Totally Confused

[loualea]

Hi
still surprised I am here. We have been together 14 years married 10. We live apart during the week since April as he took a new job and we owned a house and I had a work contrct until next July. He really wanted to keep the house, I did not want to move to the area where his new job is so we decided he would commute weekends. I was going to go up to him alternate weekend s but he said that made no sense as he wanted to work in the garden.
5 weeks ago he started Sunday morning with I feel aimless and goalless and last year I had my suicide planned but it didn't work. We talked a little, he said there was nothing else to say. The following weekend was I don't know how I feel about you, the third weekend was I don't feel anything and I started seeing someone else 2 weeks ago (I found that quite hard to believe) Then he did not come last weekend because he wanted to go out. He arrived yesterday, we talked I suggested I move over and we begin to make some changes. H e said no then I asked what he wanted then. He doesn't know. I told him I had been reading about the negative effects of divorce and how it could be avoided. So he took my Divorce Busters book a couple of articles I printed and went home, again a day early
He seems quite clueless about what he wants. I said it will be hard to look after the house when he doesn't come down. He was quite surprised and said he wil be back in 2 weeks. I asked had he thought a divorce would look or a separation and he said no.
He is unusually irritable and angry. He thinks back on events and they are all negative.
I saw my family doctor and a counsellor and they both said he sounds depressed. He says he is not, he is fine. And not visiting any counsellor.
I am usually well organised but this last 5 weeks has left me flailing around with no clue where to go next.
I have read stories on here that are way more complicated but I have no idea where this ine will end. Actually tonight I am sort of glad he has gone. We were supposed to have a week away but cancelled it because of a business trip. I am glad about that too.
I am wondering can you work on a marriage when someone is depressed or do you just join them in that sad dark place. I don't want to give up but having lost 10 kilos in 4 weeks I also don't want to lose my mind as well. I don't want to divorce or separate but feel like I am locked in some weird verbal battle with a stranger, where the same things get said and enhanced each time.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[Accuray]

loualea,

If you read other stories on this forum I think you'll see a very consistent pattern between your situation and others you'll read here. It goes like this:

You and H at some point stopped meeting each other's needs or meeting each other's expectations and resentments started to build. Usually these get smashed down or rationalized away and generally not dealt with.

At some point, for one party or the other, the resentment and disappointment becomes too much, and it is no longer worth it to stay in the relationship. At the same time, the thought of leaving it is very painful, so lots of confusion results.

At the time one of the parties decides to pull away, there is usually another person involved -- an emotional affair, a friendship that has gone over the line, or even just a one-sided infatuation that suddenly provides motivation for the wayward spouse to step away.

Until that point, it's normal that the wayward spouse hasn't voiced any complaints, which is why we refer to it as "dropping a bomb". Monday everything is fine and on Tuesday, your marriage was "never good" and is over.

Once that happens, the things the wayward spouse will say to you and what they will do tend to follow a very predictable script. They will tell you that they were never happy, that the marriage was never good, etc. They will not apologize for anything, they will tend to show no sadness, remorse or doubt. They tend to just completely close themselves off emotionally.

What this tends to do to the "left behind spouse" is to initially confuse and terrify you, and then make you feel like it must be your fault, and send you running to the therapist and the self-help section of the library. At the same time, your spouse's withdrawal makes you want them more than you ever did, and sends you on a cycle of begging, pleading, and/or other pursuing behaviors.

That pursuit drives the wayward spouse even further away, and their lack of engagement in response to your overtures exacerbates how you're feeling and just starts an emotional death spiral.

That's kind of what happens in virtually every case.

The prescription for what to do about it is easy to write, easy to read, and hard to do.

You basically have to accept that you can't overtly do anything to "get them back". You just have to accept that, and that takes time.

You have to accept that the only thing you can control and change is yourself.

You can then decide if there are things about you that you would like to change, and can pursue doing so for your own benefit, but not as a strategy to get your spouse back.

That's not to say that "all help is lost", many people do reconcile, but they do so by following the rules of DB: Do a 180 on your negative behaviors, act-as-if everything is fine, and "get a life" outside of your spouse.

The longer you hold onto pursuing behaviors, the deeper you dig the hole.

The soonest that you just "let go of the rope" and let the wayward spouse do whatever it is they feel they need to do, the best served you will be.

It's a bitter pill to swallow, and will often lead to shock and PTSD for the left behind spouse. Therefore you need to focus on self-care, and getting through the initial shock as best you can, and will then need to be patient, as recovering from these situations can take a very long time -- months or years, not days or weeks.

Take care of yourself -- with time everything will be okay.

Acc

[AnotherStander]

Well Accuray pretty much laid it all out, and quite eloquently I might add I just have a couple things to add:

I am wondering can you work on a marriage when someone is depressed or do you just join them in that sad dark place.

DB'ing is all about working on YOU. You can't work on the M directly, but you can work on you and by doing 180's and making improvements to yourself you are indirectly working on the M. And you absolutely do not "join them" in depression. Have you read DR? If so, do you recall "PMA"? Positive Mental Attitude. It's critical to helping you recover from the shock of BD and it's also important to show your spouse because he will not be attracted back to a sad, desperate, clingy you, but he may eventually be attracted back to a happy, lively, independent, confident, sexy you.

I don't want to divorce or separate but feel like I am locked in some weird verbal battle with a stranger, where the same things get said and enhanced each time.

By verbal battle I assume you mean arguments, and you do have the control to stop those. MWD offers some techniques in DR. Go back and read that chapter again, it's very helpful. Avoid "more of the same" behavior, you will never have a chance of reconciling if you can't break away from that and establish 180's on your bad behavior.

[NoMoreMistakes]

Those above covered very well what you will see if you read hundreds of similar situtations among the boards. Sorry you find youself here, but know you aren't alone. Just keep posting about you situation and some of your thoughts to get feedback.

[loualea]

Thank you for your replies. I just reposted because I thought the first post had been lost.
What you say all rings very true and accuracy really hit the nail on the head as far as why it has all gone wrong.
My repost asked for some places to start to rebuild. I am working on myself. Enjoying the things I enjoy, trying to maintain my balance, though it reallly hurts.
H e has no plan for the future that I know of, he is living each day as it arrives.
Knowing that I need to control and trying to work on avoiding that,what advice do you have. Let him do any planning and then if it fits in with my other plans already made well that works?
We had a conversation about the tone of voice I use that irritates him. He said it was like an interrogation. I said I did nto realise that and it wasn't my intent. I tried the same question in a different tone. He said that was better. I ama teacher . I t is hard to change tones, especially as I did not know this was an issue.
is it grasping at straws to think because he is now willing to engage with me about the things I do that are unacceptable to him that we might be starting on a good path.
I cannot reax my book because he took it. He told me twice this week he was working on his writing about us. I did not react but later wrote an email that we are both unhappy and stressed and it is not a time for making decisions .I also said I had listened when he said he wanted space and I would leave making contact up to him if he wants to call or write that is fine but I will not be contacting him first.

What I didn't say was how much I miss him and how sad life is