I'm very sorry to hear about your loss Nero. My condolences to you and your family.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU'RE KIND -
been sick as a dog (as luck would have it) so kind of out of comission. i cannot ever remember getting an actual "flu" kind of thing- fever and all. it is not pleasant being sick- kept thinking of my mom and being old and realizing that no matter how rotten you feel today- you will never feel better!!! poor thing-
eeeek- it's got to be very hard to get old graciously.
that in mind- i am (as usual) trying to keep in forefront of mind - that i need to be always mindful that any day could be the last- find the pleasure in each one ( - there's always "something" to be glad for in any day) and so on. well- just reinforcing what's become my usual m.o. i guess- still a work in progress here. some days harder than others- it's the outlook thing-
h went back to fla fri. - he really hung in there for past month or so - thru mom's final days, i was surprised. he was v good with her & hand-holding. she liked him alot and it was important to her- and i appreciated it alot too. it was good to have someone here with me at home also.
he left tho, and I just don't want to talk to him. idk what is going on with me "exactly" - i just do not have anything to share with this guy that goes back to his life and ow - i haven't picked up the phone in three or four days since he left. just don't want to make like it's okay in my life - just don't have the energy to try.
i'm thinking i should just go with my gut and stay mum. maybe when i'm feeling more my old self - i'll be all able to act as if I am my old self.
i keep wondering if now that this GIANT "JOB" i had in life is done i will somehow magically arrive at some "other place" in my life/mentality and this w hole mlc crappola with h.??? so far i just feel tired but okay that i think i did see it thru okay- she was in her own home- nothing terrible happened along the way - she's gone to meet her maker and i think was okay with it all. she & i were "okay" - all the hostility sure goes out the window when you're just sick and dyng and cruising out of life...
i don't see that any of this all would affect h- i'm talking about me - inside. do not know what is perking around in there- my brain - (if i ever stop coughing long enough to "here" anhything???).
fingers crossed huh?
(well- will & estate, etc is still my job-) but it's nothing compared to helping another person live & die (sort of thing). this is just money and stuff and really, "crappola" - my sisters are a mixed bag of greed & hostility- so far- i just don 't care. hope my detachment continues and think it will. compared to mom's death- this stuff just doesn't matter - really..."cleanup" huh?
so- just thought i'd check in- say thanks - & still here - and hope you guys are all doing okay as well- i need to go find some cough medicine & tissue- will read around when i can find a minute.
Nero, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. That bug is hitting many of the schools in my area and the coughing is terrible. Please take this time to get plenty of rest. You've had to deal w/a lot of stress and tension over the last couple of years, but more so in the last few months. Your body is telling you to slow down and let it rest a bit.
I wouldn't call your h while you are feeling ill. You aren't strong enough mentally, emotionally or physically right now to deal w/him and BS.
Death tends to bring out the evil in people, especially if they are family members "expecting" to get something from the estate. Don't take it personally if your family members become very greedy during the time of the reading of the will and splitting up the belongings, etc.
Please take care of yourself. For now, be greedy and do for you, for a change.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You have my sympathies on the loss of your mother. I know losing my own was a hard thing, and some moments it still is even though 8 years have passed. I'm sending you best wishes and hugs.
PS. You definitely have enough going on between getting well and your mother's estate that you needn't throw your H in the mix! Take care of Nero!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
yeah- this darn cold. still coughing- but a bit more energy and even had some enthusiasm yesterday - yay. it's been such a long time -
i ended up picking up the phone one day- he's being pleasant and neutral. i kind of feel better after talking to him - thinking there's "someone" in my life (even someone that is not what & who i thought they were - probably ever). i sure am having a very hard time breaking the "mental habit" of h.
oh well- it's kind of just "there" in my life - like needing to really watch how much saturated fat i eat- an ongoing, naggie, little thing i have to acknowledge & "deal with" in order to have a successful (& healthy) life i guess. did that make sense?
so- he is gone for 2.5 wks - and is planning a trip when he comes back- three or four days. we have a good time when we travel- but honestly- in my mind & heart- it alllllllll doesn't "count". if he's all immersed in whatever is his deal with ow-
so - as i say that- i just don't even feel like expounding- i just don't have anything to think about it anymore. it makes me tired- & i feel empty-ish still. just in general , in life, but it's waaay better than in pain or unhappiness- soooo, here's me- floating along totally neutral....
wonder where i'll "land" - life - it's soooooo unknowable all the time and i wouldn't have wanted to know what all has transpired in the past ten or so years. (i woulde have croaked from dread if i knew what was coming) what an amazing sh!tshow my little (simple & reliable) life has been!
i am grateful today to be alive and interested in vacuuming this dustball of a house. wouldja ever think just feeling like vacuuming and tidying up would be a pleasabnt surprise? not me-
thanks for checking in- i think i'm past some big point with the dbing- don't know exactly what- can't guess, don't care-
I'm recovering from pneumonia. I totally get the slow recovery.
I hear something different from you Nero. You sound more focused on Nero and not so focused on the pain, hurt and so forth. Sounds like detachment to me :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
thanks for note- thanks for "friend" - it feels like it doesn't it? being friends - and it's very nice to think we "know" each other out there- well, it's just a happy thoutht.
i hope you're recuperating okay- i feel tired still and impatient about that (ha! like who am i to demand immediate recuperation?) i feel my age today (63) but still kind of feel young (having watched mom 89) for all these years.
perspective huh? anyway-
thanks for sayin you think i'm sounding a bit 'detached". i'll take it. i only thought it was exhaustion- maybe, just maybe, i'm gettin somewhere here.
we live in hope- rite. glad yo7u're out there today- hope your day is good and you feel better soon.
it's such a drag isn't it- coughing? *(makes me glad to be alive tho, and th ink of my mother and old old people who when they feel rotten, know they will never feel better again.... that's got to really stink huh?)
xxoo i'm gong to go accomplish someting (small that is- something small but worthwhile) and pretty...
maybe creative- maybe i'm going to just enjoy this day....
maybe watching someone die so sadly & painfully & recently really drives the point home of how much total crappola allllll this junk is in life that we suffer over. some is important - like our broken hearts - but at the same time- sooo much (this mlc mess too) -it's all such total sh!t isn't it??? it's sooo sad what people do to each other- and why...
oh well- can't fix the world or even me today- not gonna try anymore. thank you and drive thru please ...
know what i mean?
(was just reading making magic thread- what the heck is going on over there? she sure gets a ton of flack from people-
glad it's not me, i'd have to issue a little statement of - uh hem, thank you everyone and go drop dead. i'm workin on it here- ...... i never said i was perfect, just human , holy cow huh?
So glad you checked in!! I have been away for a bit, too.
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. And worse, to witness how the vultures descend on the estate. I went through that very same thing. How shocked I was to find my uncle in the house with his daughters picking through the drawers not a day after the funeral. Seriously made me sick to my stomach. Plowing though was the only way through.
Kinda like this MLC stuff, really.
I was also glad to read that your H was at least there for you. The disappearance of my x-SO was really hard to take at a time when really, I could have used another friend. Just that, a friend. Instead, he bolted. The "mental habit" is really hard to break. Even after all this time when something happens, I think first of xSO.
portia - you know, it is sickening when people act with such total disregard for those around them. your uncle- in his self-absorption he probably didn't even know you existed - people - wtf?????
my sisters- i don't think they can imagine for one moment what their words or acts mean to someone else.
i may have ranted like a nutball about my mom- but she was a HUGE part of my life as well. *(what else WOULD make ya rant like a nutball- i'm just sayin).
that it's not a GIANT EMPTY HOLE in amyone's life but mine- i do get it. i'm not stupid. it's all just a shame tho- i couldn't save her from that tho either- her other kids. her r with them was what it was- if they only cared for a few days at the end - instead of regularly in life- how could i have changed that? i'm just sayin...
angry sis and greedy sis- wtf? i just do not care bout them or what they think now- it's allllll over anyway rite? poor old mom is gone - and once her estate is over they will never have to hear my voice or see my stupid face if they choose not to. i am not going to be pursuing anyone in this family.
i'm glad for my one sister & that r & my neices & friends. i'm lucky there.
ANYWAY- i'm just thinking what a wierd place i feel like i am- kind of floating above it all - life. can't put it better. not involved kind of- not caring - not even feeling like "participating" or giving a darn even what is going on in my own life. just existing here outside it all-
it's very unusual feeling for me. i think my whole life other peoples' happiness came first - (seemed more pressing & crucial) it just was the way i was raised maybe - or just am - and now, i kind of feel like i've given it alllllll away. nothing left inside there. between h & mom - everyone just pulling out of my life- i'm just floating along like a baloon full of nothin in particular- is it good or bad?????
will be interesting to see where i land with this all. today i can't even think it over-
just noticing how done i feel-
i guess a standard reaction to watching some one die maybe? i thought for so long she had so much longer to go- good heart & lungs - big worry was if the dementia would consume her(life) - and then, ka bam - cancer & gone. you sure never do know - do you??? (even when you THINK you have a handle on what is going on) ...
so get this- i find myself thinking sometimes - 89, too young. what planet have i been lving on???
it's a strange and unknowable old life. i miss caring alot about everyone & every thing. maybe it's good? to take a step away - idk-i don't want to be old and crusty and icky and selfish. fingers crossed for some feeling to return here- i need to get back to happy luckky girl-
Nero - you will get back to happy - you have a big loss, and a hugely difficult situation. My mom died right before bomb drop, and dealing alone with grief is very hard.
If your sisters are too self involved to care for you, sadly I think you are better off without them.
You are a great person, and your posts, even when sad, are always good to read.
