Don't know what to think

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TL, thanks, needed your insight as a reminder. Sorry it's been 5 days since your post. Thought I'd check early this a.m. before I head out to work, so tonight I will reply. Just wanted to acknowledge I got your post.

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Tigerlily, thanks again for the great post. You helped untangle the knot I always seem to get myself tied up in when I put too much thought into all of this. And I don't know if you are to credit for this, but all day I experiended the best feelings about my sitch in that I had great compassion and calmness throughout the day. Like I was floating above the whole thing and could see things more clearly -just releasing it all to a higher power. It was so weird. And I kept telling myself that I wished I could feel this way everyday. So, if in fact what you said helped me accomplish this state of mind, thank you... I hope to feel this way tomorrow.

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I did feel that way all weekend long until today. Got through most of the day, but while sitting at a stoplight two blocks from my hotel I had a major case of 'the misses.' The tears just filled my eyes and kept flowing. When I reached the parking lot I called a good friend and had her talk me down. Took a shower and met some hotel friends for dinner who provided a good distraction.

Then moments ago, I got back to my room and there was a text from my SIL, one of three, and the one I was closest with, who said she misssed me, could she call me sometime, and told me she loved me. I haven't had a text from her since maybe August and had pretty much given up on her as I know my H is closest to her as well. I thought she had decided to lose contact with me in order to 'support' her brother which I totally understand and accept. But I have missed talking to her,too. So my reply text may have been a little too enthusiastic - lots of capital letters and exclamation points saying, "yes," to call me.

My guess is she has been his only real true confidant in the family because I know how he feels about all the others. Doesn't think much of their opinions because of the decisions they've made in the past. And I can pretty much guess that his parents aren't being consulted much either.

Anyway, I was glad to 'hear' from my SIL, but I suppose I have to walk a fine line with her too. Let's just see if she does call me. She did this once before and never called.

I suppose I have to act like it's all good, that I'm happy, which is true except for this sitch with her brother. I just don't know how much more of this facade I have to try and put on - it's tiring and I'm not very good at it. Fake it til I make it? Just not my style, but I suppose if I stand any chance at all I've got to buck up and do it?

Please, let the nightmare be over....I miss my family.

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Still haven't heard from SIL. She can be a lot like her brother.

Neighbors who have been rather Switzerland about this whole thing said they don't even know who H is any more and are ready to give it up with him. Guess he was sort of manic and rude to one of them when he visited our house to pick up some stuff and they went down to say hi. H looked at them like he was highly annoyed they were there and was nervous I was going to come home any minute. I'm ashamed to say it but it makes me feel good in that this validates some of what I see and feel.

Also, therapist who knows him well, feels as though he may be heading for a crash. May be something he needs to do.

I have such mixed feelings now . . .

[tigerlily78]

Thanks for checking in on me. If my post helped you find a little peace and zen, then I am really happy to have helped.

I think we all have those good days, and we all have those moments where "the misses" hit us out of no where too, but I think overtime you start to recover out of those low spots a lot faster. Less wallowing, more dusting yourself and getting on with life.

I have just been trying to shift gears some. Be a little less analytical and spend a little more time learning. I ordered a bunch of the books people recommend around the forum and have spending a lot of time sitting in a sunny spot and pouring through them.

I think it helps to have that sense that you are working on the part of the situation that you have control of... it helps me feel like I am doing what I can to improve my role in the R, and that's all I can ask of myself. I have been applying some of the principles I have recently learned about and seem to be getting positive results too, so it helps keep the hope alive.

Your therapist is probably right... but it's pretty much the case with any MLCer, that they need to crash and burn hard before they can start to crawl back out of the depths of their depression and confusion. It's sad that it has to happen and it is hard for their loved ones to watch, but the way it is.

The depression also plays into the anxiety and irritation at so many things.

If you want to read some of the same books I am reading let me know and I will write out a list for you.

Best wishes. I hope you can find even more of those days where you feel at peace.

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Yes, I would love to have some titles. I have read a lot of things on the internet - seems I've visited almost every one. But the only book I have is DR which I refer to often, yet I feel I now need more.

After visiting and reading Wonka's class room tutorial on MLC 101 I feel so much better about even divorcing. Not that I want it, but accepting it more at a higher level - that it is something I will live through, learn from, and maybe even be a little surprised by in a good way some day. Not necessarily meaning we get back together either.

Gotta go - I think I ate something that has not been agreeing with me for the past couple of hours and my body doesn't want it around.

Take care my friend. Get back with you later.

[tigerlily78]

Ok, be forewarned that I am a total bookworm.

Most of what I am reading now is not specific to MLC, but more about communication in relationships and insights into gender differences in how we think/feel etc.

I read both DB and DR.

I am nearly done with "The Solo Partner" which is really good for focusing on your personal reactivity. Identifying the triggers that might set you off in a relationship, learning to work around them effectively so you can maintain emotional control. There is also a helpful section on the Pursuer/Distancer dynamic in relationships.

I am concurrently reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Lots of good insights into how when you do thing you *think* are supportive of your man, he gets a different message. I kind of dislike the writing style, but the content itself is useful.

I have a similar book called "For Women Only" which was recommended to me by several DBers. I haven't started reading it yet.

I also have read several of the Andrew Marshall books... "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "Resolve your differences", Love yourself enough, "Help Your Partner Say Yes" <-- Admittedly a couple of these books with "7 steps to..." in the last half the title have some overlap in the content. Those 7 steps sure are handy.

[LoisB]

Mr. Mean by Jed Diamond and Love Must Be Tough by Dobson helped me thru some really dark days early on.

Hope it helps,

Heather

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I feel like I should just throw in the towel. Just found out tonight that H is involved with OW, she's about 45 with 2 kids. The instant family he's been looking for I guess. Geez, I'm not really surprised but a little disappointed.

We're done, I'm afraid. But Thanks Tiger and Lois for the book titles. Not sure I need them now.

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Is it the wine, or am I giving up too easily? I realize this could just be the rebound affair, but really, shouldn't he be getting his sh+t together before he gets involved with someone else? Found out he's banking on getting enough money out of this deal (in his mind) to go to Spain this summer with his buddies as well as buy a new home and start a new life!! WTF!!!