He's not 'in love' with me

[CallaghanClown]

I hope you can all help me.....I'm early on and really struggling.

My story is this

Having been married for 5 years, together for 10 and known each other for 16 years I found out 4 weeks ago that my husband had been having a text message relationship with a girl from work. Pictures and flirting, sexual flirting. We own some nightclubs and a cafe and she's been working in both from the start. He's been working very hard for 9 month rarely here and not been spending any time with the kids. Seeing as though I'd been the breadwinner for the whole of our relationship, I took the fact that he was working so hard as a good sign and let him just get on with it. Id been made redundant under very stressful circumstances a year ago and he'd never brought any money into the house until my redundancy. Our relationship changed after this time and I ended up literally hanging off his every word, waiting for him to come home, waiting for his every call/text.

Initially after I found out, he just didn't seem like he was really sorry. Then he begged me to give him a chance. I was so upset. We'd always loved each other so much I just didn't understand. We went to marriage counselling but I never really felt like he really wanted to make it work. Then he started to feel suicidal so i took him to the doctors and got him medicated. He's been suffering with depression for about 5 years but refused to get help or work on it at all. I looked after him, covered for him and enabled him to continue with his depression. After 3 weeks I told him I couldn't keep going if he didn't make a real effort and told him I thought we should separate. He moved out for the weekend and when he came back he told me he wasn't 'in love' with me and he wanted to separate for good.

I already knew this was what he was going to say, so it wasn't a big shock. He wants to keep going to marriage counselling, although its not for another week, so there is time for him to cancel.

I've read The Divorce Remedy and I'm trying to live by it. He now calls our children every night and sends texts a few times a day. But I'm struggling to figure out which texts to answer and which to ignore.

I'm also not sure what to say to the marriage counsellor. I don't want my husband to know I want him back because this will push him away. Do I tell the marriage counsellor that I'm continuing therapy because I want to keep our relationship amicable?

Our relationship was very mother/child. He had no responsibilities. I was always so angry with him. I used to shout at him in public. I wanted to know everything he was doing. I wanted to be in charge of everything. I had an opinion on everything and always had to be right. I can see now how destructive my behaviour was. I've really worked on my part in the marriage.

I'm working on getting a life. I've joined a singing group. I'm planning to start sign language lessons, something we had always planned to do as a family. I'm training for a marathon. I'm going out with friends and trying to have fun with my kids.

I'm managing to stay friendly towards him every time I see him, pleasant on the phone. I look great whenever he's about, and most of the time when he's not. I don't answer all of his calls or messages, or I wait a few hours. I listen intently when he's telling me a story. I never ask where he's been or what he's doing. I don't bring up the affair our marriage or reconciliation. I never initiate a conversation and I don't contact him unless its about the kids and only then when it's urgent. I tell him not to feel bad when he shows guilt. I end all conversations before him, trying my best not to come across as rude.

But I miss him so much now. I just want him back. I'm really struggling not to just call him and have a chat. Not to text him and make sure he's ok. He's ill and I feel like I've abandoned him.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[jp787]

Welcome

Our relationship was very mother/child. He had no responsibilities.

From your post and specifically this, there is a lot of codependency going on.

I am the H in a relationship from what you stated ^^

Everything I did was self serving, until I knew my W was leaving me.

IMO your H needs to have an awakening before anything real change.

That said, step back and breathe. Don't rush anything and let the people here help you.

Focus on you and dig deep to start seeing what what you really want.

[CallaghanClown]

I'm really struggling today. I really want to tell him that I love him and want him back.

Today he called me baby, my pet name. He asked me if I'd like to take the girls swimming next Wednesday. These are signs of improvement right?

I'm worried that holding back from him is pushing him away.

[CallaghanClown]

I must stay strong. Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm off out for some exercise and will make more of an effort with food today.

[CallaghanClown]

Last night he had the girls at my house while I went singing. I retreated to my room because I was feeling vulnerable and then left early, which seemed to confuse him. I just didn't want to tell him I loved him and missed him. We have too much to work on, I know that, I just miss him like crazy. When I returned from singing he was all dressed up ready to go out with his friends......it broke my heart.

Today I had our youngests assembly and she was the star. It was amazing and I called him excitedly to tell him everything, he seemed so pleased. I got off the phone saying I needed to go because I was busy. Then missed a call from him later in the day. By the time he called back, he sounded quite angry. The kids were tired and didn't want to talk to him.

I'm confused about whether in doing the right thing. I feel like I'm angering him and that's part of the issues we had in the marriage and something I was trying to avoid.

[CallaghanClown]

Full circle on the roller coaster.....today's thought....divorce. How did that happen? I wanted to beg him to come back on Wednesday.

Didn't contact him at all today even though I kind of needed to. Thought I best stay away while I was feeling so fragile.

Going to stick with working on me. Reading as many self help books as I need to, therapy and writing on here like a diary of my screwed up life!

[CallaghanClown]

So will trying a bit of self preservation and deleting all of his access to my iPad, I found that he had added the other woman's number to his phone again. Feel sick. I'm honestly not sure i want to carry on even trying to save my marriage.

I'm securing my finances. We're back to the marriage counsellor on Wednesday. Should I admit I know he's in contact with her again?

[CallaghanClown]

Today I did some work on my rental properties with my dad. It was total escapism and I loved it. I then went to the property that my husband wanted to move into, I've decided it's not a good idea, I don't want him sleeping with other women in my house. When I got there I found mail in his name dating back to mid August. Before I even found out about his affair.

It was our plan to make it a crash pad for him during the week, as its close to his work. Obviously my head is telling me that he was planning to leave us though. I've decided not to mind read though. I've got the keys and he's not moving in there. He'll have to rent somewhere else.

We have marriage counselling tomorrow. Our first since he moved out. Then we are going to sit down and sort out our finances. I've had bailiff letters and unpaid bills etc since he left. I guess this is all part of the reason he'd got so depressed, he obviously wasn't dealing with the bills he said he was and now we are in a right mess.

I'll have to break it to him tomorrow that he's not moving into one of my houses, I may think I'm being petty but its not good for my mental health to think about him with another woman.

I met with him this morning to collect some documents and the keys for my house, I was pleasant as ever but left in a hurry. He then called me and asked if I'd like to get lunch together. I politely declined as I didn't have time, but took it as an improvement...we'll just have to wait and see if it was.

My husband told our 4&6 year old girls that he loved me but wasn't in love with me last night, I was totally shocked as were they. It took me all night to calm them and me down and explain to them what he'd meant. How do you explain this though? Daddies having a MLC? Daddy is having an affair with a 19 year old? Thank god I've got a sensible head and would never break their hearts in such a way. They've been through enough, they need time just like I do.

I'm still lost about what approach to take with the marriage counsellor. I have visions of her asking if I want to work on the marriage and obviously I do or I wouldn't be here, but to be truthful I don't want him back, I want the loving beautiful husband I fell in love with back.

[Pudmuddle]

Sorry to hear about your sitch Callaghan Clown.

I don't blame you for not wanting him in a house you shared. He made his new path, so now he will have to be responsible for how to proceed.

And I hate when they tell the children 'adult feelings'. Especially when they are so young, they cannot comprehend what it really means, they only see that their secure world is falling apart. I had to lay down the rules with my H on that one, even though my S is 16, he doesn't need to have the adult conversations and be his Dad's buddy. He needs his father to be a father and a good role model.

Hopefully, some of the more experienced people here can chime in, as they always have wonderful, upfront advice.

Keep posting to us, we can help and support you in the worst of times.
Pud