My husband is a nice MLC'er who has been having an EA and appears to be chasing any skirt he can get his hands on. He's moved back to our home town and I'm getting drip fed the gossip as and when it comes in. I'm tempted to stop these chats as they're not helping me mentally but I've been keeping all evidence documented in case of divorce too.
My husband wants to continue MC. What's everyone's opinion when it comes to a MLC'er?
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I'm so sorry you're here. Cadet's list of reading materials is fantastic. Go through it as many times as you need to to absorb the info.
MC has mixed reviews here but one thing that everyone agrees on is get a promarriage one. If you feel they're not on the side of your marriage, and you want to save it, then you need to move on.
I wish you nothing but peace WR
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
He's just left after putting the kids to bed. He spent the whole night asking my opinion on business issues and telling me that everything is his fault. I managed to avoid giving advice and just listen and validated. It was really hard and I slipped away to cry for a few seconds.
He also said he can't sleep. He wakes at 2 am and doesn't know why. I told him that this will all be hard on him too, I hope he sleeps well tonight and that herbal sleep remedies may be helpful.
I'm wondering if I need to let him know that the door has been left slightly open? I really don't think he knows at all. I'm doing really well at acting like I've moved on. I'm friendly, listen to everything he has to say, leave him to come to me when he's at my house, never initiate conversation. He's just treating me like his friend......it's killing me.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
It's very important to listen and observe w/o giving advice unless he asks for it. You did very well in listening and validating about everything is his fault.
There are several reasons why he can't sleep much and they are: 1) his mind is like a ping pong ball and it's bouncing/racing all over the place w/thoughts, etc.; and 2) the guilt of what he's doing or not doing has him in a dither.
I would continue as you have been and let him worry about whether the door is ajar or not. Some of these folks get a little more adamant about what they are doing when we advising them that we are leaving the door ajar or we love them and want them to come home. I suggest being silent on this one. He needs to sense that you are moving on and GALing. Treating you like a friend is typical behavior, but at some point, you'll have to decide just how much you want to go "dim" w/him. But, for now, stay the course. I know it's tough, but really you are doing exactly what you should be doing.
Continue to give him plenty of time and space.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
