WAW served me, 2 weeks in, looking for pointers

[KdogGS]

How do all,

I'm looking for some pointers- I've read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and implemented the Last-Resort Technique as of 5 days ago. Still no contact as of yet.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, been sober almost a year. When I was blacked out and drinking about a year ago, I sexted other girls I knew from college. Wife came home, found texts and the trust was broken. Let's assume she considered it infidelity like if I had a real affair.

We ended up moving halfway across the country, hoping for a fresh start. I quit drinking cold turkey. We went to a couples marriage workshop at our church and I thought things were improving. We purchased a home and had been moved in about 2 weeks. I left for work one morning and came back to find she had moved everything out and had met with an attorney to file for divorce. She served me in person, I have since decided not to sign the waiver of service. Luckily, I didn't do anything crazy, no facebook posts, no threats. I calmly accepted the papers, gave her the extra car keys, and told her I would not stop by her work.

I texted her a couple times about financial stuff since I am the money manager. She has left money going into joint account as it was before. She says she wants an amicable divorce but I know there is no such thing, I have a lot more to lose. I don't want to go that route at all. I know the past hurt from sexting is what is driving this, and that she needs to fully forgive me so we can move on. I understand what I did was awful, she's never been blacked out so she doesn't have a frame of reference for not knowing what I did or said.

I met with her for coffee and to give her car insurance docs. I told her I knew she felt God was telling her this was the right decision, but that I felt God was telling me to keep on trying and left it at that. She hugged me and we left. Since then, I have not contacted her, nor her me. The waiting is killing me, I know I cannot pursue her. I feel like there are a lot of forces working against me. She feels God wants her to end our marriage, I think there is a lot of parental support for getting rid of me as well.

I have made a lot of positive changes in the last year, and especially in the last two weeks. I feel like many of my positive changes went unnoticed and she can only focus on the bad things. She said she doesn't know who she married. She also said ILYBINILWY. Looking back I did say "I love you" a lot with no reply from her. I also tried to get physical contact such as hugs and kisses but these were met with resistance at best. Sex stopped back in May, I don't suspect an OM but who knows. I feel she is to devout/faithful to be having one. We are separated now and she is staying with her parents, so I know it's going to be hard for her to figure out she needs me since they are going to meet a lot of her needs.

What words of wisdom or encouragement do you have for me? Thanks for taking the time to read.

[KarenR]

I am sorry for what you are going through. Your wife is hurt and feels betrayed, so it will take time for her to forgive. It is great that you have made changes, but that too will take time for her notice. The DB coaches will help you come up with a step by step plan of what is most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away...when you have contact, whether in person or by phone, email etc. The books are great, but working with a coach helps you in your particular situation. Take good care.

[AnotherStander]

Wife came home, found texts and the trust was broken. Let's assume she considered it infidelity like if I had a real affair.

You did have a real affair. Multiple affairs in fact. Emotional affairs are just as real and damaging as physical affairs. I'm not trying to guilt-trip you, I just want you to understand what you've subjected your W to.

We ended up moving halfway across the country, hoping for a fresh start. I quit drinking cold turkey. We went to a couples marriage workshop at our church and I thought things were improving. We purchased a home and had been moved in about 2 weeks. I left for work one morning and came back to find she had moved everything out and had met with an attorney to file for divorce.

You gave it a good effort, but unfortunately once a WAS checks out of the marriage they are often totally "done" even though they may appear to be trying for a while. There are no magic bullets- not buying a new house, not relocating, not overwhelming the WAS with love and affection. These things simply don't work. Time and space is what she needs.

I understand what I did was awful, she's never been blacked out so she doesn't have a frame of reference for not knowing what I did or said.

I'm a little confused by that, is it your belief that blacking out excuses the affairs? Or that she just doesn't understand your position?

I told her I knew she felt God was telling her this was the right decision

Have you read DR? Don't tell her what she thinks or feels, it's belittling. It's mind-reading, and whenever we mind-read our spouse we can be assured of one thing- we're wrong. Seek to have HER tell YOU what she's thinking and feeling.

The waiting is killing me, I know I cannot pursue her.

You can't wait for her either. DB'ing is not about waiting. It's about working on yourself, getting out, getting a life, becoming the strong, happy, independent person you were back when you met your W.

I feel like there are a lot of forces working against me.

There are. Your W wants out. Your W will surround herself with "enablers" that tell her to get out. Her friends and family will tell her to get out. It's all in DR. You can't control any of that, all you can control is you. Show them all an amazing person that defies all their lousy opinions of you.

I have made a lot of positive changes in the last year, and especially in the last two weeks. I feel like many of my positive changes went unnoticed and she can only focus on the bad things.

You're right. Again, this is typical, we call it "script". You've changed for 2 weeks? She doesn't believe it. She sees it as tricks to get her back after which you'll revert to old ways. 25's mantra is "consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in". This is a marathon, not a sprint. Show her changes for months and months and she'll start believing them. But even after that it'll be many more months before she might consider returning. Reconciliations of less than a year are very unusual. 1-2 years is a more realistic timeline. I'm not trying to scare you, just give you realistic expectations. We all come on here hoping for a quick fix so we can "get back to normal" but it doesn't work that way.

[MrBond]

"Let's assume she considered it infidelity like if I had a real affair."

You did have an affair. If you virtual sexted another woman, then you cheated on your W.

"I left for work one morning and came back to find she had moved everything out and had met with an attorney to file for divorce."

Something sounds a bit off. Can you give us a little more detail about what happened before that?

"She says she wants an amicable divorce but I know there is no such thing, I have a lot more to lose. I don't want to go that route at all."

Sounds a little selfish. Was she miserable?

"I know the past hurt from sexting is what is driving this, and that she needs to fully forgive me so we can move on."

You're mindreading. I'm sure the sexting was part of it, but I don't think it was just that action that is pushing her. Something else must have been going on.

"I understand what I did was awful, she's never been blacked out so she doesn't have a frame of reference for not knowing what I did or said."

Nor does she need to understand what it's like to be blacked out. You should have been responsible enough to not let it get to that point. It's not her job to understand something like that, AND it's not an excuse on your part.

"I met with her for coffee and to give her car insurance docs. I told her I knew she felt God was telling her this was the right decision, but that I felt God was telling me to keep on trying and left it at that."

Don't tell her what YOU think she is going through.

"I feel like there are a lot of forces working against me. She feels God wants her to end our marriage, I think there is a lot of parental support for getting rid of me as well."

You mention alot about "outside forces" but you just glossed over your actual marriage issues.

"I have made a lot of positive changes in the last year, and especially in the last two weeks. I feel like many of my positive changes went unnoticed and she can only focus on the bad things."

Just because you decided to change a year ago after she's been going through your issues for 3 years prior of marriage, doesn't mean that she needs to now fall at your feet. She has to go according to her timetable. Not yours.

"We are separated now and she is staying with her parents, so I know it's going to be hard for her to figure out she needs me since they are going to meet a lot of her needs."

Mindreading again.

"What words of wisdom or encouragement do you have for me?"

I think your situation can be saved, however you have to be honest with your actual marital situation here.

[KdogGS]

Thanks for the feedback thus far.

She told me that God was giving her direction that divorce was the right move, I did not infer that.

The outside forces are that we moved in with her parents when we got here. She has a very close relationship with her mother. Her mother and I butted heads, her mother stepped in to fill my spot, and monopolizing her time. It got to the point where she would come home and tell her mom about her day instead of me. These was no privacy. This went on for about 4 months, I had never had issues with her parents before this. I stopped trying to compete for time and withdrew, they saw this as me not fulfilling their daughters needs and re-doubled their efforts. This even pushed me further away from her.

We really didn't have any issues leading up to the sexting issues, never really argued. We have been together a little over 4 years now.

I'll try to stop mindreading, I'm not good at it. It's hard because I have no idea what she's thinking because I'm not contacting her. Day 6 still no word.

[KdogGS]

What other things should I be focusing on?

I'm focusing on staying sober.
Not pursuing.
Being positive.
Changing for me.
Getting baptized and going to church weekly.
Working out daily.

[MrBond]

You need to tell us more about the additional problems in your M. Really go back and rethink of the things and actions that she did that might have been a hint of something not right in the M. And I'm especially talking about your issues.

The drinking is a big issue and so was the sexting. You seem to really not mention those things as if they're not a big deal. Well let's put it this way...they were a big deal to her so you better put some importance in them.

[KdogGS]

I'm sorry if it came across that I'm not taking that incident seriously. It was a year ago today, and I tried to move on. I thought we had, the issue resurfaced when we moved and things got bad.

In September 2012 after the event, I decided it would be best for us to move to be near family. We sold our house and vehicles, packed up our things and moved in early March. We moved in with her parents. She got a job immediately at a local store, and I did not start at my new job until late March. I had a hard time dealing with my identity as a man. I left a law enforcement job I had been at for 5 years. I switched careers and went into an unknown career in a call center. I had no friends or support network in the new city. I became addicted to playing a game on my iphone that took up most of my time of the day. My wife chose to spend her time with her mother rather than me. I became resentful of their closeness and shut down. I started to care more and more for our dog and just spend my time with her. Wife got a new, better dream job and was having a great time. I started my position and it wasn't great. I had stress at work and at home. It was killing me.
I couldn't confide in my wife because she told her mother everything I said. She told her mother things that I said about her mother in confidence. This broke my trust in talking to her candidly. Her mother positioned herself inbetween us and actively tried to monopolize my wife's time. She would sit with my wife while watching a movie, or run out to greet her in the driveway, and wake up and get her ready for work in the morning. There was no need for me so I continued to shut down.

Religion became another big issue. I told my wife multiple times before we got married that I was in a different place religiously than her. Before I started to going to AA, I questioned everything. I guess I was agnostic. Her mother is very religious and told me I was possessed. That I had a hole in my soul. Wife saw/heard none of this. Got the stories from her mother since they would talk for hours each night after I went to bed.

Wife finally said in June- "I can't do this anymore, we need to move out" We were three days away from closing on our home purchase. I had a heart to heart with her parents, apologized, let them know about my past drinking, thanked them for letting us live there. Things improved, we decided to go to a marriage workshop weekend at the church. We left feeling really good about the weekend, she said she felt good about it too. We had stopped having sex a month before and have not had sex since May. It did not start again after the workshop weekend. We continued to live with her parents while our house was renovated. Things did not improve, mother in law continued to try to meet all of her daughters needs. I feel like a plan had already been developed at that point to get her out of the situation.
We moved out of their house in August and into our own. Her parents did not help us move at all. They did not offer me help. There were private conversations the night before we moved out that I was not privied to.
Once we moved into our house, I thought things were improving. We spent our day off together picking out decorations and shopping. It went really well. She kept shying away from any kisses/hugs. I stopped trying to get her to by physical. I had no self confidence. I had no self esteem. I had been sexually rejected for over 4 months. I also at this time read a book about being loving. Up until the day she walked out, I made her favorite meals, did things she wanted to do, asked her about her day, tried to talk about feelings. I was completely blindsided when I got home from work and she served me papers. The day I got served we hung blinds and she told me what a good team we made. She also got our car fixed that had a dead battery and texted me with smiley faces while I was at work. What I didn't know was her parents were helping her move out while all this was going on.
So I get home and get served in person. She tells me she can't ever trust me again. I told her I didn't have eyes for anyone else, she says she doesn't either and starts crying. I give her the extra car keys, work pass, parents house key and try to shake her hand. She asks for a hug, after serving me. I apologize while hugging for past transgressions.

It goes a few days, we text trivial things back and forth about finances. I call her a week later and tell her I forgive her for what she did. She starts crying again. I tell her I didn't realize how much what I did hurt her until I felt this betrayal . I apologized again for what I did and asked her to try to forgive me.

We had an hour long phone call a couple days later. She spoke a lot about the September texting incident. She said she knows divorce is the right decision. She says she doesn't feel like the man she marries exists or ever existed. She feel I put on an act for our whole marriage. I asked her to hold off on having me served. She inferred that I was not signing the waiver of service form she had served me in person. The "deadline" she had set was the 18th. Knock on wood but I still haven't been formally served.

We met for coffee, I told her that I had heard everything she said on the phone, and re-iterated some of her main points to make sure she knew I was listening. I did not tell her I didn't want a divorce, but I phrased it as God is telling me to keep trying. We went out to our cars and I planned to get in and leave and she asked for a hug. We hugged and then went our separate ways.

She stopped by that evening to pick up some cash I had left out for her and to see our dog. She brought the trash can in from the curb. When I got home, I texted her thank you for bringing in the trash, that was kind of you. She said "you're welcome"

We have not had any contact since.

[KdogGS]

Something I am seriously considering is getting rid of my Iphone. I don't think I am mature enough to have one and it's only gotten me into trouble. I am thinking of getting a good old fashioned land line phone wit answering machine, and a prepaid cell phone for emergency/travel use.

She is the main name on the cell phone account, so she would know if I cancelled my plan. I think this would be a demonstrable action to show my change. I am doing it for me though, as I feel I have an unhealthy attachment to my phone. I look at it even when talking to peers or co-workers, sending the message they aren't important. The phone in my mind is a contstant reminder of what happened, and since I haven't changed my number since the incident, I think this would help put her mind at ease a bit that I'm no longer doing anything of that sort. And I haven't done anything of that sort since sobering up.

I think I would phrase it as- I have decided to liberate myself from being attached to my cell phone! I am going to get a landline so if you need to get a hold of me here is my new number. This way it keeps that change as positive.

Thoughts?

[MrBond]

How about BEFORE the event?