Hey New. Sorry you are here, but, you have landed among some amazing people.
Just a couple of things, if I may.
Good for you for beginning to look within. That is the most important part of this journey.
Dbing can save us, if you allow it and sometimes it saves marriages.
So, I want you to reread your posts here. You are playing the db dance of pursuit and retreat.
You see some positives, so you move closer. He senses that, so he moves away. You sense that and panic, so you pursue.
And round and round you go. You need to stop that, ok.
Here's how you approach all this. The first step is to look inside. Look at the things your h has said about you. See what things are valid. Throw the rest away. Take a really good look at the things you want to change. Then, look at people you admire. What are the traits and characteristics that you find admirable.
Now with this list, be that person. Each day. Some days you will make it, some you wont. But that should always be the goal.
Next, stop thinking about what he is thinking. It doesnt serve you well, right? You cant possibily know and even if you could, it doesnt matter right now.
What matters is you getting good and strong and becoming the person you were meant to be.
I can see the insecurities you have. I can see them because I had some of them, too. I dont anymore. I like me. A lot.
But if I can see them, so can he.
Thats not who you want to show him. You want him to see someone confident, strong, and happy. You might have to fake it at first, but, you will get there.
Because I see you have figured out one of the most important things. Happiness comes from the inside. We cant put that on someone else. That is too much responsibility for them, and it gives them all your power.
So, do not pursue him. Let him lead. You see when you keep texting or emailing, he retreats?
If he wants to see you or talk to you, he knows how to get in touch. Let him.
Whenever you do have contact - make it a positive interaction. Consistent actions from you over time, and I said actions, not words, will make him believe your changes.
If he is in a MLC, he cant really hear you. But he sure does want you to hear him. You show him you do by doing all of the above.
Do not tell him your changes. Do not tell him about your GAL. Those are for you.
He needs to see a new, Now. He needs to believe the changes. The way he will is if you live them.
So, do not contact him. Let him contact you. If he says lets talk, let him determine when and how. If he blows you off, so be it. You are still happy, confident NOW.
Keep looking within. Keep working on you. Keep moving forward.,
Remember that whether you worry or not has not affect on the outcome, but, moving forward, making changes and letting go can.
Hi BrooklynMom. I appreciate your response. I just looked up the Al-Anon meetings and there are a TON of them, every day and all over town! Whereas, there are just a handful of the co-dependent anonymous meetings scattered around the entire city. I will definitely check out an Al-Anon meeting this week. Thank you so very much! :-)
NOW, I just found your thread and reading it was making me sweat. It is like you were describing my H and our marriage. And we are very close in age too.
It is also amazing that I�ve just discovered the same web site about Law of Attraction.
I�m very curious what kind of advice the vets are going to give you. You describe your sitch very well. I�m not as good. I�ve been doing what uRworthy advised for a long time now (18 months since BD.) I give him space, I let him lead, I don�t pursue and don�t initiate any contact (except for business), but I don�t see anything happening. It is stagnant. Yes, I did grow a lot during this time and I�m a lot stronger. I feel better about myself. My friends tell me how much I changed. But my H doesn�t see it and doesn�t know.
It is interesting that you said you�ve got an invite for a date. I had the same situation about a year ago. And I declined too. Then I retreated to myself and stopped going to the places where I could be asked for a date. I�m in a different place these days. I�m not ready for a serious relationship, but I would like to have more friends. The word �date� doesn�t scare me as much anymore. I just state my boundaries and intentions up front. I feel more comfortable with myself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
uRworthy - Your insightful feedback and loving guidance is so very much appreciated. :-)
Yes, I have been playing the DB dance of pursuit and retreat. I got overly excited after talking to husband in over six months and felt "hooked" into him again. He's in Sales and has always been incredibly charming plus he has a European accent and that makes it even worse. LOL
Okay, back to my reality here. Thank you so much for reminding me to stop the pursuit tactics and leveling with me that he knows how to reach me, if he so chooses.
I will actually take time to think about this & write down the characteristics that I find admirable and work on becoming that person myself. Every day. And if I don't do well one day, just re-focus and get back on track the following day.
I really do need to stop thinking what he's thinking. **deep breath** That's a big one for me. Yes, you are right that it doesn't serve me well. It's also not a good use of my time or energy.
As I'm writing this response, I realize what's even more important to me now is not to just "come across" confident and happy but I to genuinely "be" this person. Yet, I realize it's not going to happen overnight. So, as long as I know that's essentially my goal, I guess it's okay to fake it till I make it. :-)
Again, thank you so much for the important reminder to detach and let go, not pursue my husband and to keep looking within and doing my own internal work.
It sounds as if you've done some amazing inner work yourself to have reached the point where you like yourself. A lot. **smiling** You reminded me of the most important goal, which is not of restoring my marriage, but of re-discovering the love I need to have for myself - first and foremost. Thank you.
The one piece of advice that I would recommend you look at is the "business" advice of your situation and that is to obtain some legal advice about your expenses, your home and what your rights are now. The thing about MLC is that they lie and are manipulative. I think you got a taste of that as he is questioning you on your expenses.
Personally, I would be asking for a support cheque rather than paying the credit cared bill - none of his bloody business what you are doing and you don't have to explain but whatever you decide, you should know your options and explore how the decisions you make while he is living with someone else can affect you later.
Obviously you do not have to tell him you have been to see a lawyer, but it is something you may want to think about.
You are so right, Portia, I was remiss in telling her that.
Now, it is important that you do handle that. MLCers can be very irresponsible with money. And as you saw with the home equity try, very sneaky.
Make sure your name is not on any other cards. Go see a lawyer. The first consultation is usually free. Do not tell him that you have.
I also agree that you should not be using the credit card. It is none of his business what you are doing. You dont have access to see what he is doing.
This does not mean you cant stand and fight for your marriage. But you have to protect you first.
And yep, I have done a lot of work. Tough, hard work. It will be ongoing always. I wish I didnt have to learn what I did in this way, but, I am so thankful for the journey.
While I received great advice, I had to take things in my own hands to "shake things up" with my husband today, as I simply can not take the status quo any longer. I made a mental deadline that things need to start changing by the end of 2013 or I'm done. I've conveyed this to my husband at the end of 2013 and I'm sticking to it.
I sent my husband a text today about how he said it was great talking, that we need to talk more & more and let's talk this weekend (which just passed w/o a text/call from husband). He replied that he drank too much watching football on Saturday and was ill all day Sunday. He said he stopped drinking for a while and said he forgot how to have a beer.
**sigh**
I then sent him a text,
"Okay. As of 2013, I am done with limbo land and the status quo. If you sincerely want to start talking to see how things go, then we need to just do it...and just start talking. LOL Make sense?"
He replied, "Ok"
I replied, "Wow-you are blowing me away with ALL your communication. LOL"
He replied, "LOL. On a call :-)"
In any event, he's traveling right now but said let's talk on Wednesday during lunch. I asked him if he can schedule it on his calendar and he replied, "Ya".
BIG QUESTION:
Now that we are set to talk on Wednesday and I know for a FACT that he's living out-of-state with OW (only suspected it previously) should I bring it up? Or just try to have a "light" conversation?
This is foreign territory...and I'm feeling confused as to what I should do.
I really am done with "limbo land" and the status quo. I would rather head towards divorce than keep living this way - all the while knowing he's living with another woman, in another state - without any ongoing contact.
I also feel he's confused right now and isn't dead set on ending things with me 100% (otherwise I don't think he'd agree to talk on Wednesday).
I also think it helped that he knows I had a mental deadline at the end of 2013 and that's why I went to see an attorney.
To make sure he understood that deadline, I re-iterated that fact to him in my text. LOL
Any advice/suggestions or thoughts/ideas you may want to share would be greatly appreciated. :-)
Bright - I am so sorry you are dealing with a similar situation. Yes, it's so frustrating that our husbands are not noticing any of our positive changes. How can they when they are living out of state and not contacting us?! :-(
Oh, one thing that I forgot to mention above is that I did also text H today that "I am optimistic about us talking more and more. :-)" I wanted him to know that my intention was positive, so maybe that's along the right thinking as far as Law of Attraction goes? Who knows?! In any event, I'm going to try and keep thinking positive thoughts about a good conversation between us. I am all for "whatever" may help! :-)
Portia - I really appreciate the "smart" financial advice. Fortunately, one good thing is that I owned my home before we were married and the property deed and mortgage is still in my name only. I went to see an attorney but he was a litigator and came across very aggressive (which also gave me the feeling he'd be expensive). Yikes. I talked to an acquaintance of mine that suggested a collaborative divorce attorney, so I may go to see her for a consultation. Yes, you are right. We do have to take care of ourselves first. Thank you for the important reminder. :-)
Hey Now, just a few things. It doesnt help you if I am not honest with you. So...
If your h is in a MLC it would be very unusual for that to turn around this quickly. Not impossible, but, unusual.
You are very early into this, so if you are losing patience with limboland already.......well, just know, it is a long haul.
You cant rush him through this. You cant threaten him through it either. You want him to go through all the steps so that he comes out the other side whole.
What you are doing is pursuing and that may work in the short term, but, in the long term it is going to going to push him away.
You sent him a text, he didnt answer. So, you sent him another one where you said you were done. He said, ok. Then you tell him that he wasnt very enthusiastic. He tells you he's on a call.
I would be surprised if he calls you on Wednesday without any communication from you. It may happen, I've been wrong.
The thing is that you had a nice, positive interaction. Let him sit with that.
He knows how to get in touch with you if he wants to, right?
You continuing to pursue him and threaten him with deadlines isnt serving you well.
uRworthy - I appreciate your honesty and yes, I do need to hear the facts.
The thing I am having such difficulty with is that he is living with OW - out of state.
It seems like it would be a lot easier to handle if he was living at home (even while seeing OW) or at the very least living in the same city. Who knows, maybe it would be even worse on me?!
You are right. I did pursue him today and I am trying to rush him to start taking some "positive" actions toward OUR relationship.
How do you think this would push him away in the long term - even if it works for the short term?
What if he's a WAS and it isn't MLC? When we actually talked on the phone he seemed completely sensible and like his old self. Unless I knew different, I would never suspect he's living a completely separate, secret life out of state. :-(
You are right to be doubtful about us talking on Wednesday. Deep down I was doubtful as well....which is why I asked him to put it on his calendar. LOL
I really don't know how much more I am willing (just changed from can) take of the status quo, though. :-(
