Lou and Pud - thank you so much for your advise. You are right. I just need yo focus on acting how I want to act without any concern for how H may react. I know that I need to work on my confidence and assertiveness. I also need yo work on not letting H affect me in either a positive or negative way. I love being able to come to this board, write about my confusion and know people will be here to provide advice. Spending too much time with H and the holiday season makes me crazy because it feels normal and comfortable. I want to erase any remaining awkwardness but can't because of the OW. I need to remain patient.
3 - I flirted with my W like crazy even before I knew that OM was a big ugly dork. However, I was very selective and only referred to stuff that was like an inside joke because I knew she'd remember it, and most of the time it worked.
But just as important: I also wore the pants that she said were crazy sexy, wore the blue shirt she got me that she said made my eyes so blue it made her weak at the knees, got skinny, got a great haircut, etc.
Thanks JonF. I have been working hard to make sure that I am always looking my best, not only for H but for myself. I have pretty much been pregnant or recovering from being pregnant for the past six years. But I am at my lowest weight since I met H 15 years ago. I am in good shape. I have started to buy new clothes since I am at my goal weight. I got new makeup (and learned how to apply it). Started doing my hair differently in order to mix things up. I know that H has noticed the changes. But more importantly, I feel great. H slowly chipped away at my self esteem over the past couple years. I am not going to let him control my view of myself anymore.
H come over to the house last night to finish hanging the outside lights. He did not come in. I did not even realize that he was outside for a while, but saw his car as I was putting the kids to bed. I saw him pull away and sit in front of the house in his car for a while. I wondered what he was thinking/feeling as he sat outside our home knowing that we were all inside together enjoying our evening and he was outside alone. I guess that H must really have been hurt in our M to be ok with it and to think that this is his only option.
H also sent an email asking if he could hide our Elf on the Shelf on his nights with the kids. H has always done this for the kids and I can see that he is missing it this year. I have been pretty creative so far and has gotten a good laugh at my hiding spots. I am planning to tell him that he can do it on his nights. I don't want to be angry and refuse to let him do it and force him into getting his own place. I don't want to go down that path.
Today, I am proud of myself and H. We have been working together to pick out Christmas gifts for the kids. In the past, H never paid attention. I would ask for input and he would not respond or look quickly or just say whatever you want.
The other day, H said that he wanted to be in a marriage with a wife who is his partner. I told him that I understood wanting to be a partner and have a teammate. I did not argue with him about the fact that we could not be partners because he was MIA and did not pay attention. I took on the whole "better to be happy than right" approach. I can see why he would think that I was not a partner and/or that my opinion mattered more.
This Christmas, H has been asking me about gifts IN ADVANCE (he is a huge procrastinator). H looked online and sent me a long list of ideas for the boys. H just sent me a message at work and asked if I saw his list. I had been busy with work and did not have a chance to respond to his email but let him know that I got it. H said that he is really excited about the things that we had both picked out.
Even if we are just co-parenting, it feels awesome to be on H's team again. We are both working hard to make sure that our kiddos have a great Christmas. We are listening to each others opinions, bouncing ideas off each other. A very sharp contrast to the two very angry people that could not stand in the same room together at the beginning of October.
Thanks SIAS! Intellectually I know what I need to do. It is just putting it into practice that is hard. That is why I love coming to this forum and getting some reminders to slow myself down.
First off, that sounds like a really positive convo you had the other day! You handled it so well, and should be proud!
It certainly sounds like your H is turning back into the H you know and love - or maybe even better. Keep it up with your boundaries and your awesome DBing, you are doing so well!
Oh, and about the flirting - I agree with the others. If you are just not a flirter, and have no desire to be one, then no, I wouldn't flirt. I think it would be awkward for you and he probably wouldn't buy it anyway. But I am sure that you have flirted with your H before . . . maybe in a more subtle way. Make inside jokes with him, be light and happy. I think you are already doing that. It sounds like he is beginning to appreciate you for who you are.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I am not sure why, but i had an uneasy, sad feeling all day. I realized that after spending more time last week with H due to the holiday and it feeling "normal", I was not enforcing the boundaries and backsliding in the detachment process. I caught myself the past few days allowing H's emotions and actions to affect my own. I don't want to go there because I know I will get hurt. Back to focusing on myself.
My IC reminded me tonight to be proud of myself for how strong I have become over the past few months and for the progress I have made. She said "I hope that you realize that some people never get to this place in their lifetime." I really am proud of myself. I was a total disaster five months ago. I know that my progress would have not been possible if I had not found this forum- thank you all!
I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.
How familiar does that sound - feeling uneasy and sad all day! Who knows what makes it happen . . . for me I think it is a feeling of vulnerability. And that makes sense when you realize that you were once again letting H control your emotions. That is a scary place to be.
I love what your IC said, and you should be proud of yourself! I sometimes think about the people on this forum, and how smart and strong they all are. Based on the way I have heard many, many people IRL talk about their ex spouses, I think that those who choose to travel this road with integrity and use it as an opportunity for self improvement are a rare (and impressive) breed.
So I'm clinking my glass to you, 3, and here's hoping for a better day for all of us tomorrow!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
