How to convince resistant LD wife?

[Ambivalent]

I really can't answer that. For it was tied to the relationship. We were both clueless as to why I felt the lack of libido.
Your behavior would cause me stress, because it would be perceived as pressure. The low hanging cloud. I would know what you want, because you have said you could have it everyday. It would be a constant reminder that I'm not feeling randy, and don't know why?

For me, I was afraid of getting pregnant, in my younger days. I could not relax. I was afraid . Also , when we first made love, he released in my mouth, and that scared the heck out of me. I didn't know what to do, and was traumatized from it.

Like I said, many issues. I was young , inexperienced, thought some acts were wrong. Didn't know men masturbated, took offense to it. Also I had a body , that when younger, boys and men leered at. Wanted to touch my rear all the time. I thought guys were just interested in sex for themselves. Not as an intimate, emotional , loving act.

Talking about it , I felt so many emotions, but had no clue. Embarrassing.

My husband used a prostitute, and I discovered the email. It absolutely crushed me. He justified it by saying he wouldn't have an affair, because it would destroy our relationship, friendship.

It happened at the worst most stressful time in our marriage. High needs daughter, selling house of fifteen years, his job being downsized. It crushed me.

I still will have to deal with those feelings eventually. This is a very complex issue.

That is why I don't think it is as simple as just libido, for a woman it is tied into her feelings, and whether she feels safe. If it has not been comfortable, or you may have no clue as to her perceptions of things. She has held back, for fear of damaging your ego, masculinity, or friendship, or that you want to please her and she can't be pleased. It would be better to avoid the situation, because it is a constant reminder to her that she cannot "perform". She loses no matter what.

[MrBond]

Ambivalent is right.

That's why your last quote about " I've always chafed at the advice that quality is more important than quantity. Sure, that's the kind of advice a LD person would give." is totally BS.

Women (including HD ones) would choose quality. If not, then you're just asking for a prostitute.

[ssmguy]

MrBond, I understand what you're saying. Context matters here. Quality is more important than quantity for me too, but we would all agree we are assuming a certain range of quantity. And that's the assumption that's different -- sometimes very different. If a woman says quality is more important than quantity, and then you say, OK, you should be happy with one very high quality sexual encounter per year, rather than once a week, I think you would get a swift reply that now you have stretched the meaning of quantity so far that it is the bigger problem.

I'm looking for a high quality sexual encounter about once a day, or once every two days at a very minimum. Now you can insist that I should be happy with a very high quality sexual encounter once a week, and well, you can talk until you're blue in the face, but that won't ever be what I'd be happy with. And that does not mean that I'm more into quantity than quality. So I would say I resent the implication that because I want sex once a day, I really only want a prostitute, and not high quality sex.

So I'm just saying that this argument about quality over quantity is just a BS justification that people make make themselves feel better, with the implication that quality is more socially redeeming than quantity, and tying quantity to sleaziness and prostitution, etc. Not falling for it.

[ssmguy]

Ambivalent, your issues parallel my wife's in many ways. So I'm impressed that you still decided to work on it and that you would like to connect with your husband somehow.

It's all theoretical to speculate how I would have behaved if my wife were like you because I feel I can resolve almost anything with someone willing to talk. I have tried so many times to talk to my wife about all these issues, but she feels unsafe just talking about them, let alone doing anything. We get along well in every other area by talking.

What you say about pressure is still tricky though. I can't really pretend I'm not interested in sex. But at this point, I know nothing is going to happen, so the pressure isn't immediate anymore. I don't ask for anything, and I've told her if she wants anything to happen, then she needs to take the lead. But she still feels guilty not taking the lead, I suppose.

[Ambivalent]

SSmg

Yes taking the lead may not happen. It is not a comfortable role for many women. Especially those of us who've been taught to be a lady.

I ache at the thought of how much I have crushed the sole of my husband. I really wish I had been given some sort of manual when I got married.

I guess that was what " the talk " a mom was supposed to give the bride on her wedding eve. I never got it.

I will say Dr. Laura's " The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands " would have probably prevented some issues. But let's not kid ourselves, there will always be issues.

Dr. Laura is pretty frank, and doesn't leave any room for ambiguity .

I also had a very shy perspective of what was acceptable in bed. The thought to ask or give feedback never even crossed my mind! I also never thought vocal " noise " was comfortable.

I hope and pray, that someday I can show my H. that he is so important to me that I was willing to learn all I could. That he is worthy of all of me, and all that I am able to give.
I understand how he doesn't want to go there with me. Rejection is very painful, and add that to a MLC, and it is a recipe for masochism . So I don't see his defenses coming down anytime soon.

What is ironic is , I'd jump his bones but I think that would put him off at this point. It would look desperate, and I couldn't handle the rejecting right now either.
He's in the

"... you look great, but I'm not sexually attracted to you." Or the

" I told the dr. that I was so excited to see how you have been going to the gymn and she looks awesome, but I'm not sexually attracted to you and I don't know why? "

I don't know how long this will last...
I know I've been there, and know it can come and go. I'm trying to give him the room to say how he feels and express his needs in other areas.

S I g H o
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[Crazyville]

I'm looking for a high quality sexual encounter about once a day,

Is it possible that you simply have a different definition of "quality" than other people are speaking of? Afterall, even a prostitute offers a "quality" performance, catering to what, where and how you want it, and certainly doesn't act repulsed by the sexual act.

Could you expound on how you measure "quality?" Perhaps that could help clarify the differences of opinion.

[MrBond]

Frequency is up to the individual. It doesn't necessarily make them HD or LD. A HD person may not want sex every day and I don't know any women who do, even the HD ones. Or at least those who are in a serious relationship for a long period of time.

[Accuray]

SSM is defined as having a desire gap that bothers the HD partner -- that says nothing about frequency.

[DaddyLongShanks]

SSM is defined as having a desire gap that bothers the HD partner -- that says nothing about frequency.

A person could easily go a week without food as long as they get water.

However to go for 3 months without any food at all, I think most people would be dead.

The "starved" in sex starved means your getting much less than eating every two days. Perhaps if it's weeks and months at a time and that's the time in between encounters, that would indicate "starved"...

[Accuray]

Ambivalent, I said it before and I think you thought I was being insincere, but I really appreciate what you are sharing here. It is just so helpful.

This was my favorite post from this thread:

That is why I don't think it is as simple as just libido, for a woman it is tied into her feelings, and whether she feels safe. If it has not been comfortable, or you may have no clue as to her perceptions of things. She has held back, for fear of damaging your ego, masculinity, or friendship, or that you want to please her and she can't be pleased. It would be better to avoid the situation, because it is a constant reminder to her that she cannot "perform". She loses no matter what.

The "trap" you describe where the LD partner feels they are in a no-win situation and therefore decides to just avoid it entirely feels like a very common theme in SSM to me. The response to the "unsafe" feeling is to retreat, rather than take it head on and try to address it. This reaction of retreat versus action is also extremely frustrating to the HD partner.

Unfortunately I don't think the HD partner can do anything to spring that trap. Anything they do to directly address the issue is construed as adding pressure and making the relationship even less safe, whereas just ignoring the issue validates the LD partner's decision to abstain and makes it seem that their course of action has been accepted. There is no motivation for the LD partner to engage on either course.

It's a trap for the HD partner as well.

The ONLY way out is the LD partner deciding to take action, and the only motivation for that seems to be the HD partner leaving or cheating or both. Unfortunately, I believe that the marriage has often disintegrated in many other ways at this point, so even the HD partner leaving may not be enough to change anything.

Acc