Her emotional needs were not being met, she's lost a ton of weight you say. It took her a long time to muster the courage to say its over. In her mind, and don't for a second take this any other way or lightly, she's DONE.
With all the weight loss, maybe she's been garnering some extra attention from someone. Its was filling her needs in a way that sped up the process in her mind.
I think for many of us, or maybe its just me, understanding just what the word DONE really meant. There is no grey area here, I'm sorry, but your marriage (at least this version of it) is over.
Do not attempt to find out why right now either, cause she's just going to say things like "I cant believe you don't know...", "If I have to tell you, then what's the point....", "I've been telling you for a long time, you just don't get it....".
Do not attempt to try to make things better, or fix things right now, she'll see them as just efforts to get her back. She doesn't want you.
I'm not saying your wife is cheating, but the thought of another relationship instead of the one your in is very attractive to her, even if the person doesn't even exist. Most likely, there is something going on, and that doesn't mean sex is involved.
Understand how this has taken a LONG time to reach this point, and its going to take at least a year or two if theres a CHANCE to turn it around. Can you comprehend that time frame, do you understand there is NO speeding it up.
Realize that right now she wants space, and lots of it. Right now, for her at least, she's going to be thinking almost exclusively of the negative things in your marriage. So don't bring up any part of your marriage history or future, cause I promise you she'll have an answer you don't like in return. She'll have rewritten much of it anyways, to fit her needs/decision.
Its time for you to take a long look in the mirror, see your part in the failing of the marriage. And see what your willing/able to fix about your part. Do it cause you need to make those changes, not because you hope it will fix your marriage. Its a fine line.
Understand your very early in this, and your emotions are going to be all over the place at times. Take care of yourself: eat, sleep, get out of the house. Be mysterious, hold back what your feeling. Its not a game, but don't tip your hand at what your doing. A lot of what your going to be doing it going to feel counter intuitive, your going to doubt the process MANY MANY times over.
Let me also explain a little of what you might see, if your putting in the work, making your changes with no pressure or expectations, she might be a bit angery that your FINALLY putting an effort in, but why couldn't you do it before. She might be your best friend, cause in her mind she no longer see's you as her husband and she's relieved she no longer needs to keep up that part of herself. "Whew we can be friends afterall, this is going to make things easier....". And she'll bounce between every emotion in between.
Its time to grow some thick skin, these things tend to get much worse before they can get any better. Some people call it detachment, but that doesn't really encompass the level of almost shutting down at times that really entails what your going to need to do for yourself. Its very hard, and will be time and time again, to not take things personal, to really let things slam your heart/stomach/mind. At the same time, your supposed to always have a smile on your face, listen (don't talk), validate (don't have to agree but let her know you understand her side), and GAL.
Your not going to be perfect, your going to make mistakes, prob a lot of them. Don't be hard on yourself. Post here every 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 months. Understand the people on this site are going to be supportive, give you advice (good advice if your willing to be honest in whats happening/happened). The truth hurts, so be prepared to get straightened out on days too.
I wish you luck my friend, I hope you truly understand that if you want to give your marriage the best chance at recovery. Its going to take more work than you can possibly imagine right now. So lets get started.............
1. Who do you have for your support right now, is it someone that's going to pick sides, that knows the both of you, someone that can keep things between just the two of you? Its best to have someone that can be as neutral as possible, but can keep it to themselves too.
2. The more you talk to family about this, the more they're going to want you to stop hurting, advice might not always be the best for your marriage or your state of mind.
3. Have you considered going to some individual counseling to help you discover your faults, maybe even things you didn't really know about yourself.
4. What do the kids think is happening, careful here too, cause I promise they understand something is happening, they're going to ask questions, and a lot of their own interpretation/anger/support is going to want to come out. It can be considered pressure or help widen the divide. Its best to just say "your both working on some issues right now".
5. Find some things to do: read a book (at the library if it gets you out of the house), pick up an old hobby, start a new one, take a cooking class, check out a class at the local community college, join a gym.
You cant read the Divorce Remedy book fast enough.
Thanks for the bluntness. I do have a couple of friends to lean on when needed. I have basically decided thus far to not discuss with family. I have been going back to AA meetings lately and they seem to help (sober 18 years). Between divorce busting, no more mister nice guy reading, and other internet sources, I don't think counseling is required (i have gone in the past and am not shutting the door on the possibility).
My older kids, 18 and 21 haven't picked up on anything, the other two are 8 and 6 so i don't think they are a concern right now.
I am taking the kids skating tomorrow, which i have never done, however the wife is coming along. I do like the library idea though....that is something that wouldn't have occurred to me. I like to read, the library is free, and is open about as late as i am willing to stay out!
I have read the book and now will start rereading.
thanks for the 13,482 cents.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
lol, you know I just get typing sometimes, and I don't very often go back and proof read. I had no idea I was writing a novel on you. I'm so sorry.
I've seen so many come here the last year, with so many hopes. Its funny how much you can feel for a stranger and what their going thru, to try to warn them of the journey their about to take.
I know for me, being closed off, its something I've changed about myself, now maybe im too much an open book. I know I got the same supportive 2x4 when I first joined (this is a new user id, as I found out my wife was reading my last one). I took some of the information to heart, and some other tips I shrugged at thinking my wife would NEVER do that. Yet here I am. And EVERY word of advice I was given has come true.
I hope your situation turns, I can prob help with stuff your doing wrong, I got that part down pat!!! I hope you get some solid advice.
Ok, so now I'm up to 14,875 cents. Good luck my friend, I hope you post as much as you need to.
Wife caught me crying last night! Not something someone generally 'catches' another person doing. So far I had been pretty good with the pleasantries and the 'why, no, nothing is wrong look on my face'.
She asked what was going on and i said 'this was pretty stressful' to which she agreed. she pushed for more, and right or wrong i stated 'the stuff i have been reading says i shouldn't bring up R talk. I can certainly talk R talk but only if you bring it up'.
We left it at that. It is amazing to me how what i perceive as her being cold that she can be. She must have walls built up from our 'not so good' marriage a mile high. Sigh, this will continually be difficult. But i am still reading, still db'ing. Good luck to all the others in my boat!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
If you were doing any wavering in your mind about what she might be thinking. Your question was just answered. It helps in a way doesn't it? Now you know its time to strap in and get to work.
Look at it this way. She left no doubt. There's no more reason to debate it, if you want to talk R again, remember this day to use it to drive you to your goals.
Its going to take a lot of time to chip away at that shield, are u up to the task? I'm betting you are.....pick yourself up and get at it.
Lesson learned, thanks for the education. I know you didn't think it was going to be easy. Doesnt it give you a little motivation?
Man she is hard to figure out! One minute a black hole in which no emotion is shown, then all giggly the next. I wonder what she is planning. I wonder that i shouldn't be wondering what she is planning.
GAL myself. There is some sort of pull though, where i don't want to leave in case i miss some 'important time'. It is almost an addiction in a way.....to stay home and not be gone. Maybe some sort of desire to control. It definitely doesn't feel healthy though.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
This d'bing is killing me! I so want to talk about R. We live together but no sex and i find that pretty difficult. Amazingly difficult. 2.5 months so far. What if she is still 'done' with the relationship? What if there is no hope?
Cant talk about it though so i don't know. Maybe it is all wasted effort, too far gone. If so, am I know 'wasting' my life just hanging out. If she is truly done, shouldn't i be as well and start moving on. Lots of sexual frustration i think fueling this. Plus obviously a bunch of other emotions.
How long does a person continue to db'ing before they call it quits? is there an 'average' amount of time to wait? Arrrghhhh!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
well, i blew it last night. as you can see from my previous post i was a bit on edge! Anyway, wound up bringing up the R, talking about past/future. To be fair it was a good conversation, no begging/no shouting.....basically a conversation that i would deem normal except in violation of the d'bing principles.
I have been reading other things and there is a lot in common between their advice and d'bing. primarily the only difference i have run accross so far is the actually discussing the R. Most other sources don't put the kibash to it. I think i can see the not discussing is a touch superior.
Back to the drawing board.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
TS, I couldn't agree with you more! It is sooo extremely hard when you live with your WAS. I dont know about you, but it feels like I'm living with a stranger, I ask myself who is this women, and what did she do with my Wife. I ask how the heck is she just DONE, completely DONE, WTF.
I have been DB'ing my ass off, and I can honestly say she is still done. I dont want to believe it, but I can feel it. I try to put on a positive face, I try to act happy, I am detaching, and GAL, but it is still so hard and very exhausting. Some days Im really good and Other days Im a mess, but when Im around her Im strong, kind, patient and confident. You know, I dont think we will ever figure how or what the WAS is truly feeling, and I suggest we stop trying.
FlyOnTheWall's 2 cents is 120% correct in my opinion. I would have thought he wrote that just for me and my situation. I would suggest reading his 2 cents post over and over again. I know im going to.
