Had an IC session today- my counselor thinks I should just move on and push the divorce through as quickly as possible.
Reasoning is- WAS does not see/acknowledge any of her contribution to demise of the marriage, puts it squarely on me
She is cake-eating, I called her to ask about her mail. She emailed me (some lame excuse about not having service where she is to be able to call me back) that she's out of town right now. She's traveling/visiting people, I'm left to worry about all house/dog upkeep, expenses, care. If I push the D through, she would only come back to me because she wants to, not out of a fear of losing medical/dental benefits and financial backing which is how I'm starting to feel at this point.
MIL will forever be in our bed, even if we reconcile. W's unhealthy attachment (our opinion) to her mother will forever be a major sticking point in any future relationship. W was assaulted in college, and mother was there for her big time. I understand the attachment, but it's not a healthy parent/child relationship today. It's too close, best friend relationship, nothing I told W was sacred. No marital confidentiality.
Anyway, this got me thinking to some extent, he is right. The family will never look at me the same again, MIL will be impossible obstacle to overcome, FIL does not stand up to his wife and is emasculated. I will not be able to earn respect/trust from this family again, the dynamic is forever altered.
I know a lot of this is focusing on her, and her family. I am addressing my issues at counseling as well. I am striving to come out of this a better person. I am much better as a person than I was 2.5 months ago.
What thoughts have you had regarding your situations when you just think of giving up and what prompts you to keep trying in the face of adversity?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I totally understand the "non-sacredness" bc she's telling her mother things...my H has told his sister a lot. I even saw he forwarded on of my emails to her. The sharing is the one thingg that makes me really angry b/c I am a private person and I have not bad mouthed my H to anyone...everyone I have talked to about my sitch, I only tell my wrongs...not his.
BUT you are right the dynamics b/n her family and you MAY for ever be changed (if they are not mature and forgiving people)....but that is a risk you have to be willing to take. I know if my H did ever come back it would be me and him against the world b/c my parents, who treated him as their own, have wiped their hands of him. My brother thinks he's a joke and they would definitely think I was a fool to go back to him. And I definitely would not want to be around his sister for some time. But my love for him is that strong that if we reconciled I would be willing to step away from everyone who didn't support.
I've had many thoughts of just giving up even today....b/c honestly sometimes I don't even care anymore.
Instead I decide to keep faith God will work this marriage out on my behalf...and even if it doesn't work in my favor....I will be better for going through the fire until the end.
My H wants out, let him do all the research and work to do so. The ending of the marriage will be on his hands not mine.
Seeing as you were the bread winner its a different dynamic to have a W who says she doesnt "want" you but still "needs" you financially. I can see how that would be a hard thing to deal with. Where as my H doesn't want me or need me lol...if your W wants to go she does have to put her big girl pants on at some point and start taking care of her self. Have her parents "spolied" her in a way? Has she ever been on her own and had to take care of herself 100?
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
if your W wants to go she does have to put her big girl pants on at some point and start taking care of her self. Have her parents "spolied" her in a way? Has she ever been on her own and had to take care of herself 100?
She is majorly spoiled, but she gets that thought of normalcy from watching her parents. Her mom does not work, and hasn't for year. Her mom's occupation is really professional shopper. I think that's what my wife wants too. Her father has always worked very hard, and has diligently put away money saving and investing. The mother has no clue on these matters, but likes to brag about their financial position, that she had no planning or input on.
My wife has never had to cover 100% of expenses. Even after she graduated college and lived on her own, parents still had her on their health insurance, paid her car insurance and cell phone, etc. Of course she is living with them now, but still feels the need to buy $100+ worth of groceries a week on our credit card. I've been getting by on less than $50 a week on groceries and my mom isn't making me breakfast/lunch/dinner every night.
So to answer your question, she is a seasonal worker, with no benefits or retirement plan who will live with her parents, because her salary would not be enough to afford an apartment and her accustomed lifestyle. She has the ability to have a full time job with benefits, she just enjoys her seasonal job. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it, but it's a choice, and up until this point, she has not had to deal with being 100% independent. I don't think us divorcing is going to change that, mommy and daddy will definitely step in. Years ago, they tried to bribe her to move back home by telling her they would buy her a Jaguar or something. So I don't think she'll be hurting too bad without me.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Had an IC session today- my counselor thinks I should just move on and push the divorce through as quickly as possible.
I think he's being unrealistic to expect your W to change this quickly, it's barely been two months since you S'd. Things don't happen that fast.
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Reasoning is- WAS does not see/acknowledge any of her contribution to demise of the marriage, puts it squarely on me
Standard part of the WAS routine. It's going to be many months or even a year more more before your W starts owning her mistakes.
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What thoughts have you had regarding your situations when you just think of giving up and what prompts you to keep trying in the face of adversity?
Well keep in mind that we're working on us, not the marriage per se. We work on us in the hopes that it will indirectly affect our spouse and the M. If you're working on you, then that's not something you ever give up on. If you mean just totally walk away from the M and decide you're going to pursue a new R, well that's your choice of course and how long you stand before doing that is purely up to you. Some people give up after a couple of weeks, others after a few months. Some stand for years. I have done a bit of dating and let me tell you, there's nothing like dating to remind you just how difficult it is to "sync" with someone! In my opinion it's a lot easier to keep standing than it is to try and build a new R with a new person, LOL!
What thoughts have you had regarding your situations when you just think of giving up and what prompts you to keep trying in the face of adversity?
In my case the kids and our financial situation were powerful motivators to keep trying. If we had no kids, I believe I would have moved on by now.
I listen to a good radio therapist and the issue of family versus spouse often arises in new marriages where a person is torn between what their family wants and what their spouse wants.
The therapist is very clear on this -- the spouse *must* come first. It is incumbent upon a spouse to stand with their spouse and push back on their family, full stop.
If you do get back together, this is definitely something you'll have to address. It is inappropriate for your wife to share things with her mother that you have said in confidence.
That said, your initial post on this thread was written with a lot of finality -- things will be this way "forever", this dynamic will "never" change, etc.
Really, anything can change given the proper motivation, so none of these issues are insurmountable, but they might be very *hard* to change, or might take a lot of time to change, and you need to assess if it's worth it to go through that or not.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks for the insight all, I'm trying to process the situation to the best of my ability. I am attending an event this weekend, and wanted to send the following email to W to give her the option to go. Is it pursuing or just stating that I will be there and she's welcome to join? How would you modify it?
Hey W,
One of X's books was made into a Christmas movie. The turnout for this opening weekend determines how many cities it will be shown in across the U.S. I am going to go and support this ministry and wanted to let you know when I would be there in the event you would like to support it as well.
I am going to get a delicious pizza and pizookie at BJ's near the Palladium on Sunday night around 6:15 pm and then am going to the 7:15 pm showing of The Christmas Candle at the Palladium. You are welcome to join me for either of these, it would be a great way to support spreading a Christian Christmas message in the U.S. You can learn more here- "link to movie website"
This is an open invitation, there's no need to let me know if you can/can't make it. Feel free to join if you'd like and support Max's ministry.
Along those lines, I regularly attend the 5:00 pm Saturday evening service if you ever get the chance/would like to join me there as well.
H
2X4 time?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
You've had a lot of contact with her lately.... I believe you said a day or so ago that you called her about more mail and she didn't answer....
Time to give her space for a while.
If she had her card sent to house instead of her parents house its her responsibility to inquire as she should know when to expect it.
As 2stubborn said, go to the event with friends or solo. I wouldn't send the email to her. Next time you talk to her you can tell her about the event and how great it was and maybe she'll wish she was in contact with you more to find out about these things. I'd say Let her be the one to contact you next, unless its an emergency/very important matter.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
You have received a lot of great advice here. It really is way too early for your W to accept any responsibility. I have been at this longer and I am still waiting. Mine has only gone so far as to say she is messed up. While they may not be accepting responsibility right now, that does not mean they won't accept responsibility in the future. (I believe that will be an important first step to reconciling.) I can also add that my IC says it is up to me how long I am willing to wait. He would not recommended waiting indefinitely, but he also wouldn't put a date on it.
Some of your contact does seem like pursuing. At this early stage, I can tell you it will probably be unwelcomed. Your W's response (if any), is only likely to disappoint. We all want to believe that our situation/spouse is different, but we just end up learning the hard way that there is a pattern and that nothing will change or be fixed quickly. Generally speaking (although there are no absolutes), I wouldn't call unless called (and then not right away); don't email unless she emails first; don't always be available; don't try to extend conversations; and avoid being the last person to respond.
FYI, it is best to avoid descriptions that include always and never. Life is full of exceptions, and you can probably name a few.
Ok, will stop contacting her, once I get my car back and give her back her 12 year old POS that I'm driving. Also, I was a law enforcement officer before, and somehow in the move, a bunch of ammo I had got left at her parents house. So awkward, but I asked for that back as well since it's my responsibility. I need to get those two items, then I'll leave her be.
Thanks for the thoughts all.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
