My last thread was locked before I had a chance to put this one in, but here's the link: Becoming Comfortably Numb
I am going to start from the beginning of my day. I could really use some advice.
Sigh. I really wanted to start my new thread happy.
Yesterday started off quite well. Was not as productive at work as I would have liked, but I am finally getting back into the groove although I realize now what a tremendous toll the last year has taken on my work performance.
Went over to my folks place for dinner, our weekly tradition. Dad saw the doctor the day before and his leg does not look good. There is a real possibility he may lose at least the foot. Right after saying that, I am told that all of my stuff that is in the house has to be removed because they may be looking to move to a more suitable house. And it was about time my stuff was taken out anyway.
Now, before I tell you what happened, I should say that the digs about my lack of enthusiasm in housekeeping matters are pretty much something I deal with every single time I visit or talk to them. The only stuff in the house were a few boxes and a book shelf in a room they never use. Yet, it was the biggest crime to have the stuff there and I know I should have just removed it long ago but it never seemed to be a priority with me.
In any event, by digging at me, I completely lost sight of the big issues - dad's leg and the fact that they were thinking of leaving my childhood home and how horrifying this must be to them - and ended up in a vicious screaming match with them. In the middle of it all, I remembered my DB'ing and tried to shut up and soften my voice, but my dad is like me - push, push and scream some more. The difference is that he gets very personal.
I am so embarrassed and revolted by my reaction to the news. Which I realize had nothing to do with anything except the bomb of more bad news on top of an area in my life where I can never measure up. And where they never let me forget it.
In order to calm myself down, I took all the boxes and threw them into the trunk.
We all calmed down after a bit. But I could barely speak. I owe them a huge apology and I will give it to them. But I am so torn up at how I reacted. It was so...wrong. Being picked at does not compare to what it is that my family is facing. I love my father but he will not let me forget this.
My reaction is the reason for the new thread title. I must learn to STFU. More self-control.
I shared this with everyone because I think the universe may be playing some sick joke on me. As you can imagine, I was feeling very down when I finally reached home and felt even worse as I looked around the apartment that was in such need of a clean.
I cancelled my plans with friends as I could not face anyone right then and turned off my phone. I cannot tell you how ashamed of myself I am for that mess.
As the phone was off, guess who called? AND left a message.
Of all the nights in the world. I have never been so grateful that I missed a call. I could not have handled it in my state of mind.
His message basically said that it has been a long time, he was unsure if he should call but that waiting to call was not going to make it any easier but he wanted to talk to me. He was unsure if I would tell him off for calling.
Here is where I can use some advice. What the big blow up illustrated to me is that I clearly need to reduce my stress level and get a grip. To focus on me and the things that are in the here and now.
I will respond to his voice mail somehow, but I am not sure how. I respect how hard it must have been for him to call me.
The thing is, I don't know WHY he is calling me and I am not in a good place to hear about GF or to get caught up in something right now. If GF is still in the picture, I really do not want anything to do with him. His words of last year haunt me: "She is the only one fighting for this friendship" Even if those words were untrue, I don't want to hear them again or any variation on that theme. Oh, my GF thought I should call you and make up. I know how paranoid that sounds and how negative. But I do not trust him.
I was thinking of texting him to say thanks for reaching out but that I have some family matters that need to be dealt with which require my attention for now.
The thing is, if he has any "bad" news for me, I just want to ask. Is now the time to say if GF is there, perhaps we should let this go already?
If anybody read this far, I could sure use some perspective and advice. I almost fell over when I heard his voice on my voice mail. But I really do not think I can handle any more drama right now.
Portia, I am so sorry that things went down hill last evening. The first thing you must do is take some time to relax and breathe. The second thing is to apologize to your family for blowing up. They do not understand the amount of stress that you've been under so you will need to explain to them that you have been dealing w/a lot of stress these days and their news hit you unexpectedly. I'm sure your father has a lot on his plate and I can't even imagine facing the news of his leg situation and then thinking about moving. That's a lot of stress too. So, you need to take some time out this weekend and smooth this over w/your family. It's important that you do so. Okay?
Now about the missed message from your pod person. I would text him when you feel a bit more relaxed and just tell him that you are sorry you missed his text and will get back to him to talk when things settle down a bit. That you have some personal family matters that need your attention. Portia, you've got enough on your plate and right now...I don't think you are up to being his sounding board. If he's got any sense left in his spongy brain, he'll respect what you've told him and wait for your text message.
Hang in there. I think you've been operating on over load for quite some time. Snapping at some point will happen at the most unexpected time.
Take care of yourself. I do worry about you. I will keep your father in my thoughts and prayers and hope that he'll get better news about his leg.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia - please do not beat yourself up too much - acknowledge what happened between two people both of whom are very stressed right now, for different reasons.
Job as ever has given wise advice.
You have been going through a very tough time, and your father's news would be a further shock for you too.
Portia, I was going to post on your previous thread, but it got locked. Here is what I wanted to post: I’ve been trying to analyze some of the things H does, including some texts. I understand that in our situations (long distance and almost no contact) this is the only thing that we have to even remotely imagine what is going on in our SO’s heads. Why do you think that his intention is to have all three of you to be friends? Why complications? I also doubt that GF, if she is still in the picture, would be thrilled about it.
So sorry about your Dad. I hope it will not come to the worst scenario for his leg. I understand how difficult it might be to be patient when you family is going through tough times, while you are dealing with such a pain in your own life. My parents are arriving next week for one month visit. I’m so not looking forward to this. I’m afraid that I’m going to blow up hard at the first word if they start to give me advice or criticize me.
I would feel the same way about the phone call, if I would be in a stress like that. However, I think I’m better prepared now compared to a few months ago, I think I can handle any news. Recently I’ve been trying to use this positive thinking method (from The Secret movie), so when I get a text or a voice mail, I imagine that the message is going to be good. At the same time I’m prepared for the worst. I think your idea of texting him and letting him know that you are busy right now, but you can talk later is a good idea. Give yourself some time and think positive.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I am sorry to hear of your Dad's news about his leg. This must stress him and the whole family. Couple this with your own troubles and stresses and the atmosphere must have been ripe for explosion.
Please treat yourself kindly Portia. You are only human and as such have limits. Be careful too, that in shutting up you don't bottle up. That's not a terrific long term solution. (Speaking from experience here)
Regarding the vm. Goodness, what timing. I think your plan of texting him and regrouping is excellent.
You aren't alone in the messy world either. It is something I struggle with as well. While my house will not be on hoarders anytime soon, it won't be on "House Beautiful" either. I have many strengths, but housekeeping isn't one of them. And that's ok. Its ok for you too honey. We don't have to be perfect, right?
Take care of yourself Portia.
Btw, do you ever cruise the alternet? Jaye DB was wondering...
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
As the phone was off, guess who called? AND left a message.
I give up, who was it? Tell us already!!!
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Portia, please visit a comedy club or watch a funny movie with a friend or even by yourself. It will do wonders for you during this oh so stressful period in your life.
My W has struggled a bit with the housekeeping. (and her Mom could have been on hoarders) It never kept me from loving the pants off her.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
So sorry about your dad's news. I really hope that it's not worse case and that drs can help him You're all under so much pressure these things can galore.
Take care of yourself Portia
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Thank you so much for coming to my rescue. Although this is the first opportunity I have had to post, I read your responses to me and they all meant a great deal.
Job, thank you for worrying about me. I think that you and Heather were so very right. I was on stress overload and never really realized it. Until someone hit a nerve.
Things are all smoothed over with the family. I took them for brunch today after a memorial service for all those who passed away this year, including my parent. It was a nice service. My father and I are two peas in a pod, really. We scream and yell and explode like two volcanoes but once it is over, it is over. I doubt either of us have held a grudge in our lives. The others are a bit different though. When dad and I fight, they clear the room.
They all took it for granted that the family news gave me a shock. I know the truth though. Someone hit a chink in the armour. Bright, I know exactly what you are saying. And isn't it funny that even though we are all grown up we still on some level crave our parents approval? I am no where near even close to being a hoarder but my mother was one of those people who could not relax if there was a dish in the sink. And sometimes I have two dishes in the sink AND a glass. Maybe even a fork. So the family has deemed me wanting. I know they love me but.......
In any event, more doctors appointments this week to work around. Thank you all again for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.
MizJ. No kidding about the timing of the phone call. Haven't heard from xSO other than random texts for the past eight months (I had to look it up) and he picks the night of the apocalypse to call. I listened to his VM again. It sounded like him but strangely, not. On the message he admitted his land line was no longer in service ( I knew that) but then tripped over giving me his cell number and actually gave me a wrong digit.
I took everyone's advice and sent a response via text. I basically said that I would use much stronger words if I was going to tell him "not to call" as he had said on the VM. I also said that this past year has been a difficult year for family and I and that I needed some time to deal with some new and recent news. Then I asked if there was any particular news he wanted to share.
A while later I got a response. He was sorry for our difficulties and had no particular news. He said "just think daily of the absence of dialogue between us, wanted to see if it could be moved in the other direction. ". Seriously. The absence of dialogue. On a positive note, at least he has noticed!
I have not responded but am glad I took the step back. I need to be in a better spot for this. Bright, I think the reason that I have the suspicion that he wants to be a happy threesome is because that is what he assumed would happen when he finally got around to telling me about GF. And he made a point of telling me how much she wanted to meet me since I was his BF. I was his BF but I was also a whole lot more. I doubt he told her that, though.
Even now that he has reached out a bit (I did say thanks for reaching out) I don't trust his intentions. Neither the VM or responding text from him were very contrite. Oh, he acknowledged that I might not want to speak to him but it sounded vaguely arrogant to my ears. IDK could be just me.
This week my goal is to try to bring down the stress level so that I don't get committed. I haven't got the time.
I am so glad that you have sorted it with your father. Yes, life is hard when others judge who you are by your housekeeping habits. My youngest son and his gf are messier than me, but you know - I do not care. MLC helps us to sort out what really matters, and a messy kitchen just isn't in the same league as a loving heart and being there for you!
As to your SO, I think most of them miss us (in their own weird way. I suspect that might even be true of my xh). They seem to entertain the strange notion that we can all hang out together and play happy families.
Of course I may be making an incorrect assumption in your SO's case, but it is certainly one of the stranger strands of MLC
One thing I have learned is that are not able to be contrite - that comes, if at all , a very long way down the line. I think they know they have screwed up royally, but they are so fragile that fully acknowledging the extent of the hurt they have caused is just beyond them.
I was mistaken to expect an apology. Not necessarily wrong to ask for one though!
(Speaking from experience here)
Take care of yourself Portia.
was wondering...