I introduced my sitch over on the newbie forum, but thought I would come over here since this is the proper place for help with my problem. I feel like I am living with a spiteful, venomous 39 year old alien that is rejecting me and stomping on me at every turn. She is now validating herself and by spending every waking hour posting on Facebook and Instagram. I swear its like she's in High School again. Its like she's trying to win a popularity contest or running for homecoming court.
I have already confirmed 2 online EA's with HS friends that included texting, calls, messaging and trading of sexual pictures. I am pretty confident that there have been and continue to be more.
She is completely withdrawn, lost 30 pounds, coloring her hair, doing absolutely no housework or anything else of value. If she wasn't the one responsible for taking our 2 boys to school every day, I think she wouldn't be doing that.
I have been trying to GAL and act "as if", but I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted on a daily basis. Last night, after a 16 hour workday, I came home and had to immediately take out the trash, clean the laundry room floor, and feed all the animals. This is after washing all the dishes and all the dirty clothes in the house the night before. I made mention that I was going to make a chore list for the boys because I "needed some help." She smugly responded saying, "Its hard doing it all by yourself, isn't it?" This was while she was in bed with her phone in her hand texting or Facebooking. I simply walked away to avoid the fight. She even tried to draw me back into the fight with a couple of more statements as a walked downstairs.
I am reading DB and 2 of Jim Conway's books. I'm also running and trying to improve my relationship with my children. Anyone with any great advice would be appreciated.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Huge R talk this weekend. Initiated by W. Basically started because she snooped on my Facebook and found out I had accepted a friend request from an XGF from High School. I had avoided this girl for 6 months on FB. Just reconnecting with lots of old friends male and female.
Anyway, my W has had moments of lucidity during this crazy MLC process. There have been moments where she is very introspective trying to figure out why she feels the way she does. She has said "I dont know why I'm doing what I'm doing" more times than I can count. She also has blamed her father's lack of approval and her mother's leaving her at age 13. She has freely admitted that she just doesn't want the responsibility of anything anymore. Her actions and words read like a blueprint of the MLC. She has even admitted that she thinks she probably is having MLC and wants to know what I have found out about it. (Dangerous territory I know) She has also said that she thinks I am having one myself. As I attempt to GAL and detach, she is trying to see my journey as MLC.
Questions for today: 1) If she is intelligently looking at her self, how much talk about MLC can you have with an MLCer? I know MWD's advice is to never tell someone that they are having an MLC because they are irrational and that will drive them away.
2) Detaching is tough for me as we still share a house and a bed. Distance between us has caused most of our marital problems. How can I detach and GAL without being seen as "more of the same"? I don't want to be available and attentive all the time and invite cake eating.
Thanks for listening.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I am almost finished with DB and DR just arrived today. I have also watched everything from MWD on YouTube. Working hard on myself and my kids. Also have SSM ordered to read as it also applies to the last 10 years of our marriage. Thanks to everyone here.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Finished DB and moved on to DR yesterday. Employing GAL, trying to detach is difficult. Being in the same house and sharing the same bed makes complete detachment impossible. I have spent lots of time with Heartsblessing's posts. They are very insightful. Its amazing how similar all of our stories are. My heart goes out to everyone that finds themselves here. We are the ones who have chosen to stand up for our vows and for the sanctity of marriage. Divorce is destroying our country and our family structure today.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Strange night last night. W asked me if I thought my medication (Celexa for a month) was working. Said her father asked her why I had been so happy lately. My response was very truthful in that I told her there were many reasons that I probably appeared happier lately. I left it at that. Later, I told her simply that I understood things and understood her pain. That must have been a major mistake. I got venom spit at me. Was told, "No you don't. You just think I'm having MLC, but you don't understand." Venom. Then she came back and tenderly said "thank you for trying to understand."
I'm beginning to realize that this is really going to be a long, painful process and that my chances of survival in our marriage are pretty slim. Some days there is progress and other days she is withdrawn, miserable and completely isolated. It's been only 3 months since the bomb dropped. I realize from others stories that I'm just in the beginning of this terrible journey.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Questions for today: 1) If she is intelligently looking at her self, how much talk about MLC can you have with an MLCer?
Only if they bring it up. Then point out that a MLC, or better still, a mid life transition, can and should be a period of growth. A chance to become better people with more meaning and purpose in our life.
Mostly just encourage her to figure it all out. Listen to her. Be there for her.
Quote:
How can I detach and GAL without being seen as "more of the same"?
Do the dance. Since you live together and have kids, there has to be interaction. if she's receptive to you, go with it. If she's not, off you go to do your own thing. This way she doesn't perceive you as cold, or pressuring her for what you want.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY. It's a terrible confusing dance. I feel like I'm shifting gears and reacting to every movement and every word on a daily basis. After the weird scenario last night. I didn't complain or entertain any more conversation. I simply said good night with a smile and went to sleep. She expected a long, drawn out R talk. I felt here walls coming up and completely disarmed her by saying good night and meaning it.
I can truly say that I feel better about myself and my understanding of her feelings. It's not playing the game or anything of that nature. I feel better and can react to her in a more positive way. I think that is actual growth maybe.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
JFun51, welcome. Sorry you have to be here. BTW, are we married to the same W? Seriously, it's so crazy how the stories all line up. Has your W discussed leaving yet or is she happy freeloading for now? Just try to remember that as strange as it is, this is hard on them too. They're so confused right now and really trying to figure themselves out. The challenge is they often take unhealthy paths. We just need to let them go. Nothing we can do to fix them.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
She has said that over and over. "It's not you, it's me." "Stop trying to fix me." I didn't get that until I found this community and have truly educated myself about what she's going through. She has threatened to move out or suggested that I do. We own another house down the street that she has mentioned several times. I think she is beyond that now, as she realizes I'm not going anywhere. Never really thought of her as a freeloader, but I guess that's a possible description. I do all the housework, yardwork, now paying all the bills, and definitely doing all the emotional work here. I stay mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. GAL has really helped. I remove myself for about 1.5 hours every night to walk, run, and workout. Always after I tuck my kids into bed. I will not allow her to drive me away from them. Greatest realization for me was that no matter what happens between me and W, I will always be their Dad.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
