on the edge pt 2

[sayitaintso]

Nice Dingo, best of luck.

[dingo]

Well guys - I think I am giving up the fight and pushing ahead with the D. After helping her and a couple of her friends move her furniture out of her house and listening to her tell me: "don't worry, I'm only moving the stuff I absolutely need in case I decide to come back" and "I am committed to giving us a chance and promise to stay away from the OM" all night, I found out that she spent the night at his place.

I spoke with her about it this morning and told her that she obviously had lied to me about her intentions regarding the separation and by saying the things she had said the previous night. She told me that she did really want to try to see if the separation could help our marriage but also wanted to explore the other relationship. Also that her feelings were stronger for him right now so she decided she couldnt do no contact. I told her that was not what we had agreed to regarding the separation and that she needed to process the papers she was served.

This may seem reactive and impulsive but I will not be plan B and don't want to put myself through a separation where I abide by the agreement and she doesn't. I feel like I have been manipulated and stepped on. She has zero respect for me and probably very little respect for herself.

[jp787]

Dingo,

Your getting great advice.
The only thing I would add or say is drop the D. Just drop everything and focus on you. Pushing for a D wont help.

Listen to what your W says, but don't change the course. You have to have patience for this.

re-read what Sandi and CL have said.

[dingo]

arghh JP - I am trying to have patience man, I really am. I am just really struggling with the part of being assertive but not controlling or loving but not submissive. Every single interaction seems to backfire. Either one of us gets angry or feels manipulated.

I am not sure what else there is to be patient for. I have been working on me. I have made a lot of positive changes to my life. I dare say if I could start over with a completely blank slate, I would knock my wife's socks off. The problem is that she's stuck on the past and stuck on the OM. Convinced that he's better for her than I am - to the point where she would chose to lose me instead of losing him.

In another thread, people are talking about self respect and humiliation. Yesterday, I helped my wife and her friend move all of her heavy furniture out of our house and into her apartment. We had a relatively good time (as good a time as that situation allows) and I put on a cheery face and PMA even though I was devastated. Then after we finished, I went home and the OM and her friend's boyfriend met them out for dinner. Then of course, she went and spent the night at the OMs. How humiliating is that and how much dignity do I show if I stand for it? How much respect for me does she have? My wife didn't even have the grace to thank me for helping move her [censored] out of our house.

Why should I stand to be treated this way from someone who pledged that she was committed to using this separation as a way to focus on her marriage and to have zero contact and then hours later proved that to be a lie?

I guess I am at the point where, while I do love her, I don't think there is a way for us to be together anymore. So much damage has been done and I think she is just looking for a way out. There is always a next one to apply the lessons learned from the previous on.

I don't mean to sound hopeless - just trying to be realistic. I think I stand a better chance of happiness by just moving on.

[dingo]

Sandi - in another thread you posted:

"A woman has to respect her H as a man before she can feel sexual attraction to him. If he will let her show disrespect for him by the way she speaks and her attitude toward him (especially in front of their kids and other people), then she will begin to feel contempt and she will get mean. She keeps pushing his boundaries b/c she keeps hoping he will find the guts to stand up to her. I don't even know that every woman is aware she is "testing" her H at that time, but I believe every woman's behavior will ultimately get worse toward a H who becomes a door mat. Being passive does not keep the peace in a MR. It destroys passion and eventually it will destroy her love for him b/c she has no respect for him."

Obviously I am having a very hard time with this. While I haven't cried, my wife has experienced me rationalizing, begging, coercing and forgiving her steps across our relationship boundaries. I feel like I have done a pretty poor job by doing all of that but she has always held the divorce card as her trump - knowing that I don't want that. Is she saying that she really wants me to give her a divorce? That seems to be the only thing I can do to stand up to her at this point.

You gave me 'go dark' advice and as soon as this damn moving week is over, thats exactly what I plan to do. I know its never too late until the papers are signed but how does she ever gain respect for me knowing that I know she is continuing to contact the OM and not kicking her ass out the door?

[completelylost]

Hey Bud, calm down... Was that disrepsectful yes, no doubt. Evict the D word from your vocab. STEP back, WAY back. Like I said before I know it hurts, it's a pain like no other. You have to let her go dingo... You are competing with an idea, you can't win that. I don't know what your belief system is but I believe wholeheartedly in God and I know that he is my hope and that's where I start with everything. Pray for your W, don't engage her, pray for her! Pray for you, pray for your M. Yor M can be restored, but you have to let go 1st. If you believe in God here's a prayer I pray all the time:

For you...

“LORD, I CONFESS ANY TIME that I have ever considered divorce in my mind or have uttered that word to my husband (wife), friends, or family members in regard to my marriage. Whenever I have thought of divorce as an option or a way out of our problems, I ask You to forgive me, for I know it displeases You. I know You hate divorce and it grieves Your Spirit, so I pray that You would help me to never do that again from this day forward “I reject any spirit of divorce that I have invited into my heart and our marriage by the careless words I have spoken or thoughts I have had. I repent of any time I have even thought about what it would be like to be married to someone else. I recognize these thoughts as evil and adulterous, and I repent of them before You. I turn to You to find solutions to any problems in my marriage. Give me wisdom to do things Your way. In Jesus’ name I pray.”

Prayer for your W:

“LORD, I ASK THAT YOU would take any thoughts of divorce out of my wife’s mind and heart. Where she has entertained those kinds of thoughts, I ask that You open her eyes to see how far away that is from Your best for her life and our lives together. For any “time we have discussed divorce or she has used the word “divorce” as a way out of our problems, I come before You on my wife’s behalf and ask for Your forgiveness. Forgive her for that sin so that a spirit of divorce cannot find a home in her heart. If it already has, I ask that You would break that stronghold by the power of Your Spirit. Destroy that lie of the enemy so that it can never rise up again. Show her a better way, which is Your way for our lives. Let there be no divorce in our future. In Jesus’ name I pray.”

Excerpt From: Omartian, Stormie. “The Power of Prayer™ to Change Your Marriage.” Harvest House Publishers. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright

I hope and pray that you are able to remain strong and steadfast. Let go, not just in word...

[completelylost]

Sandi - in another thread you posted:
You gave me 'go dark' advice and as soon as this damn moving week is over, thats exactly what I plan to do. I know its never too late until the papers are signed but how does she ever gain respect for me knowing that I know she is continuing to contact the OM and not kicking her ass out the door?

By holding on you give the situation power. Think about it. How funny is a joke if you give the punchline at the begining. It only has power because you give it life. Take the life away... Let her go, often times they see the knight in shining armour is just a clown in aluminum foil.

[jp787]

I think I stand a better chance of happiness by just moving on.

I agree 100% AND that doesn't mean you have to shut the door on a life with your W.

I wish I had been able to do what I am asking of you when I was in the think of my sitch.

You need to go dark, make your own life, become the man you want to become. You stand a much better chance of doing this dropping the rope with your W. Your M is over, it has been, you don’t want to go back, you want a new M with your W or whoever, doesn’t matter. Your W needs to go down her road and you yours. Once you get stronger and healthy, you will be in a better place to live your life with or without her.

She may wake up and give you another chance, she may wake up and not, she may not wake up. You can’t control that, but you can become who you want to be and then regardless you will be in a better place than you are now.

This is the hardest thing you will have to go through in your life, it is not easy, but it is an opportunity.

[jp787]

"Thick of my sitch"

[dingo]

I am all aboard with the letting go, dropping the rope, opening the cage, etc, etc. I know thats what needs to happen and I know this M is over. I am not using the divorce as a threat to get her to reconsider or come back. I am using it as a way to set her free from me and me free from her. No more boundaries either way, she can do what she likes and I can do what I like. Right now, I am the only one respecting the boundaries and it obviously doesn't give me as free a life as I would otherwise like.

I know its still going to be hard to get through and I do see the opportunity for personal growth and a better, happier life. I do want a new M with whoever, that's something I cant pursue while I am already in one.