The Brave Man

[AJM]

If you weren't struggling to find the strength every day, I'm quite sure that you would be on the wrong board and in the wrong place. You would be the one your W talked about on this board or you would be in a loony bin!

Look around you J. What you described was an awesome day. What you're doing tomorrow - more awesome. Starting a new tradition - golden! I highly cherish the traditions I started with my family years ago. The stories that come with it - absolutely priceless.

You're doing a great job. It's not going to be easy, but we're telling you as a way of encouragement. You are faced with things that many people would have faced and folded. They would have left, given up, and never looked back. That sets you apart. But like all good things, the road is narrow. Not many will walk it, J. Not many have the conviction and fortitude to do so. Not many will gain the benefits because they don't do the work, walk the walk, and talk the talk.

Stay focused on you and the kids. The feedback you've been given is that you're doing it right. Keep doing it right. Keep doing it for you and for your boys and you'll be amazed at how blessed you are down the road you're walking.

It won't be easy, I can tell you that. But it will be worth it, come what may.

Peace,
AJ

[JFun51]

Thanks for the reinforcement. Speaking of feedback, I just picked up my phone after leaving it in the car while going into the store. W has been through my messages again. Mind you, I have not picked up her phone to snoop in months, and I've given up on caring what's there. Is her snooping more reinforcent that I'm doing something right? Or is it her insecurity? Or is it guilt? Or is it trying to find dirt to justify her own actions?

Truth is, it really doesn't matter. Just wondering...

[Pudmuddle]

All of the above^^^. She's thinking how can he possibly be so happy and good when I am not my sweet loving self? He must be doing something bad like me.

You are just swell JF. Keep on being swell.

[JFun51]

Thanks Pud. Sorry your last couple days have been so down. We are all living in crazy town. When UR started the holiday thread I knew we would all be in for a treat.

[tigerlily78]

I know you feel like you are losing your strength to deal with this Jfun, but I almost have to think this is just HOW IT IS for almost all of us this time of year. It's that incongruence between what we EXPECT this time of year to be, and how we are anticipating (perhaps even dreading) how far from that normal expectation our situations might make this holiday.

Just know, you aren't the only one who is struggling right now. It is not because you are weak, or because you are done... it is because this crap is HARD on all of us this time of year. I feel where you are coming from, I really do.

I wish us all the extra strength to preserve through this holiday.

[JFun51]

As I sit in my living room wrapping all my boys presents alone, W lays in the bed where she has spent the last 6 months. I never imagined it would come to this. The moment where the mother of my children basically is a non participant in their Christmas. I am surrounded by the gifts that I bought, that gifts that I will wrap, and the the stockings that I stuffed. I just never saw this much coming I am still incredulous as to what this MLC has done to her. This malfunction, this disease, this depression, this mess has taken a loving beautiful woman who loved her children and lives for these moments in their lives and turned her into a selfish, detached teenager. I don't care if she ever loves me again. I just hope she can save herself.

As for me, I baked cookies tonight for everyone as she hid in her room texting and messaging for 3 hours. I will wrap presents and look forward to a great Christmas Eve tomorrow. My boys will not be hurt by this. They will enjoy it and we will continue to make new traditions. I'm a big boy and I'll take the crap. As their Daddy, it's my job to make sure their next 2 days are awesome.

BTW, I did appeal to her as she laid in the bed about helping with the chores around the house. I said "I know you haven't felt very good for a while, but I sure would appreciate some help with all the chores." She asked for clarification as to what I meant and I said "Dishes, laundry, floors, bathrooms, trash, litter boxes, feeding animals, etc. It would be great to get some help with it all." I left it at that.

[uRworthy]

Hey J. First of all, I wish you a wonderful Christmas. You are right, your boys will have an amazing one because of you. What a gift to them. Showing them how to love unconditionally. Showing them what strength and honor looks like. Showing them that you can survive what life throws at you.

Those are the real gifts, my friend. You are giving them all that.

They will never forget it.

[Lostforwords]

J,

Once you begin to see the affects of MCL on a spouse....it is sad!!! As you seem to be doing though....keep yourself emotional removed from that sadness. Keep being the rock for your children with the knowledge that at the current moment you are the only rock they have to stand on....to talk with....to be the shoulder of strength. I hate to be the bringer of reality, but there is a good chance she moves out. The way I see things that also means there is a good chance you become the main parent....So part of this journey is preparing for that....not just yourself, but your boys and household.

As for the chores...don't expect any help because it is like expecting to find water on the moon. It may happen, but hopefully you aren't holding your breath.

As your parenting situation is a lot like mine, I will tell you a secret and offer a solution.

The secret.....shhhhh, don't tell a soul.....This is between you and i......no one else;

Chores don't HAVE to be done....They get done when you get to them!! The world will not end if there are dirty dishes in the sink, the bathroom is slightly dirty, or the kids have a pile of dirty clothes.....trust me on that.

Now the solutions (you may already do this, but if not):

Dishes- s10 loads the dishwasher and s12 puts them away (since he is probably taller)

Trash-perfect chore for either boy

Litter boxes and feeding animals-Switch this daily between the boys

Laundry- Teach the boys to do their own

Floors- Once again...pushing a vacuum, swing a broom, or pushing a mop can be done by the boys

If the boys are only 25% successful in these chores it will make your life easier and better yet....it will teach them how to take care of themselves. You will have to follow up....probably redo things more than once....but you will have less work to do overall.

[Mtnman]

I was there last year JF. Did all the buying and wrapping all on my own.

Keep being the rock for those boys. I know you will.

[AJM]

Quick thoughts - have to run:

1) What kind of cookies?
2) Did you remember to help the boys get their mother a present? I know I never felt like it, but it wasn't really about me right?
3) As you're looking for the strength and fortitude (which you have by the way) something to think about: You have two ways to find out what happens next in your R with your W. You can take the short-cut and end it. Nobody would blame you after what she's been doing. (except her of course, but that's neither here nor there). Or you can let it work itself out while you work on things far more important such as yourself and the boys.

If you choose the shortcut, you can't unchoose later. If you choose the latter, you can always pull the cord and take the short route back to the barn.

No matter your choice, in the end you have to live with your decision. You and you alone have to live with it. You'll have to look in the mirror and like what you see at some point. Or not.

<being silly> Take the red pill? Or the blue pill? </being silly>

I know you made reference that before. I'm just reminding you as you look for perspective.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! Enjoy them - there won't be another Christmas 2013 in your lifetime

Peace,
AJ