thread name is the title of my new favorite song from Gary Clark Jr.

Plus it fits. My D papers were signed at the beginning of July and approved by the courts on August 8th. I started dating someone in July and that is going really well...

However, I am surprised by how much anger is coming up recently about my X. It feels bigger than before the D and I am not sure why... I thought that when I started dating and was happy about it, it would help me forgive, which has always been my goal. Is that true for anyone else?

Perhaps I need to go back to doing some more forgiveness and lovingkindness meditations... I wonder if/why I may be scared/reluctant to let go of the anger... is it bc once it is gone, my connection to X is totally gone? or that now that I have let go of hope, I am free to be angry?

I would understand it better if I weren't dating and enjoying it... but I am. Although sometimes I am frustrated by the fears that come up while dating now, related to BD... perhaps that is the anger.. that BD still impacts me, even as I move on with someone new.

Just wondering if anyone else had experienced this and had any thoughts about it.. Also, what anyone has done to help manage the fears in dating...

Thank you dear friends.

[kml]

I wonder if/why I may be scared/reluctant to let go of the anger... is it bc once it is gone, my connection to X is totally gone? or that now that I have let go of hope, I am free to be angry?

Hmmmm.....could be either of these. Or could be that getting close to new guy is stirring up feelings of vulnerability? After all, if you don't let yourself get too close to someone, then they can't hurt you like ex did.

[needgrace]

Thanks KML.

Yes I think that being vulnerable with someone new (new girl, not guy lol) opened up some feelings. I am trying to go under the anger and find myself surprised how much pain is still there. Maybe the healing happens in stages and I think you are right that being vulnerable is triggering this one.. Thank you.

[Valeska19]

NG,
First - I'm so glad that things are going well with new girl!

Second - I went through an angry phase right after I signed my papers so I think it's natural.

I also think anger can be triggered by almost anything. I found myself easily forgiving my X until we started having contact. Then I found it d@mn near impossible.

I also find myself getting angry at X when other women treat me "better". Better is such a perspective though.. things are always easier when they are new.

Whatever the reasons for the triggers, you just have to acknowledge them and work through them. Be honest with the person that you are dating that you are having them. There is a way to communicate it where she doesn't get hurt and you don't look like an A$$ for not having your sh!t together yet. (I learned that recently with new friend).

You are doing just fine darling. Forgiveness will come in waves. Give yourself some grace and keep moving forward.

((( )))

[labug]

I agree^^^

IC and I had a talk about triggers just yesterday after my almost meltdown. Her advice was that I know triggers will come so it's my job when I feel that rush of emotion to stop and hold space.

It's soooo good to get an update. I've been thinking about you lots.

[needgrace]

Thanks Val.. you are right about the waves.
and thank you Bug... you are right about the space..
i started doing forgiveness meditations almost daily and creating more space for awareness when i am triggered..
i think my anger meant that there is pain and sadness there that i had been avoiding... and when i allowed myself to be okay with the fact that it was not going to disappear totally even though i am dating again, it seemed to dissolve the anger...
it is like grief... it will probably always hurt a bit, how things ended .. but i am okay
and will be able to love again..
and be loved.
i believe that completely now.
i also believe that i will be ok no matter what... i have fears that come up with dating someone... trust, vulnerability, etc... but i also ultimately know now that I will be okay... that is the gift that these past 2 years gave to me.