Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[MyNewStrength]

Yes Wonka, The mortgage is in his name only. However, the property is jointly titled.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you AS, Wonka and JonF for your input. I revised my note and here it is:

Thank you for your email. I am sorry that you feel disappointed.

I appreciate you letting me know that you'll be contacting the utilities to cancel them and I'll follow up with them to transfer them to my name. I will not be making any rash decisions about my future. All of this is a lot for me to deal with and I need time to process it all, I hope you understand and can be accommodating. I am going to take my time to research my choices. I would like to get a PSA in place by the holidays. There are still components of the PSA that we need to discuss to make it all fair and equitable.

In regard to the cost sharing of the mortgage, what did you have in mind?

Before picking up any items from the house, I would ask that you please write up a list of items that you want for the apartment and send it to me. We both need to come to an agreement on this point to ensure that these are sorted out satisfactorily for us. After we've agreed to the division of furniture, then we can set up a day and time for you to come by to pick them up.

[25yearsmlc]

Here is my first draft for a response to him. Comments?:

Husband

I will not be making any rash decisions about my future. Therefore, if you wish this divorce to be amicable, you would be well advised to stop bullying me while I catch my breath. I would like to get a PSA in place by the holidays.

I am going to take my time to research my choices and the more you pressure, the less likely I am to cooperate with you or even stay in contact with you.

Please remove your illusions that I want to be married to the man you are.

I am taking my time AND MY LAWYER IS REVIEWING IT. to grieve the man you killed off, that I loved, who was good and kind - I recognize he is lost and I'm coming to terms that he is not coming back.

There are still components of the PSA that we need to BE discussED to make it all fair and equitable. H, I ACCEPT YOUR DECISION. I AM NOT PLAYING GAMES TO STALL THIS DIVORCE. IT SEEMS LONG TO YOU I KNOW, BUT FOR ME A LOT OF THIS REALLY IS NEW. I JUST NEED TO KNOW MY INTERESTS ARE PROTECTED, AND THAT TAKES SOME TIME.

Say nothing unkind to him if you are trying to show him a new you.

This interaction is an opportunity for you to show him a woman of strength and dignity. Not a woman who lashes out and insults or makes snide remarks.

His letters are all polite to you, no matter how hurtful you feel they are. He is TRYING to be amicable. You must act the same. Even if you don't feel it.

Show him the new you.

[25yearsmlc]

Just saw Wonka's reply and like it better. But here are some other suggestions.
Feel free to ignore them BUT DO RESPOND TO HIM or to him, you will look like a child blocking her ears and closing her eyes pretending it isn't happening.

Thank you AS, Wonka and JonF for your input. I revised my note and here it is:

Thank you for your email. I am sorry that you feel disappointed.

I appreciate you letting me know that you'll be contacting the utilities to cancel them and I'll follow up with them to transfer them to my name.

I will not be making any rash decisions about my future. ((( IS IT REALLY "RASH" DECISIONS? WHY SAY THAT WORD? Why not say "any decisions about my future UNTIL I have thoroughly discussed it with my lawyer"...Don't label the decision as rash. To HIM< this has been a long time coming.)

Thanking him for doing legwork IS GOOD. My DB coach said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives they do" and it does help.




All of this is a lot for me to deal with and I need time to process it all, I hope you understand and can be accommodating. I am going to take my time to research my choices. I would like to get a PSA in place by the holidays. There are still components of the PSA that we need to discuss to make it all fair and equitable.

In regard to the cost sharing of the mortgage, what did you have in mind?

I like that you are asking him but I also would Assume he'll want to do this in writing, which is fine. You can forward it to the lawyer. THEN discuss with the L, and THEN let the L tell his L, or if you prefer, do it yourself. I advise against that, however. I think the advantage of having lawyers is exactly this type of thing. IT keeps the ugly stuff between them, not between you. Too many emotions get into it.



Before picking up any items from the house, I would ask that you please write up a list of items that you want for the apartment and send it to me. We both need to come to an agreement on this point to ensure that these are sorted out satisfactorily for us. After we've agreed to the division of furniture, then we can set up a day and time for you to come by to pick them up.

Sounds much better.

[JayMan]

I think everyone else's ideas were better than mine about the final draft, but I still liked the letter's rawness. Maybe the line about "remove your illusions" should just be said in your head.

[Wonka]

Thanking him for doing legwork IS GOOD. My DB coach said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives they do" and it does help.

25years, I disagree with this as it pertains to the initiation of separation. Why would we want to applaud our spouses ripping our hearts apart by moving out, turning our lives upside down, canceling utilities, taking furniture, etc?

We can applaud the positive actions/behaviors which will, hopefully, generate more positive responses. This is called 'positive reinforcement' for a good reason! Not too different from dog training or potty training!

Suffice to say, I think it is just plain good manners and courteous to acknowledge H's email and thank him for it. Nothing less, nothing more. We don't need to do hand springs here.

[MyNewStrength]

25yearMLC, JonF, Wonka

Thank you so very much. I sent the revised message based on your suggestions and he wrote back saying that he was happy to receive my response. Then he called. I just hung up from him. He almost started in on me immediately asking why I didn't respond to messages from last week. I DID NOT accuse, or try to protect myself.

I just said that I was sorry about that and he seemed to settled down. Then he said that he wasn't sure what I was doing or thinking because I was not communicating. He wants to know my every move it seems maybe to keep an upper hand in all of this?

So I validated him. We talked about the listing he sent in his response. It was a short list and I was getting prepared to hang up, but he still wanted to talk. Said he we each need to move forward and then he asked how I was doing. I said okay, I asked about him and he said somewhat ok. Said he is not sleeping well, and that he is ready to move out of his best friends place into his place.

Not sure if this was true, but he said he is going to spend time by himself but that he was positive about his decision (he just offered that up - I did not ask). Then he asked if we could talk about the PSA. I said maybe we could arrange a time to discuss. He he offered up Sunday or Monday after he moves into his apartment.

Then it was like he wanted to say something more because he said we can still talk if you want (because he had another hour on the road). Normally he DOES NOT want to even hear my voice. So I just said that I had to get going. He said that he would talk to me later this week, and we hung up.

I was proud of me for not crying, I was strong in both voice and thought.

[Wonka]

Good job, Strength! See...you can DO THIS! Glad we were able help you out here.

I would not bring up PSA again. Let H bring it up. He'll be busy with moving. Plus it will buy you time talk with your L about what benefits you can gain from a well-constructed PSA. Arm yourself with information from the L so you'll have a good reference point when talking with H to gauge if he's being reasonable or not.

Are you comfortable with the list of items that H wants to take to his apartment? If yes, then I'd suggest that you prepare them and have them ready to go.

Stay strong!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanking him for doing legwork IS GOOD. My DB coach said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives they do" and it does help.

25years, I disagree with this as it pertains to the initiation of separation. Why would we want to applaud our spouses ripping our hearts apart by moving out, turning our lives upside down, canceling utilities, taking furniture, etc?


Because that is NOT what HE thinks he is doing and frankly, it's not the phone calls to change utitlities, etc that is breaking them up. It's him leaving a marriage he finds unacceptable.

Seeing ourselves as victims does NOT help us or our situation. It really does not.

For one thing, among many others, is that it makes it harder for them to imagine reconciling with someone that they have "wronged"....b/c it makes them Not believe you'd ever forgive...that you'd never move on, b/c you are "so hurt" and "he is so wrong"...

He has to believe that you two could someday go "from this day forward"...leaving the past behind, which you have had issues with before. So

reminding the WAS of all the damage they have inflicted may feel good, may feel totally justified, and may be justified...

but it won't make them come back.


We can applaud the positive actions/behaviors which will, hopefully, generate more positive responses. This is called 'positive reinforcement' for a good reason! Not too different from dog training or potty training!


I would not mock that so fast. That simple suggestion reminded me that my husband's love language was words of affirmation and touch.

But I had been so hurt that I focussed on what LACKED in him and his actions, which means I was not speaking in his love language to him, and his tanks were pretty empty (as were mine. But we have to take the first step AND we have to take the next 103 steps too...)

For me, the applause felt awkward and over the top at first,

but later on it just made me feel like a more loving woman. And I became one.


Suffice to say, I think it is just plain good manners and courteous to acknowledge H's email and thank him for it. Nothing less, nothing more. We don't need to do hand springs here.

Who said do hand springs? Do you think too much positive affirmation has been going on in this marriage?

I just said what my DB coach said. MNS, you may seriously consider hiring a DB coach. I know it seems pricey but so is divorce.

I ended up getting something like 12-15 sessions with my coach and she was a Godsend to me. Best single thing of many, that I did to stay m.

[MyNewStrength]

Thanking him for doing legwork IS GOOD. My DB coach said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives they do" and it does help.

25years, I disagree with this as it pertains to the initiation of separation. Why would we want to applaud our spouses ripping our hearts apart by moving out, turning our lives upside down, canceling utilities, taking furniture, etc?


Because that is NOT what HE thinks he is doing and frankly, it's not the phone calls to change utitlities, etc that is breaking them up. It's him leaving a marriage he finds unacceptable.

Seeing ourselves as victims does NOT help us or our situation. It really does not.

For one thing, among many others, is that it makes it harder for them to imagine reconciling with someone that they have "wronged"....b/c it makes them Not believe you'd ever forgive...that you'd never move on, b/c you are "so hurt" and "he is so wrong"...

He has to believe that you two could someday go "from this day forward"...leaving the past behind, which you have had issues with before. So

reminding the WAS of all the damage they have inflicted may feel good, may feel totally justified, and may be justified...

but it won't make them come back.


We can applaud the positive actions/behaviors which will, hopefully, generate more positive responses. This is called 'positive reinforcement' for a good reason! Not too different from dog training or potty training!


I would not mock that so fast. That simple suggestion reminded me that my husband's love language was words of affirmation and touch.

But I had been so hurt that I focussed on what LACKED in him and his actions, which means I was not speaking in his love language to him, and his tanks were pretty empty (as were mine. But we have to take the first step AND we have to take the next 103 steps too...)

For me, the applause felt awkward and over the top at first,

but later on it just made me feel like a more loving woman. And I became one.


Suffice to say, I think it is just plain good manners and courteous to acknowledge H's email and thank him for it. Nothing less, nothing more. We don't need to do hand springs here.

Who said do hand springs? Do you think too much positive affirmation has been going on in this marriage?

I just said what my DB coach said. MNS, you may seriously consider hiring a DB coach. I know it seems pricey but so is divorce.

I ended up getting something like 12-15 sessions with my coach and she was a Godsend to me. Best single thing of many, that I did to stay m.

25YearMLC - I have a DB coach and I had a discussion with him on yesterday. I think it helped me be able to speak with the H on yesterday. However I have a question. When you said that "It's him leaving a marriage he finds unacceptable." What did you mean?

So do you think he knows leaving the marriage is unacceptable?

I do have DB coach and I spoke with him on yesterday. I am almost positive that is why I was able to speak to my H yesterday with calmness.