Thanks Bright- I need to keep my expectations in check that's for sure. I tend to veer towards the negative (old me) and that brought a lot of negativity into life. So this is a good challenge for me to stay positively focused and mindful on the NOW with zero expectations for what will happen tomorrow.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I am leaving on a school trip on Friday for a week, so H is arriving today to stay with the kids.
Last time we saw him, the kids asked him to stay with us always when he is in town (not just when I am away). I dont think he will, although he said he would 'think about it'.
I spoke to my coach this past week. He advised to continue doing what I am doing. He thought the situation had definitely shifted towards the positive, although of course we are both speculating based only on my observations.
I think the most significant thing I want to write down is what happened most recently. H is in my country right now for work. He told my mom he would be there so they decided to meet.
My mom ended up inviting him to the house for lunch.
They talked a lot. What came out of it was basically that H has taken D off the table. That he is considering possibilities including staying at home again.
That he does not have outside pressure.
That he realises that he can no longer just be a visitor in the children's lives.
He admitted that I am a good mother and a good wife.
He admitted that I have changed a lot.
He said he was scared that I would fall back into old patterns (in MLC talk I guess that means he still does not trust my changes)
For some reason he kept mentioning May as his time frame (maybe because of end of school year for the kids?), but also said he didnt really know. But he does know that he needs more time.
He told my mom he plans to be here with me for my birthday this year (he hasn't been with me on my bday for three years).
Both my mom and my sister commented to me immediately that H is almost like his old self again. So much different than he was when they say him last June. More comfortable and relaxed in his own skin.
I learned about this two days ago, but needed some time to process it.
I have no expectations. I realise this sounds like MLC script, however, I have no expectations. I am so pleased he seems to have reconnected with my mom and sister. He continues to be pleasant if and when I initiate a text, however he has not done so yet (coach said its not unusual) and for some reason he has not spoken to the kids for awhile.
Coach asked me how I would behave with him if he was not H, but someone I liked. I said I would probably flirt more, and be more trusting.
It made me realise that if anyone were to really and truly start again with their spouses, the past has to be let go of. I would have to treat H like a stranger. Take everything at face value, no judgement of who I think he is or what he was, etc. Just get to know him.
Everyone is excited for him to come today.
Thanks for reading all
Love you so much x
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
What can I expect from him? I don't mean expectations that he is going to declare his love and beg to come home.
I mean his attitude. I read that in MLC, at both ends of the tunnel, their behaviors tend to mirror each other. So I could see the anger, ignoring, indifference, etc (like he was at the start...and now, assuming he is moving towards the end).
I also read that if this happens, I will be the absolute last person he comes closer to. I can manage my OWN feelings on this. How do I support his? Or do I not? From what I understand, I just need to continue doing what I am doing. That is what I am doing. When there is a positive reaction (if there) from him, should I 'up' it a bit?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Wow, busting, this is interesting that he had this conversation with your Mom. She probably made him comfortable enough to say all these things. And he was probably testing the waters too.
I’ve read in 6 stages of MLC that when they start coming out of the tunnel and reconnect with people in their lives, they are very fragile. You have to be very careful to no scare him away. What he said about the outside pressure… He doesn’t feel it from you, or somewhere else? OW? Friends?
I would continue doing the same things, to show him that your changes are permanent. I’m not sure if you need to “up” it just yet. Observe, observe, observe for now.
I’m sure the vets will be here to give you a more solid advice and answer your questions.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
busting out... I am glad I stopped in and got to read that you are seeing some positive changes to your sitch.
It sounds like he is starting to have a lot of realizations... but I think it may still be some time yet before you really see him ready to AT on it. It has been mentioned before in many places across the board that they are rather slow at times. Something they hear from you or that they say themselves will take some time to settle in and result in actions quite often.
What you've been doing is clearly working. I would just keep being consistent with the things you have had success with and not be too eager to push. He needs to feel like HE is the one in control and making the decision to reconnect with you and the family. Let him have some time to set the pace.
Remember, when you pursue it often causes them to pull away. So just be patient and let him make his way back.
Good luck!
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Bright and tiger thank you for your thoughts. I agree that I should continue doing what I am doing. The challenge is within me... Have my changes really stuck even with h?
Bright I think outside pressure was meant as OW by my mom. H did say that at one point he was getting a lot of pressure from his sister and brother and
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
.. And that he doesn't have that pressure anymore. I do ' think' that he wanted to imply that there is no OW pressure as well. It's speculation but there has been evidence that he is pulling away from her. Tiger I agree about the slowness. And boy is my h slow! Also, the pursuing - you know? The thing is I have never been in a R post my own journey...
I almost wouldn't know how to be. I know who I am now- alone. I don't know who. Am sharing a life with a partner. I wNt to think I can give and share the new me whom I have grown to like- but I have no precedent ! So I guess as long as I continue to be authentic - I will be ok no matter.
Ugh.
And for the record he arrived tonight and while he came to the house and put the kids to bed, and we chatted a bit, he did leave. So I guess he is not read to stay here while I am here. He will move in when I leave for my school trip in Friday.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
And for a little GaL update- I went rowing for my first time today. It was so fun! I am so sore! Lol
And when we brought the row boat back to shore we ended up in a lot of mud... Sinking mud! I went up to my thighs in mud, I couldn't climb out! Lol a friend had to help pull me out. WAs a greT experience I plan to continue once a week. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
In the meantime, you sound really good. I know what you mean about wondering how you would be now, with H back in the picture.
I was thinking about this myself last night. What would XH bring to my life if he were back? I came up with sex... and intimacy. Is that enough?
Like you, idk anymore, but i feel good on my own now (what an achievement for us!).
I love the sound of your rowing - something I've always wanted to do... I'm still driving S15 to and from the river in the early hours. One day i'll do it myself!
