My husband took my Divorce Busting book with him when he went home last weekend. I had said I had been doing reading about divorce and the pain it can cause.He thinks trying with the marriage will just cause him pain- hence the conversation. He only comes here on weekends, originally due to work.Not sure what would be happening if he still lived here fulltime, though he has left all his clothes and possessions here, still sleeps in our bed.
I have worked hard this week not to be needy and clingy ( I was before) I have left the contact up to him. I can't see a problem if he has read about the strategy in the book. I think he will see I am trying to work on myself and give him space. My difficulty is with trying to show how I am making positive changes to myself rather than talking about the marriage and trying to solve its problems, keeping communications light and happy when I can see he is anxious and stressed and wants to talk. Every conversation is strained and unnatural. Is this how it normally is?
It is like the purple elephant in the room no one is mentioning. He would like me to agree with him that the marriage is not viable. I do not want to do that as it is not what I believe. I have tried to affirm his right to hold his view but stay true to my own but that seems to make him very stressed. He has expressed that he did not feel like I cared about him so I am not sure that saying you do not have to come here is a message I want to give. This has only been the work of a few weeks 29th of September so I guess anything can happen. He has stayed away 2 weekends , including this one. He has started an affair with a colleague. She is still living with her family I don't know and really don't think I need to know how that is working, though he was telling me !
The question : How do I do happy positive conversation in this situation. I am feeling more positive about managing this thanks to the forum. I am going to get some coaching. I am not giving up but have accepted I can not control anyone else except me. Should I talk about the changes I have made ( I think not , seems fake). How do I avoid the same conversation we have had already. He does not seem to be in a place in his mind to organise the future and did not have any thoughts about what to do. As one of his issues with me was that I was always organising him, I am working on not being that sort of person in any of my relationships so he is on his own with this. The advice from this forum really helps Thanks
OK, I'm pretty new at this DBing thing myself (only about 4 weeks in), but I can tell you that nooooo, you should not talk about the changes you have made. The point is that you are making changes for yourself, not him. And, he needs to notice them on his own. Talk is cheap. Keep up with your actions. I would not have given him the book, either, but it's too late for that.
Do get some coaching - it has been very helpful for me. But, you have to do what your coach tells you to do! If you don't, you are just wasting your money.
How do you have happy, positive conversations? Well, do NOT talk about your M, your future, nothing of the sort. Talk about him. Talk about something about yourself that makes you happy. If you have to, fake it.
How do you avoid the same conversation you have had already? Don't have it again. Just don't.
You said it yourself - he doesn't want to talk about the future. So don't. Don't talk about anything having to do with your relationship or the future unless he brings it up.
Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? I think you need to read those and commit them to memory. I have read them many times and when I am feeling emotional or like this is hard, I remember what I am doing here and I reread those rules. I think it is a sticky in the Newcomers forum. Don't pick and choose which ones to follow. Follow them ALL.
By the way, why do you think this M is viable? It's not. Obviously it isn't, or you wouldn't be where you are now. The M, in the state it is/was in, is not viable. Better to kiss it goodbye, and hope for something better in the future. Agree with him. Yeah, this M [censored]. I don't want it this way either. I want it to be better. I'm making these changes and doing the work I need to do on me, for myself - no matter what happens. I'd love for you to join me.
Don't argue with him about whether you cared about him - make sure he knows his feelings are valid. I'm sorry, I obviously didn't let you know enough, or in the right way, how much I do care.
I have no help re: the OW . . . but I am sure many of the great members of this community will help you on that front!
Good luck. Follow the rules, and hang in there!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
My difficulty is with trying to show how I am making positive changes to myself rather than talking about the marriage and trying to solve its problems, keeping communications light and happy when I can see he is anxious and stressed and wants to talk. Every conversation is strained and unnatural. Is this how it normally is?
Boy can I relate to you here. I have been going back and forth on this. Sometimes I feel like I am being bitchy (which is a 180 for me, usually I play the vulnerable wimp who avoids conflict at all costs). And the bitchiness feels good but I don't think it is productive--it is based in anger.
Then sometimes I really feel joyful. Positive. Optimistic. Those times I have a light heart and I pull off the happy and confident me without that mean feeling. And the entire energy in the house feels different when I can do that. Rather than masking my emotions with a happy facade, I am working through them before I have to deal with him.
I have been taking a lot of drives, and while I am driving I am the crazy lady talking to myself not stop. I yell at him, I criticize him, I plead with him, but all on my own, in my car when he is not around. And once I get it all out I take a deep breath and think about my goals. Think about what will happen when I walk in the door. And if I am expecting awkwardness or a fight I keep driving for a little longer until I can convince myself that I am going to walk into a house of people who are happy I am home (rather than annoyed by it). The amazing thing is that when I am able to do this successfully, I have always come home to a happy family. He is probably only doing it for the kids sake since they don't know what is happening. But other times when I feel that anger or sadness I end up coming home to a cranky man who is ready to snap. I really think the energy I exude is more important than the actual actions. I know that his negative energy always set me off. He never even had to say anything, but the way he'd carry himself would make me want to pick a fight with him just so I could get him to admit to his moods rather than just having to deal with the negativity in silence. I now realize that has not been at all effective. So now I am trying different things to counter it. Blissful ignorance helps. I keep telling myself he didn't mean it, he just doesn't yet know how to fix it. So I need to make it easier for him by being positive and not getting sucked in by his negativity.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
WAS's are already "skeptical" of any changes the LBS makes....so since you allowed your husband to read the DB book, I wonder if he'll be even more turned off/see your changes as "fake" since he'll know exactly what you're doing from the book.
Either way.... just go about your days as normal... for example: when he comes in the house say hello, ask him how his day was, then go about the rest of your day, GAL, go work out, etc... No need to force any conversation, but when things come up naturally, initiate or respond with a positive outlook/attitude.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Agreed. He will, having read the book, even see loving detachment and giving space as tactics to get him back.
Insisting on your viewpoint about the marriage ("i'm right you're wrong") is disrespecting and uncaring...that is how it reads to him. It's more of the same and more of what he's trying to get away from.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
BTW, stick to one thread. You have 5 threads all in different areas. You only need one. If you don't, no one will be able to give you the help you're looking for.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It's strange that DB'ing would be considered as a "tactic" when %90 of it involves doing nothing more than changing your behaviour and letting the other person feel comfortable enough to communicate with you.
But yes, he will read this and view your every move as a tactic.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Hi All sorry about all the threads. I did not realise this was moderated and thought I had deleted rather than posted some how.
How can I remove them to just one. I will just stick to this one.
It wasn't a plan for him to read the book.It was the first chapter about the negative consequences of divorce we were discussing.
I did not actually see the advice from the book as tactics to get him back. More as advice on looking critically at my behaviours and assessing what changes I need to make in mmyself to be more independent and less controlling, not just in this relationship. It has given much food for thought.
