The Red Pill aka The Leap of Faith

[JFun51]

Thread#2:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2401927&page=11

Trying to wrap my mind around the leap of faith that I need to take. I'm realize that I'm still hanging on to the hopes that my old marriage can be rekindled. Even though everything I've read, everything our MC told us, & everything everyone has told me here is that the old marriage us dead. I think that is the Great Leap Forward that I must now make. Accepting that as fact and understanding that I'll be fine however this thing works out.

I have made changes in my life that I'm very proud of. I am trying harder and harder to understand what is happening to my W. I am very happy with the father that I can become. My relationship with S10 & S12 is growing much stronger in so many ways. I feel better physically, as exercise and eating right is now a real part of my life. I am going that for me.

I love my W and care deeply about her. I understand she is lost and wandering through a fog right now. I have yet to completely detach myself from the destruction. I am working on protecting my children and my finances from the tornado that is W's MLC. I need to find my purpose and who I really am at my core so that I can grow.

I will freely admit that I have not been very happy in my own skin for several years now. I hope that there is happiness at the end if this dark tunnel for me. New friends, please continue to challenge me and take me on the ride. I'm in for the long haul. For the commitment that I made, for myself as a father, & for the man that I want to become.

[uRworthy]

You know J, if you really think about it and I think this is true for all of us, the old marriage wasnt perfect.

So, no matter which way this goes, you are being given the opportunity to figure out what kind of relationship you want moving forward. Whether it is with your wife or not.

I know it is so hard to wrap your mind around what she is going through.

For most MLCers, there was something traumatic that happened to them in their young life. Sometimes they lived without being given the tools or without learning the tools they needed
to be able to weather life's turmoils.

So, when they reach a milestone year or when something happens like a death of someone close, a crisis gets triggered.

And since they didnt learn the tools when they were younger on how to handle things.

They then need to go back and reconcile all that. They go through phases similar to the stages of grief. Not all of them go through every phase. Not all of them go in a specific order.
And they often go up and around and through them several times.

The hope is that they shut the door on each phase that they needed to reconcile until they come out of the tunnel finally.

That's why it is important for you to remember that there isnt anything you can do to hurry this along. And you dont want to because she needs to go through each part in order to come out whole.

This is something she has to do for her. And sometimes it includes reliving the teenage years that she didnt get to experience in a positive way.

The sooner you can detach and accept that she has to do this, the easier this can become for you.

She doesnt need you to fix it for her. In fact,that would cause more harm.

It is best for you to show with your actions that you hear what she is saying.

And give her the space and time she needs to work through each part.

That is your greatest gift to her.

I know it is tough to remember all that when she is acting like she is.

And I dont believe that MLC gives them a free pass. They are ultimately responsible for their actions.

But, she is struggling. And she feels as if she is swimming through mud.

She is trying to find something to ease the pain. Anything. And unfortunately, they start with the person closest to them. They think, if I can just get out of this marriage, then I'll be happy.

All of this stuff they do, are just bandaids. But she has to realize that on her own.

I can see how hard you are trying. I can see how much you want to do your best, be your best. Good on you, J.

[JFun51]

W looked absolutely exhausted when I got home tonight. She was already showered and in bed. Watching tv with her phone in hand. I went directly to S10 to check in his day and S12 to find out about basketball tryouts before they had to go to bed. W did get up to tuck them in with me.

I asked her if she was tired and she said yes. I went to ask her if she was feeling OK and if she had a good day. She shrugged, said OK and went back to her phone. I let her know I was concerned, she seemed disinterested, so I went on to watch a football game on tv. Just noticed that she has turned off her light and is apparently going to sleep. I don't think she had a great day, but wasn't interested in sharing with me.

I guess I won't have to worry about the boundary I set last night. Lots of time for me to think tonight.

[Pudmuddle]

I was told awhile ago not to ask if they are ok when they look tired, unhappy or thinking about something. Probably because it would make them more annoyed. And to let them deal with their own problems in their own head.

I know it's hard when you see them struggling or in pain somehow. But let it go. Let her deal.

Your boundary question was great for sparking up lively convo!! Hope you get some sleep tonight. Cuz I sure can't. Bleah.

[JFun51]

Pud-Still up and unable to sleep. Not too uncommon in my world these last few months. Quite a bit of people weighing in on my last question. I've received some great insight throughout this struggle.

I didn't press her about why she looked tired and rough. I asked, she blew it off, I moved on. Figured I probably really didn't want to know anyway. If she wanted to talk with me, she would have done so.

New day tomorrow. New challenges. My job gets lots easier after tomorrow. I will really be able to buckle down and get to DBing and finding my core. I can't wait. I think I'm going to take this time to start IC as well. I wish I could convince W to do that. She could really use it. Bless her heart, she has some seriously unresolved issues that she needs to navigate.

[Pudmuddle]

Well good. I guess the way you had written it, it sounded like you had asked her three times, lol. Probly just my tired eyes.

Anyhoo, great on the job sitch. It does make it easier to do this stuff when the job slows down or is easier. My job has been unusually slow the past month so I have been focusing on a better me and asking the harder questions too.

I have to say, you might have some work to do still, but you seem like you have a great core to begin with, maybe just got lost in the past few years. You seem grounded to me. I know I had lost myself in the past 6 years so, it happens. It does feel good to start being your true self again

[Breakdown]

You are getting asked great questions. Re-read them...answer them for you.

Have you read the write up on how to lovingly detach? You can still love your W, have compassion for her, give her space, yet not allow her control your behavior and feelings.

It is a process. The way to start it is to allow her to walk her journey. Allow her to feel that you heard her.

The key to detaching is to get the mindset that you can only control you. So that means that you do not allow her actions, reactions or words to affect yours.

Each day you be the man you want to be REGARDLESS of her actions.

Great advice there...probably worth reading at the beginning of each day.

Mach already mentioned that your old M is dead. Shifting your mindset is very difficult, but very worth it. I remember all the stress and drama I felt when it was me. That doesn't really change until your mindset does.

It may help to maybe think of how you would treat a close friend in this situation. Their choices wouldn't affect you right? You'd love them, and help if asked, but wouldn't give them advice unsolicited would you? You wouldn't try to force your view on them. When they spoke, you'd listen rather than talk. You'd focus on you, and your boys, and go about your life...making yourself available for them should they choose to engage you, but not waiting around for them.

[albamarie]

Hi Jfun51,

I just started reading this new thread, but I can see you are so loving to your W. You have warm and caring thoughts for her well being. I struggle with having those feelings and having to stifle myself.

New day tomorrow. New challenges.

This is a good start! I lost that somewhere in the longevity of all of this. I need to keep up with people like you, who are taking the leap of faith, after all, does anyone really ever want to take the blue pill

best, dm

[uRworthy]

Dawn, you dont have to stifle those feelings. It is ok to have them.

Just dont let them keep you stuck. Dont let them dictate your actions.

[TSquared2]

I let her know I was concerned, she seemed disinterested, so I went on to watch a football game on tv. Just noticed that she has turned off her light and is apparently going to sleep. I don't think she had a great day, but wasn't interested in sharing with me.

Couple things here... The first bold part, my W HATED it when I was concerned, she told me that it made her feel like I was her parent...and trust me, you don't want to do anything to add to THAT perception!

So from now on, skip the concern statement, just express it via "oh, I'm sorry you feel that way, hope you feel better soon" etc. They just don't want it from us. Seriously dude, you are getting a pre-training drill for having teenagers.

The second bold statement, sounds like you are still focusing and expecting her to be as she used to be, or is that as you are used to her being?...you're getting better, but it's still affecting you. You'll know you are getting there (that detachment goal) when that statement doesn't even occur to you. How you are used to her being is gone right now, and may never come back fully, so you have to look at your interactions with her from beginner's mind...the past is called the past because it has passed. use the theater of your mind to find new ways of re-framing your interactions...I used a housemate with issues, the cashier at the kwiky-mart, an unknown sister, etc to let me along.

All that said, I do see some great progress in you, so keep going...I'm over 2 years into this phase 2 and I promise, it is absolutely, completely worth it, regardless of outcome, if you do the work.

Promise.