Where do I begin? So much happens in a few hours here lately that I take hour by hour because day by day is too long.
- I practiced some validation while talking with H about his experience while deployed and what made him snap. Instead of preparing my argument in my head, I just stayed quiet, listening (big step for me). As he talked and noticed I was actually listening, his tone of voice got lower and calmer. He cried and actually talked a lot. He mentioned all the ways he felt abandoned or pushed away by me when he needed me. Of course I had my arguments against that, but I just said I was sorry. He got even calmer and said, how come you never listened to me before?
- after this convo things got a little calmer, but he did mention he may be sent to work across the country and if we weren't working, he'd go by himself. I wanted to ring his neck, especially because this is not the time to talk about this. Baby is due in two days! Plus, my parents were 10 minutes away.
- with my parents here, H has been really nice, friendly and social with them. It was very awkward at first and it still is at times. It occurred to me this is H's first interaction with civilians besides myself in a social setting for more than 8 months.
- while driving to a restaurant today, H asked when we should get a new car because hours is crowded now with double stroller and two baby cars eats. Then he said that maybe we should keep this one for a couple more years and then get a van so we can actually travel. Hum? Are we talking about the future?
- I was reading "Love must be tough" and H came behind me, asking what I was reading. Oops. Since I was on the kindle, I quickly moved it to "The Five love languages" and he asked what it was about. He was actually curious about the concept of the book and wanted to know more.
I've been reading "love must be tough" and I think it's genius. The whole idea of mystery makes complete sense.
I'm now in complete bed rest and less than 48 hours until delivery. I'm feeling so nervous!! Apparently the excess fluid and baby being breech can lead to placental abruption and cord prolapse, both life threatening for baby and I, so needless to say I just laid around all day, being pampered by my family.
H is furious that the doc didn't take the baby out yet, but I'm thinking, too little, too late. He was no there for most of this pregnancy.
After my family left to their hotel and S1 was in bed, I just retrieved to my room to read. H kept coming back, asking if I needed anything.
You're doing great right now. I know it's scary to hear all that but the good news is those conditions put you at increased risk so the provider mitigates the risk with the bedrest, etc. (This is my day job) If there were signs that baby wasn't tolerating they would have delivered. So, that's good news.
Enjoy the time off your feet and read something fun. Put the R books away and live in a bubble for the next couple of weeks.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm only a few hours away from giving birth. I'm so nervous. Omg.
With my family here, H is almost his normal self, minus PDA, which was his thing.
Today he called from work and said he was about to enter a meeting with a monitor, which means they were about to decide where to send him next (by summer 2014). He asked me where I'd like to live, and gave me three options. So there's a big elephant in the middle of the room: we are going to stick together, but no one is talking about it. H is not coming out and saying, "I want to work on this" or "I have feelings for you still." No, he is just making plans for the future and that's it.
What would you do in my shoes?
I just go with the flow and don't talk about anything either, although a part of me feels so lonely and detached that he is not affectionate and loving. He used to look at me with such loving eyes. Now he is just stiff and distant.
We are about to have a son tomorrow and H just looks like he has been sentenced to prison. His two sons had complications at birth, so he is scared, but I think it's more than that. Idk. I shouldn't mind read, right?
Thank you, ladies! The baby is here and I'm in cloud nine
Because of the excess amniotic fluid, he had some respiratory issues and was sent to NICU. He will be there for a week, but I am not too worried.
I feel great in spite of the csection. I have yet to feel any pain, which means I'm really doped up. I just walked around the hallway and feel almost like myself.
The NICU has a camera, so I can watch S0 from my phone and visit him.
H was his old self: cleaning after my throw ups (I was sick as a dog initially) and talking about how much he loves having children. He was ecstatic with S0 and I caught him looking at me lovingly and compassionately up until S0 went blue on his arms. He was rushed to NICU to get oxygen and ever since then H is falling apart. He is beyond worried and I have to keep assuring him that everything will be ok, telling him to go eat and oh rest.
When H is emotionally exhausted, he gets physically tired to the point that he slurs and falls asleep anywhere. I'm the opposite in that in a stressful event, I'm more alert, hence why I'm here awake and pumping my breasts for milk to be stored because baby cannot eat until the morning.
