The first line is do everything before the Last Resort Technique, which can end your relationship, but many folks with a spouse in an affair find themselves here.
When you can absolutely take no more, but you would entertain serious effort on the part of your partner, there is the After The Last Resort Technique. Realize that the Last Resort Technique AND the After The Last Resort Technique can end your marriage.
Many of our longstanding members advocate extreme measures that worked for them, even though we at divorcebusting.com do not. We do not officially publish or recommend them because the same measures can end your marriage.
Divorce Busting, the upgrade, Divorce Remedy; and Keeping Love Alive; offer many options to try long before the drastic measures of the LRT or the ALRT.
I would say it depends on what you are trying to achieve, and at what cost you are willing to pay to achieve it.
There are those who are willing to keep things quiet and allow their spouse the time and spouse to see if they make the right choice. And if not, the lbs moves on.
And then there are those who have a need be right, even if it destroys the bridges back to the marriage.
No single way is better for all people or all situations. But I think there are a few things that we can deduce which is what dbmod is suggesting. Those things are....
Exposing and letting the truth be known as you suggest will at the minimum cause the wayward much shame. Since at the time of actively cheating they are already proving they are very detached from their spouse, and probably don't respect their spouse or the marriage, it is probably safe to deduce that the exposure would be the nail in the coffin more often than not.
Allowing some time to pass increases the chance that the person would have second thoughts, and if not then the marriage was over anyway. No extra harm done to the mother oOr the father of your children, and therefore no more harm done to the children.
This is just my opinion, and I think DB principles make sense and offer a good chance of a correction in the marriage.
Exposure does work in some instances. I think it depends on the character of the spouse in question and their social circle. In my case, a lot of ny wifes family and friends know what happened and don't seem to particularly mind so had I done the exposure myself, I would have probably looked like a whining fool.
Perhaps if your spouse is a prominent person in the community, or is overly religious etc. Then exposure to people of influence may bring good results.
But generally speaking i think exposure, if it worked, would result in a reconcilluation based on shame not second thoughts. And I would bet on a repeat offense down the line, only next time they will plan it better so as to look like there was an exit from the marriage FIRST then there was an OP.
Just my two cents
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
"Exposing and letting the truth be known as you suggest will at the minimum cause the wayward much shame."
The "Cause" of the shame is the behavior, NOT the exposure.
Personally, I spent too much time trying to manipulate my W into coming back. It was emotionally draining and ineffective. If that is what you are trying to accomplish through exposure, then it is probably not a good strategy.
But, there are a number of other purposes for exposing an affair. Maybe it is to defend you're reputation against lies the spouse is telling. Maybe it is to bring a bad living situation to a head so necessary changes can be made. Maybe there is another party who has a right to know the situation.
Regardless, the exposure is not the source of the shame, and the person being exposed is not a victim.
Yes this is true. But exposure doesn't leave much room for remorse because the shaming will bring anger.
Remorse happens after the person has time to think about what hapoened.
But yes, the cheater is not a victim. And the shame is due to the act. But again, do you want to be right, or do you want to hopefully be married again someday?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I have been given the advice to expose to everyone he knows not here at DB but else where and my gut tells me exactly what has been written here. If I do that then there is no way back. The shame would bring anger long lastibg anger and quite squarely set at me. At the moment while I can see I irritate him I can also see he is uncomfortable with himself and all I am doing is being ... what am I being ? Not a door mat, I have said I am hurt, and betrayed. H e used the old cliche The marriage has been over for a long time, the timing of the affair was a coin idence...I guess this is a truth he can live with at the moment. I keep reminding myself I can not control him...or MAKE him do or feel anything except make him angry and feel angry- that I can do but that is not a way forward.
So very badly , I think, I am not handling this well at all, I am trying to give him a space to come back. He will be ashamed if he does reconcile or even try to reconcile. Making him feel worse is only a petty satisfaction for me and will only leave bitter anger which is hard to overcome. At the moment is does not look hopeful, he withdraws more and more from me just withdraw less and less contact.. won't allow me to visit. Seems like he has to remember that he has decided I should not visit. He looked, for a split second happy then quickly remembered and went back to You don't like that town so don't come over.
But the point is I can live in my own skin. at the end of the day I have done nothing to hurt him or make the sitch worse. If it ends badly there will be nothing I need to be ashamed about. I acted honourably and stayed true to my principles. I love him even though he said he does not feel anything for me. My purpose is not to make him more unhappy. That is revenge and below me.. sorry for the rant..I am actually sorting that out in head as I write.
//do you want to be right, or do you want to hopefully be married again someday?//
Both. I want (make that demand) to be married to someone who understands what is right. If you're current spouse doesn't get this, it may be time for a change in spouses.
Does "Exposure" help them get it faster? Does secrecy give them time for remorse so they get this on their own? Will you're spouse ever get it? Are you willing to endure the emotional pain, and do you have the patience to wait for them to get it?
I don't know. These are tough questions.
In my personal case, the choices my W made were clear to everyone in our close circle of friends and family. It didn't require "Exposure", people saw what was going on. For a set of friends outside of our close circle, I wrote a FB message outing my W's affair.
You are right, the result was anger, not remorse. My W's heart hardened, she came to view our relationship as adversarial. Her pride kicked in. She viewed following through on her choices and making them work as "Winning" and giving in to family pressure and reconciling as "Losing". The road home was very bumpy.
Tactically, exposure forces the person to make a choice and dig in on that choice. You have no control over the choice a person makes. It very well may doom you're marriage. Depending on you're spouse's true heart, that may not be a bad thing.
Just for the record, I regret exposing my W's affair, and if I had to do it over again, I would keep it private. Of course, that is easy to say in hindsight when you are not dealing with the emotions of another man sleeping with you're W.
Instead of exposure, I should have instituted firmer boundary's. I simply should have said that the affair needs to end immediately, or I will file immediately. Yes, this is an ultimatum. But at some point, you need to have enough respect for yourself to set legitimate boundaries. For me, a marriage where you're spouse is actively having an affair is not acceptable.
he has said nothing.. just less and less contact Said he was seing some one else.. but there are only 3 people who know.. him her and ME!!!! really... no talk of divorce, or proper separation.. we were living apart for work so that sort of covers that question for anyone who asks No one at work needs to know he said, did nt tell his sister.. parents tell you what if I ws in her shoes i would be feeling rather used ???? but then she does have a husband and three children who she still lives with so maybe she doesn't have my moral standards. . but a friendlier telephone conversation today.. initiated by me.. he seemed OK with it not as irritated as lst time . I started it and I finished it and he wrote himself a note to ring sunday night ( wrote a note ?????? what on earth is happening in his head?) he asked when he should come home next ??? really the answer is every bloody weekend but then i said let me think about when would work for me
So if I had outed him on FB or called his friends and family.. would we be having any friendly conversations?ß I don't think so and while he has not made any plans for anything formal between us and I sense the fun of the affair could be fading.. then swallowing my pride for the moment is a way forward Eventually if we reconcile there will be different conversations
so the place where I live is still limbo.. and yes it is an undesirable neighbourhood.
Loualea, I really feel for you. There is no easy answer. Based on the situation you are describing, I cannot see what would be gained in exposing the affair.
Exposure would make reconciliation very difficult if not impossible, and that is clearly what you want. Don't do it!
I do, however, wish I communicated my standards to my W more directly and clearer. I thought DBing was about empathy and understanding you're spouse. I thought it was about forgiveness. It is about these things, but in my case, I confused them with tolerance. I see absolutely no reason for anyone to tolerate, or ignore an affair.
When you're H asks "When should I come home". The answer should be straight forward and direct:
"Not until the affair ends and you are serious about repairing this marriage. I will not tolerate having a relationship with someone involved in an affair"
I know how thought this can be. You don't want to believe the person you love is treating you this way, or would honestly choose a fragile new shallow relationship over you're deep mature relationship. You hope that they will see how understanding you are being and reciprocate that understanding.
This is not the reality. Right now they are thinking only of themselves. They are convinced that there is no future with you. They see no value in you as a person. They are mentally doing everything they can to justify their behavior by devaluing you. This is the reality.
You cannot have a relationship with someone in this frame of mind. You need to establish firm clear boundary's, communicate them and enforce them.
If I had done this up front, my marriage probably would still have failed. But, it would have moved in that direction sooner, and I would have saved myself a tremendous amount of heartache.
Again, I feel for you. And regardless of what you do, don't be too hard on yourself. You are not driving this bus.
Gabbysmom, this thread may not be the right place for this comment, but in a lot of ways it is. Have you thought about finding a way to let go of your anger?
All your posts and advice to people has this anger undertone, and you just made it clear why. You would ve loved to tell the whole world what your husband did, and tarnish his image in the worst possible way. You feel victimized, and I agree that you are (we all are in many ways) but tha is no way to live.
If you knew you were too angry to ever reconcille, which it sounds like is your general view on cheating, then why did you expose a all? Was it revenge? Does it make you feel better?
If you never intended on reconcilling then you know who pays the biggest price for your revenge tactic? Not your ex, but your daughter. She is the one that has to live with the new image of her father.
Let go of the anger.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
